Emotion Roller Coaster

Hello all of you beautiful people.

My has it been a rollercoaster ride mixed with a pinch of talent of walking on egg shells.

 

So we have about 2 weeks left here in lovely NC.  If you must know, YES I'm still sad and not excited about it all [you'll be stuck reading this in a lot of my future posts for a while - beware].  I'm beginning to feel more nervous as time continues to slip away.  I feel a little more relieved each time we cross off stuff from our agenda.  We went to our last USMC ball which was short/sweet because the Husband was so uncomfortable in his dress blues and we had children to pickup.  Our final house inspection went well; we ended up not having to pay anything other than prorated rent for two days.  We finally got some exciting news that we actually have a place WAITING for us for when we get there - talk about a weight being lifted OH MY GAWD!  I didn't like the idea that we were stuck on a waiting list and had such a big time frame as to when we "might" get off of it.  There is one thing that flagged my nerve - there's NO A/C in any of the houses over there.  Now I don't know about you, but I happen to like having OPTIONS.  Yea, yea, yea...  So we'll be near the beach - I don't care, you don't know my temperature preferences!  Another exciting event on our Agenda is we decided to celebrate my Little Big Man's birthday one last time here, surrounded by family and friends.  Surprisingly with both of us being procrastinators at times, we've already reserved his birthday location.  Now I just have to make sure I order a cake on time [one year I almost forgot lol]. 

For the time being we're staying with my Parents until it's time to hit the road.  My, oh my, has it been interesting.  It's like all of the timers on everyone's ticking time bombs are about to go off.  It's like that pimple on your face that's on the verge of popping, that nut you're about to catch, or that fart that's been bubbling in your gut getting ready to say hello from your backside...  It's happening.  We're a big ass family with a bunch of different personalities that don't always play well together.  I don't know if they're all supposed to go off before Christmas, on Christmas, or what, but I can sense the tension in the air.  I think it's because we've been cooped up together more than what we're used to and we've quickly reached our quota.  I know we're all trying to adjust to living together and trying to not step on anyone's toes, BUT - have you met my Mom?  She has a lot of different rules/regulations/stipulations/guidelines/laws...  [I think you get it]  So I've TRIED to clean up after my little squad; which that task is a toughie when you have a toddler and two boys [my Husband acts just like my Little Big Man].  However, my Parents have been VERY accommodating!  My Dad has been extremely helpful (like always!) with my Little Big Man; making sure he's up for school, dropping off/picking him up from school, fixing him breakfast - this is like HEAVEN for him both of them right now.  My Dad has a tendency to spoil the shit out of these grandchildren ["it's their job" yeeea shut it].

 

I'm still this big ball of emotions and it's so annoying.  A lot of times I have to hurry and think of a different topic so I don't randomly start balling my eyes out.  I can tell that all of us are a tad A LOT bit stressed.  The snappiness game is too strong right now.  Everyone handles their emotions differently.  You have the ones who are just straight up sensitive.  Then you have the ones who will say what's on their mind [why heyyyro].  Then you have the ones who seem like they stay mad.  One person, from what I've observed, will not let me catch a break - ever.  I can be on my best behavior and think I'm doing a bomb ass job, but then get served with a pink slip that reads "swerve".  You would think by now I'd be used to it, but yet I still have yet to understand it.  A lot of times I feel like that because I'm so outspoken and tend to be the "rebellious" child that that's somehow cause for resentment or maybe that has given me a life time access VIP Pass to being labeled as the guilty party.  You can place me in a room full of people and somehow my name will be dropped into the mix; I could even be asleep in that room full of people and I'd still be blamed for murder.  I will never understand it.  There are plenty of times where there's been some big family blowout and afterwards I've pondered what the hell did I do that there's always that hostility towards me.  I wouldn't say it's hate for me, but a lot of times I feel like the scale is definitely heavier on that side.  I would say it's because of us moving away, but it's always been this way.

 

Here's a funny [not really], short story I thought I'd share to lighten up the mood [kinda]:  We have both of our cars *PAID OFF* [say word], but we can only be reimbursed for one.  So our other option is to ship one of our cars.  The other day my Husband mentions he thinks we should look into a bigger car to make our trip easier; that way we wouldn't have to worry about shipping one, we can ride more comfortably, more room for our shit, etc...  It was like music to my ears because when I was still employed I had been begging for a bigger car.  So one day we peeped several car dealerships in the area to see what our options were [I seriously felt like a little kid at a candy store].  He kept reminding me that we were just LOOKING and that we're not going to be impulsive [hi, my name is Stephanie and I am an impulsive shopper].  So can someone please explain to me why NOW we are NOT getting a bigger car!?!?!?  Apparently, I misunderstood him.  He said he meant he was only looking into it incase we wanted a new car a couple years from now...  So maybe I've lost my damn mind or something, but I don't know what that had to do with making our move easier...  Now I know what puppies children [same thing right? jk] feel like when you tease them with treats.  So please remind me to never get excited over anything when he says it; k thanks.

 

I can't believe Christmas is TWO DAYS AWAY!!!  [being it's now past midnight and I'm still editing]  I'm starting to feel pretty hyped about Christmas though [despite being jipped on a new ride lol].  I bought candy canes because what's Christmas without any!?  I even discovered Mint Chocolate candy canes...  They are so delicious!  I've already heard the best Christmas song "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by 'N*SYNC -- "I'ma let you finish, but 'N*SYNC had one of the best Christmas songs of all time!" [in my Kanye West voice lol].  In all seriousness, this is my favorite time of year.  I love the music, the decorations, the "togetherness" or the idea of, and shopping [helluuuuur sales!]...  Okay, and presents [duh we all do].  Anyways, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and hopefully I can post before we drive cross country!

 

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
xo, sss

North Carolina

Good afternoon!

If you don't know, now you know - we are moving to California.

I've been telling myself that I was going to type another post, but from packing, cleaning, organizing, soccer, and the ball...  My mind has been in overdrive.

It was inevitable.  Am I happy?  No.  Am I excited?  No.  Am I mad?  No.  I'm sad, stressed, frustrated, scared...  I'll stop there.

If you've been following along with my journey then you've read how much I've whined and bitched about leaving here, home.  I wasn't born here, but this is where I've grown up; for 14 years to be exact.  My whole family is here.  It'll take some getting used to not having them just 20-30 minutes away.  I don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a few that I consider my best.

I am tired of hearing people telling me "you'll be alright" or "you'll be fine"...  You get it.  I'm sure it's just hopeful thinking.  Please don't tell me how I'm going to feel.  I don't know how many times I have to say it, but everyone has DIFFERENT experiences!  Your experience could have been a breeze whereas someone else's could have been fifty shades of f*cked up [and not the fun fifty shades either]. 

I have lists on lists on lists.  I've gone through all of our belongings and came to the conclusion I'm a borderline hoarder.  So I boxed up all my "what if" clothes and all the shoes that no longer belong in my wardrobe and dropped it off at the Salvation Army.  I called the school to find out how to un-enroll my Little Big Man.  I have yet to take pictures of all our valuable valuables and note all of their serial numbers...  With only 2 days left to do so [helluuur procrastination].   

This is a BIG deal for us.  It's our FIRST BIG move!

I think part of what stresses me out is the fact that we don't even have a house.  We're on a waiting list that supposedly is a 3-5 month wait.  It doesn't help that I keep hearing DIFFERENT experiences, like one family who's been stuck in a hotel/lodge for 6 months STILL waiting on a house.  My family had to do that before when my Dad got orders to Guam.  We were cooped up in a hotel for a looong time.

I find it ironic how different it feels being a spouse versus being a dependent child.  Growing up it sucked having to make friends and move to new schools a lot, but I rolled with the punches.  It was never hard making friends; more nerve wracking.  Now that I'm a spouse I feel like I'm losing my damn mind.  I'm worried about my Little Big Man moving in the middle of the school year and pretty much starting over.  I think he'll be fine in the friend department; although, he can be very shy.  I'm more worried about his school work.  I don't want to be one of those parents who just assume their kid(s) will get over it and just have to deal.  I'm just lucky that I'm not working at the moment so I can be there for him if/when he needs it.

I know our town has little to none of super fun things to do, but it's my comfort zone.  So to distract myself, I figure I can shed some light on some of the things (though few) that I've experienced here that I happen to enjoy.

1.  Southern hospitality.  Everywhere you go there will be assholes.  I actually grew to enjoy the quick greetings from complete strangers.  Which reminds me of when I first moved here.  I wasn't used to random people greeting me or even asking me how I was doing.  My go-to reaction was usually "I don't know you...  Why the hell are you speaking to me..."  I was usually nice enough to only THINK that and not say it out loud. 

2.  Bojangles.  I don't even know what KFC is anymore.  They have this amazing...  I guess breakfast/dessert - Bo Berry Biscuit.  I'm not a big fan of their sweet tea, but my Little Big Man LOVES it.

3.  Cape Lookout Lighthouse.  It was so pretty.  We took a ferry ride to get to the little island (?) and on the way we got to see wild horses.  Once we got to the island we got to tour the house and lighthouse.  Those stairs were no joke!

4.  Beach.  The beaches aren't what I was used to while living on the West Coast, but who doesn't like the beach???  The water here is a lot warmer than the Pacific Ocean.

5.  MacDaddy's.  It's similar to a Dave & Buster's.  There's food, an arcade for the smaller kids and another one for the older kids, a bar, and bowling. 

6.  My family took a trip to ride the train.  It was a fun experience for all of us.  At certain times of the year they have even have Thomas the Train that you can actually ride.

7.  MCAS Cherry Point.  I may be a little bias...  But that's how I met my Love :)


So for the time being we're moving out of base housing and moving in with my parents until it's time to hit the road.  I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  It's like YAY! We'll be surrounded by family more before we go, but will make it even harder to leave and say our goodbyes.  This will be our last Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and my Little Big Man's birthday that we celebrate together and I want to make the most of it.



xo.
sss

Turn Back Time

Good morning afternoon [paused for mommy duties] my lovely readers!

For some odd reason, something last night triggered me to blog about... my past.  I know that doesn't sound like anything good and I don't owe anyone an explanation for my past, but I figure I can clear the air and enlighten you.  I don't know if it's because my family and I are getting ready to begin a NEW chapter in our life, but here goes nothing.

A long time ago I thought I was with the 'right' guy at the tender age of 17; The One, so to speak.  I had my oldest at the age of 16 and finally scored the guy that I had been chasing for what felt like forever [bad move, you shouldn't chase any man].  Honestly, I can't believe I was so stupid.  I think everyone goes through that phase where they think they've FINALLY found their person; as if that's what we search for our entire lives.  At the time it felt right.  I felt like I finally found someone I could be comfortable with.  However, I got too comfortable.  I was engaged at the age of 18.  Yea, yea...  Some might say that was too young to be taking that step; I still lived at home with my Parents and I was still finishing high school.  He pretty much moved in with my Parents too. 

Do you remember the part where I said I was so stupid...?

There were warning signs from the get-go!  We were so trusting of each other that we shared each other's MySpace passwords [haha the myspace days].  Maybe we weren't that trusting...  We both always checked each other's inbox, sent, and trash folders [crazy, I know] like we were already looking for something wrong to happen.  Shockingly, one day I did find something.  I was doing my regular snooping [okay, more like psycho] and discovered a message in his Trash folder [he forgot to empty the evidence].  It was a message to a "family friend" who had a cousin (female) in one of his classes.  He was running his mouth about how attractive she was and to let her know, etc.  That was a little odd being he had a fiancé...  However, I huffed and I puffed, then he apologized and that was the end of it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't want to put him out there in a negative light; although that never went both ways. 

There was no excuse for what I did.  Fast forward another year and I ended up cheating on him.  Obviously our engagement was off.  At the time we were living in a small duplex together (our first place).  He kicked me out and dragged my name through the mud.  My "friends" at the time shared any of my dirty little secrets and aired my dirty laundry like it was nothing.  One of them was his younger brother's ex-girlfriend {Brittany}.  We were pretty close, but she figured the way back to his heart was to tell on me.  I can't forget about the ones that I worked with at the time who fed him any gossip they could think of; one of them even slept with him {Amber}.  I screwed up, BAD.  I ended up moving back in with my Parents (the first of many moves back and forth).

As time went on, it got worse.  When we'd break up he would drink and stalk me.  One of the times was so bad; he snatched my purse (car keys/cellphone inside) because I thought it wasn't a good idea for us to stay with him that night.  While wrestling for my purse back I got clocked in the jaw during the struggle, so my Little Big Man entered the room from hearing all the ruckus which resulted in him kicking us out of the house and him throwing my belongings out onto the yard.  He was so angry he even punched my car window as I prepared to drive away.  Another incident was so bad that it resulted in him getting arrested.  There used to be a night club everyone would frequent.  Since I worked on base I was always surrounded by men, which a handful were my friends; he never liked it.  One night after binge drinking he hopped into his car and drove to the club because he knew I was there.  Once he got inside he continued to drink and followed us around this small club and at one point even attempted to fight me; which resulted in him being kicked out.  The aftermath concluded with him being arrested. 

After that there wasn't much to rekindle.  Any time we got back together, it was for a shorter period of time.  He would always tell me that his boys were always looking out for him; as if threatening/warning me to behave/watch myself.  I was called any name you could think of.  He even convinced some of our mutual friends that I had made shit up and always referenced the time I cheated on him.  They would totally ignore the fact that he was the one losing his shit.  Everything was just so out of control - from simple break ups to screaming/yelling at each other to him getting physical with me (which he would deny).  We were just toxic for each other.  I even felt bad for him after everything and would take him out for dinner.  He later told me that his Parents "kind of" blamed me for what had happened to him; way to teach him not to accept responsibility for HIS actions.

We had continued this ridiculousness on/off for about 6 years.  Horrible idea.  There was the constant moving back/forth and the fact that my poor Little Big Man had to endure all of this drama too.  It was my biggest mistake as a Mom.  I kept thinking we could work things out and be a happy little family.  I should have looked at the bigger picture and put a stop to it all a lot sooner. 

Thankfully, I met my now Husband.  It was scary at first; he treated me so differently - like a gentleman should.  My Little Big Man took a liking to him so fast.  I'm pretty sure that's why I fell head over heels for him.  He didn't (and still doesn't) act possessive over me or ever try to manipulate me.  He knows of my past and it never changed his opinion of me.  He was a breath of fresh air and  I felt a different type of happiness with him. 

The best part: We found each other when neither of us was looking.

I guess my point is don't let your past stop you from moving on.  In my past relationship we both did a lot of screwing up.  It should have ended the moment I found that message.  It would have saved a lot of tears/money, etc.  I don't let my past define who I am; I was young and dumb.  I learned from my mistakes and took that relationship as a Lesson Learned.  I know that there's no point in looking back because you can't change anything.  So my words of advice are save yourself the heartache and MOVE FORWARD; you never know what possibilities can come your way.

Happy Monday!



xo,
sss

PURPLE

Hi errrbody!

According to my Instagram/Facebook - my hair is PURPLE ish pink (:

As you may have noticed, I get bored rather QUICKLY when it comes to my hair color.  My natural hair color is dark brown.  I've had light brown, ombre, black, Ariel/Mermaid red *my favorite*, and now this odd shade of purple that I concocted. 

I used Manic Panic: Ultra Violet and Manic Panic: Hot Hot Pink.  I mixed it to the color I desired and covered all the blonde in my hair.  It came out to a dark brown/purple/pink ombre.  I liked it a lot; I felt like it resembled a dark enchanted forest [hahahaa].

23-Sep-2015, the day after I dyed it

 

One problem - it began to fade after ONE week!  [what. in. thee. fuck.]  It's now some ugly squid purple.

 

 

1-Oct-2015

 

So before the questions start rolling in, YES I use cold ass water to wash my hair [it's a pain in the ass] and NO I do not wash it errrrday [ew, helluuur dry shampoo hee hee].  My problem is since I am currently still following a workout plan, I do need to wash my hair more often than I want to; sweaty hair isn't very attractive.

 

 

 



 

So yesterday I decided to apply another purple/pink concoction on my entire head.  I'm aware the dark parts of my hair will not be as purple as my ends,but I'm ok with that. 

 

Anyways, now you can take a glance at my lovely adventure of coloring my hair - again. **P.S. I AM NOT A LICENSED COSMEOTOLOGIST, I DO THIS AT MY OWN RISK**

 

 

First - Put on gloves or your hands will look like Crayola just gangbanged it

 

 

Second - Get out your color(s)

 

 

Third - Mix your color(s) to the desired shade

I kinda, sorta forgot to snap a pic of my lovely updo prior to covering it, so obviously that step is missing.  So right now you'll just have to use your imagination and picture a messy/nappy mess with tons of silver clips holding it all in place on top of my head :)

Fifth - Since I didn't have a clear/plastic cap to cover my head, I improvised & used a Walmart bag [a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do lol]

And drumroll please...

Louder...

DONE!

I made the mistake of applying the color TOO close to my scalp, more like ON my scalp - hence the staining.  However, I am so happy with the outcome!  This time it's more on the purple side, but that was the point. 

Funny note, so shortly after my hair had finally air dried we had to go to the grocery store; there's supposed to be a hurricane [Joaquin] and we still needed food regardless.  Anywho - while shopping I kept noticing people stare at me.  My initial reaction is "what the fuck are you looking at!?"  [staring is rude, I can't help it]  I don't actually SAY it out loud [most of the time].  Then I realized my hair is this bright ass purple so no duh people are staring.  My favorite reactions are when little girls see my hair and get all excited.  An older lady shared with me that the two little girls that were shopping with her, her granddaughters I assume, LOVED my hair and I just thought it was so cute. 

I'm getting closer and closer to becoming a mermaid, I have the bright hair and my thighs touch all the time ;p



xo,
sss



You Can Do It

At least that's what I keep telling myself.  Thank God for coffee - I'm not joking, it's my Pre-Workout.

Good morning everyone!

As I stated in my last blog post I have begun my fitness journey.  Guess what!?  I STILL hate it.

I've already heard "you don't need to workout, you're already skinny"...  No, just staaahp.  Like every other female on this damn planet I am my own worst critic.  I see what I don't like about myself and that's what matters to me.  I don't care if anyone thinks I'm skinny or I'm fat.  I'm worried about what *I* see and what *I* don't like.

I am working out because I want to be skinny.  I know it's recommended to work out to be -fit- & -healthier-, but at the moment I'm thinking SKINNY.  In my opinion I think that's where most people start.  You see yourself in the mirror and dread seeing your reflection; at least that's how it is for me.  I think a lot of fitness journeys begin at the thought of wanting to be skinny, but once you've got that routine down it's all about being more fit and being healthier and nothing is wrong with that.

I, however, am still trying to find the motivation.

In the past, when Monday came back around I was dreading it because I knew what the day entailed - work, cooking, cleaning, soccer practices, softball games, etc.  Now when Monday pops back up I dread it because I know I have to do - my daily workout. 

I'm doing it [and doing it, and doing it well - oh why helluuur LL].

I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and think "DAMN I look fiiiiiiine!"...  I don't want to feel like I need to hide from my Husband when I'm changing or feel the urge to turn off the lights when we're bumping uglies so he doesn't see me [bwahaha] or feeling excited about rockin' a bikini and not feeling like I have to cross my hands across my stomach to hide it.  Yes, I have done all of the above.  I want to feel good about myself when I see me naked [way to sound vain].  Of course I decided to be all hot & skinny when Fall hits...  aka Sweater Weather...

Although, I will admit I am proud of how far I have come.

 

 

There have been mornings where I felt like puking while working out, but I pushed through it.  There are even times where I feel like it is impossible to accomplish some of the exercises, but I do it.  When I began my fitness journey I couldn't even plank for more than 30 seconds; you're supposed to hold it until you fail.  Today I did it for 1 minute, every single time.  Not only that, but I beat my 2 week quitting stage.  I'm already on Phase 2, week 3. 

I'm not at that stage where it becomes "addicting" - I don't foresee that ever happening, but I won't say it will "never" happen. 

I have my good and bad days.  I've already contemplated quitting because I don't feel skinnier and I don't see any changes, but I am definitely feeling SORE.  I'm still hoping for quick results [I can dream, right?]  So if you are thinking about getting fit or aren't as motivated - DO it; just get up an do it. 




xo,
sss