Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Goodbyes Suck

Well our newest adventure has begun.

When his departure date seemed to quickly approach it felt like I was falling into a deep endless pit, and as we hurried to make sure we did all the things we wanted to before he left it felt like I was flailing in panic as I fell.

I guess that's the best way for me to describe what it feels like to have my soulmate taken away (for the time being).

It's kind of sad, the kids are still kind of young (more so my Toddler) to understand what exactly is going on.  As we got in the car to drive to his drop off point, my Toddler was laughing and kept saying over and over again how he was going to work with Daddy - as he put on his daddy's cover (hat).  I swear he was just tugging at my heart strings.  My Little Big Man is not one for sharing his emotions, so he's been pretty mum.  He's more the type that you have to ask him how he's doing and he almost always replies with a giggle.

The past week my nerves and emotions were a hot mess, but as the day got closer it was even messier - which was expected.  That had to be the quietest car ride we've ever had.  It was this aching silence.  I didn't want to talk because I knew I'd start crying again.  So I would grip his hand tighter whenever I held back a sob.  As we walked along side him as he dragged his gear, it was nerve racking to approach the parade deck full of families/couples/etc. knowing that they're going through something similar.  Although, I felt like everyone had their shit together meanwhile I'm walking around red-eyed, red nose, my throat was tight, and I was on the verge of tears...  Again.

I don't remember the last time I cried this much.

I know it isn't goodbye, it's see you later - but it still breaks my heart.  I know I'm not the only person to ever go through this, nor the last.  But none of that means you can't feel sad or upset because people have already gone through something similar.  And yes, I mean SIMILAR because not everyone has the same EXACT experience.  So I just want to say for all of you that follow my blog and/or my social media be prepared to read how much I miss him.  Seriously, how often do you have your spouse leave for months or weeks at a time?  That's not something normal in the work place.  So you're damn right I'm going to be in my feelings.  I know I'm not going to die without him, but sometimes it sure does feel that way.  He's my person.  And it's not only the not seeing each other for a long period of time part, but you also have to factor in that anything can happen out there - GOD FORBID!  So it pisses me off and saddens me that there wasn't more effort put in to saying goodbye to him.  But it's like my Husband says "that's on them".  I believe that it takes a strong person to go through what we go through as a military spouse/SO or dependent.  This will be my first to experience a deployment so I can't really say I've been through enough to say I'm strong, but I know that we got this.

The memory I can't get out of my head is the urgency we both felt as the different posts were being called to load up in the buses.  So we hugged for as long as we could while the kids laid at our feet.  Then we cried even more and hugged even tighter - I just didn't want to let go.  It was that "this is it" feeling because that was it, our final goodbyes.  So when it was his turn we let go of each other, and he turned around and waved at us...  And that's when it felt like my heart just shattered to pieces.

I'm already counting down the days for when he comes home to us.


Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Family is Everything

Hi everyone!

When I'm not acting like a 'girl in junior high' or brainwashing my grown ass husband, this 'lovely bride' throws her husband a going away party.

I did just that and I'm so happy that I did.  Everyone seemed to have had a blast and the food was delicious.  My mom made some of her popular Filipino dishes to throw into the mix of burgers, fruit bowls, chips, etc.  I'm so glad that my family got to be here to be apart of this transition into the next chapter of our lives, as well as the friends that could make it.  We wanted to celebrate with all our family and friends and although some couldn't make it (and some chose not to) I'm thankful we got to do it while my family was here visiting.
Speaking of them being here, it felt great to be around family again.  My family is super close and we're very open with each other, and they've always been such a huge support system.  Which is why I was so happy they got to be here for a while because having a solid support system is so crucial - especially with what's to come - IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!  I feel like right now is time sensitive and fragile, so spending time with my husband/kids and my family felt beyond amazing!  With my husband's deployment nearing I'm grateful I have my supportive family to lean on, whether it be a phone call or while they were here.  When they were here they helped me lose track of time since we were so busy exploring CA and just enjoying each other's company.  We went to the Sky Zone Trampoline Park, San Diego Zoo, the beach, Disney California Adventure Park, and the Pirate's Dinner Adventure.  On top of all that, my mom did a lot of cooking while she was here.  She even hooked us up with her famous Lumpia and secret sauce [I'm seriously drooling over here].  I  felt like we were the ones on vacation!  It also almost felt like I was back home, we were just missing some of my siblings/their families.

I've been debating about going back home.  I thought I had my mind made up 100% that we'd stay here until he got back and then wait for our next steps in his military career, but apart of me feels like we should go back home because we have my big ass family to depend on.  Back home I have my family, friends that I would love to see again, and I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with assholes or fake people.  And let's not forget the food I've been missing! [I'm talking about you Smithfield's BBQ, Musashi's, Zaxby's, and Bojangles!]  I'm not saying going home means I have 'babysitters' as some like to call it because I'm definitely not the type to dump my kids on my parents every chance that I get.  Going home just seems comforting.

I just can't believe in less than two weeks he's going to be gone - and for a long time.  I keep finding myself dreading the day we have to make that trip to drop him off and say our goodbyes.  My throat gets tight, my eyes begin to water, and I feel myself wanting to ball my eyes out.  The longest time we've ever spent apart was a week.  We're not some clingy type of couple so that wasn't torture, but we also knew that he would be coming home soon.  Everyone keeps telling me to keep myself busy, but I already feel like I kind of do with the kids and the house.  I thought about getting a job, but with us down to just one parental unit I feel like that would make it more stressful for me having to juggle childcare, appointments, and school - and let's not forget I would still have to cook/clean.  I'm trying to remain hopeful [and remember to take deep breaths], but this is our first deployment.  And I didn't forget the kids, I can't help but stress how the transition is going to be for them?  I know that I have to be strong/tough for them, but I know it's also okay to have bad days.  It's hard to want to spend and enjoy every waking minute together without the other stuff clouding your mind.

I'm aware that I'll get the "that's what you get for marrying someone in the military" comment from some seasoned military spouse or someone who doesn't know any better, but none of that changes my feelings.  It still sucks.  But how lucky am I that I found someone who is brave and bad ass enough to enlist in a job like this?  So yes, the military life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but it has it's moments.  Some say "only the strongest can handle this" and apparently to a lot of my family and friends think that I fall into that category.  But this is unknown waters for me - I'm nervous, scared, sad, stressed...  I'm truly flattered that some think so highly of me and what I can handle, but this is a biggie.

It hasn't even happened just yet, but it's like I'm already anticipating the countdown of his return.


I truly believe that family is everything.  They are always there when shit hits the fan or things fall apart [at least I know that mine are].  When I care about someone I don't appreciate when they are mistreated - in any shape or form.  I go into protective mode.  I feel that everything is a choice.  So when people make choices due to their own selfishness or are just down right inconsiderate, I feel they can't blame anyone else but themselves when things don't go their way.  I'll leave it at that.

Just some words of wisdom from yours truly.


Thursday, June 22, 2017

I'm Not Ready

Good morning world.

I have a little over five weeks before my life changes for a while.  To say that I am 'nervous' would be an understatement.

I am terrified, sad, scared, etc. [you catch my drift]

I know this was bound to happen, but that was never going to change my feelings about it; it still sucks and I still wish he doesn't have to go.

It's all I think about.  I could be spending my time concerned that some of my family are upset with me and have unfriended me, but that isn't a priority [you all know how big I am on priorities].  Apparently, I'm only "allowed" to rant about things non-family related, otherwise I'm not allowed to have an opinion [insert eye roll].  So if you're one of those people who read my blog strictly to run back to my family and bitch about me and/or roll your eyes at my commentary, go ahead and click the 'X' in the top right corner - your count on my Page Views isn't needed.

*For future reference to anyone associated with me and not saying this was the intention recently, but un-following me on any social media platform or not speaking to me is not a jab at me.  Period.

Anyways, as the time is quickly approaching I feel like we're trying to smoosh anything and everything possible into the time we have left together.  This past weekend we went to Medieval Times.  I was on the fence about it, but we actually had such a good time!  So if you've been debating about going - go.  We had the VIP Royal Package, sat in the second row, and the food was delicious!  I fell in love with the baked potato and corn on the cob that they served - whatever seasoning they used, I WANT!  Oh yea, and the show was good too!  I could tell the kids got a kick out of it; they wouldn't stop waving their flags and throwing their fists in the air.  We also went to the SD County Fair for the first time.  As soon as we arrived and were on the verge of passing through the security scanners, the front tire on our jogging stroller went flat.  Surprisingly, the employees were extremely helpful and hooked us up with a tire pump.  I got my cotton candy fix, while we played games and rode plenty of the rides.  Both of my kiddos got lucky and each won a fish [unfortunately, one barely made it through the night and died early the next morning].  I guess we were having such a blast because we were there for hours!  When Sunday rolled around we surprised my Husband with goodies and then treated him to breakfast to celebrate Father's Day.  We finished the day with some fun at the pool and grilling out.  It was a lovely family-filled weekend and I loved every minute of it.

Like I said, I can't help but think about it.  I constantly catch myself thinking of the day he has to leave and my eyes instantly well-up.  I'm not ready.  Who is ever 'ready' to tell their loved one "I'll see ya later, I'll see you sometime next year!"...  No one.  If they tell you any different, they're lying.  We attended a pre-deployment brief and though it was informative, it didn't calm my nerves.  We were told that we need to keep in mind that our spouse's are leaving for a combat deployment.  If anything, it made my nerves skyrocket.  I keep thinking about how am I going to sleep at night and he's not there for me to put my foot or butt against, or bark at me to please turn off the TV because it's distracting, or hear him groan about having to get up early, or make fun of me for not properly opening a box/bag, or come home with my favorite bag of chips/candy bar, or grunt at me for not refilling the ice container - again...

I sound selfish, thinking about how it's all going to affect me, but this is MY time to be selfish.  I have to share him everyday and I rarely get him all to myself.  For awhile I was even debating about if I should or shouldn't throw him a going away party; a lot of my friends (who have experienced this once or too many times) told me I shouldn't feel obligated to and just focus on us.  But me, being the horrible bitch that I am, decided to throw one anyways so everyone else can share their farewells.  I figured he/we will be busy the last few weeks before he goes and there's no reason for us to travel elsewhere to accommodate everyone else - plus he won't be able to travel out of town the closer his departure is.  In a sense, I'm excited because I'm throwing the party while some of my family will be here visiting!  I'll have some familiarity and a piece of home here for a while.  I've missed them/home and it'll be a relief to be around family again.  I realized the downside is I'll have to tell them bye and then about a week later I have to say bye to my Husband too. I'm not ready.

I want to hug him longer, kiss him harder, dance with him more often, and just never let go.

I may not be ready, but I can do it.  It'll be hard, but I'll manage.  Not to toot my own horn or imply it was anything close to easy, but I was a single mom for a while.  So for all you naysayers who think I can't hang and think I'm ridiculous for wanting him to stay in the military, you have no idea what I can handle.


Saturday, June 10, 2017

Wedding Day Bliss - Strike Two

Hiii everyone!

Since this year has been full of weddings, I thought it would be fitting to do a little... Review? Like I had for my brother's wedding.

Where do I begin?

For starters if you had missed it, this was the bridal party I was originally asked to be apart of, but had backed out months before due to personal reasons.

Not to sound like Captain Obvious, but we can all assume that wedding planning is stressful. We all want our special day to be damn near perfect, but there's always some kind of chaos behind the scenes. The only problem is sometimes all of that results in zero communication - which I highly dislike.

We drove up on Thursday once our Little Big Man got out of school. Which by the way was his LAST day as a fifth grader! Where has time gone?! It was a short day for him and my Husband was on leave, but we took our time making the drive up being we had other things to do beforehand. Since we left late, plus it was the last day of school for a lot kids, and all the graduations, it took us FIVE hours compared to the usual three to get there! We had assumed that since the rehearsal was at 5pm with the dinner to follow at 6pm, that it would all be done and over with by the time we finally made it there. Wrong. We arrived at my in-law's house to find it vacant. So instead of sitting around and waiting, we were starving so we decided to grab a bite. Did I mention it was graduation day? There was more traffic and a lot of restaurants were super busy. So we had to settle for In-N-Out :/ Only to find out once we returned to the house that even though the rehearsal dinner was strictly "bridal party only" the three of us were also included in the count... Which myself and my Husband didn't know.

Earlier in the week I found out that my Husband had to ditch us for pre-wedding photos/videos prior to the ceremony. We - yes, WE because he didn't like the idea either - were under the impression that the session was only for a couple hours, but instead it was from that morning up until the wedding. Which meant... The boys and I were to be left at the house. Since I didn't want to get dragged into doing anything being I was going as a guest, I figured I'd make plans with my cousin-in-law's fiancé. Thankfully I did. Because while we were all sitting around catching up my IL's shared that when my Husband was to leave, so was my MIL, as well as my FIL... So if I had not made those plans we would have been ditched at the house all by ourselves.

At this point I'm even more irritated - a feeling I've grown all too familiar with when it comes to making plans with everyone. Although my boys and I weren't apart of the wedding, it sure was a big ass deal that at one point in time I wasn't sure if I/the boys would even be in the state to attend. So of course, we were kept out of the loop and ignored for a majority of the time we were there. Which was great [insert eye roll] and only contributed to my initial irritability of us dropping about $500 to attend this shindig in the first place. That's a lot of money to spend on one day for a couple who's already been married for a year or two...

I packed up the car and ran errands with my cousin to occupy ourselves until it was game time. Sometimes I can be a bit of a procrastinator so we were running a little late, but thankfully we made it on time. If it wasn't my procrastination, it was the fact that I had to run to/from the parking meter to pay to park... Since I wasn't sure where we were 'supposed' to sit and the venue happened to be in an open park, the boys and I just stood off to the side. Minus the loud cars driving by and the random people sitting on the benches, it was a cute little spot and the weather was perfect for the day.

Afterwards, it was announced (several) times that we all needed to leave and make our way to the reception down the road. Since there was zero communication, out of pure luck we got to take a family photo with the bride and groom. If I would have left like I was on the verge of doing so, they would of had to skip our family photo like they did to others who left in a hurry as directed.

So we made our way down the street to the reception only to discover that we had to pay for parking AGAIN. We ended up almost make a full circle around the building until we finally figured out where the entrance was. It turns out there was assigned seating and I'm so glad I was seated with my cousin. I don't know why, but for some reason I was under the impression there wouldn't be assigned seating. So we were nicely tucked away in the corner. The centerpieces were pretty, with birdcages and little flowers(?). I was getting a tad restless being I was still sick and of all days, my Toddler decided that this was the day to be whiny/antsy, or it could have been the fact that we had been sitting there, waiting for almost TWO hours for the bridal party to arrive... I'm guessing more pictures were needed or from the snaps I saw more pre-gaming needed to be done.

So at this point we're all bored out of our minds and could only eat so much salsa/chips, plus the kids were getting fussier by the hour. I wasn't feeling it at all anymore and it didn't help that I had to deal with it all on my own - but hey, what's new - so I decided we wouldn't stay very long. After all the extra-ness of their entrance we could finally eat. The food was crap, or at least that's what it made my Husband do; so instead we stuck to the fruit and salad as a precaution.

It was getting later and around the time I needed to re-pay the parking meter, when I noticed that the bride and groom were making their rounds to all the tables. So we waited thinking it was almost our turn, when instead we - my cousin and I - were given the cold shoulder. I don't believe in coincidences so I figured that was my cue to go. So we gathered up our things and the kids, then dipped. We didn't get a 'thank you for coming' and my kids were pretty much ignored for the most part since their grandparents were tending to their cousins.

We had originally planned to stay through Sunday like we normally do, but we opted to leave a day early because I had asked to. In my defense, my Husband had brought it up months ago that he wanted to leave on Saturday instead of on Sunday to spend as much time as possible with us being he's deploying. Well his charming self totally forgot he had said that and changed it back to Sunday. But after being snuffed and wasting our time/money I figured it was best to come home.

It doesn't help that once again this type of stuff has caused another rift between my Husband and I. It was a long/quiet ride home. I thought and still do that family is everything. I myself have a very close family, but I don't let my family delegate how everything plays out in MY life. My little family's happiness takes precedence and is my first priority, which I believe should be how we both look at it. Anyways, I think it's safe to say that any future trips that come up, he'll be making those solo to save the drama. I'll just leave it at that.

I didn't even get a picture of my outfit - the one I bought months ago just for this damn occasion.  I did score some pics with some super cute kids though.



On the plus side, this morning I got to nab one of the left over donuts since I didn't get a chance to last night. It was okay :/

***Edit:  Not that I need to explain myself, but I'm trying to assist you in getting the facts straight.  For the record, I don't want this to get misinterpreted that I thought this day was about ME.  I'm only sharing that in the past someone sure made such a huge fuss about the fact that at one point we weren't sure that the three of us could even be there.  So you would think that if it really meant a lot - like it was said - there would have been more effort to keep the "only" SIL and nephews in the loop rather than do everything in their power to exclude us.  So it makes me question how sincere any of that was.  On top of that all the money, not even including the gas to make the trip, etc. we spent to be a part of it all.  The money complaint was directed at my Husband.  When we go out to eat, give or take once or twice in a week, he sometimes complains about the money we've spent.  Yet when we're around his family and/or friends he'll drop money with no issue.  I didn't and still stand by that I was not putting down the "efforts" my in-laws put into the wedding itself.  If you actually thoroughly read my blog post I did compliment some of the efforts that I found were nice or pretty.  As always my posts are MY views/opinions that not everyone or anyone will agree with.  This is MY commentary and MY outlet.  I'm not going to shut up and ignore the fact that my kids and myself were mistreated.  The cold shoulder was BLATANT whether anyone wants to admit it.  I also found it interesting that after shared (with my Husband and on my post) that we were given the cold shoulder, my cousin got an apology right away...  No sweat because I'm not asking nor expecting one.  Which goes both ways - I'm not apologizing for anything being I didn't do anything but share what happened to us.  But for someone to go out of their way and apologize to only one of the two that were ignored when it was shared it was done to the BOTH of us sure says something, and I feel it feeds into my theory that most of what happened was intentional.


Sunday, April 2, 2017

That's What I Want

Hey everyone!

I'll get straight to the point because I'm driving myself crazy.

Lately, I feel like I've been a tad bit in a rut.  I find myself constantly saying "I want..." and so on.  I guess the reason I get so frustrated is because I can list all the things I want, but the answer will always be the same - I/we "can't".  I know some of the things I want aren't ideal at the moment, nor a necessity, but it still doesn't alleviate the fact that I want it.

I know right now you're probably reading this thinking "damn, she sounds like some spoiled brat", etc.  I am right there with you.  I hear myself and maybe that aids in my frustration.

I've come back full circle and am back at Square One: I'm not used to being dependent on someone else.  When I was still a working mom, whenever I wanted something I didn't need to ask or in some cases BEG and whine like a child [as I bow my head in shame]...  I could just buy it.

I want to replace the old/cheap dressers in our master bedroom to complete the room the way I've been wanting to.

I want to upgrade my cellphone and give my Little Big Man my would-be old phone.  His current cellphone has something internal that's broken (possibly his antenna) causing his WiFi to not work.  It has zero WiFi capabilities which sucks.  The main reason we got him a phone was purely for keeping tabs on him, but

I want to upgrade my 9 year old dining room table to something new and maybe bigger.

I want to buy a house, but at the same time I don't want to settle here.  California is a tad bit too extra for my taste.  The place is gorgeous, but you pretty much have to live and breathe money to live here.

I want to make my own money! [as I pull my hair out and scream]

I want to be able to spontaneously wake up and go to Disneyland because I feel like it.

See what I mean...  I sound like some bratty child.

Don't get me wrong, my husband spoils me when he can.  I just wish that sometimes ***I*** can do the spoiling.  I know we're married so it shouldn't be mine versus his, but we've always had mine versus his versus us.  I guess it's taking my mind a while longer to get used to the mentality that it's ours.  That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I feel like a child buying him a gift with money I've gotten from him.

But I've just been stuck in this rut that I'm unsatisfied with myself and how my life is going.  I feel like I could be doing so much more, but I can't pinpoint what that 'so much more' actually is.

In the future I do plan on returning to the working field, but I don't know what I plan on doing.  I've attempted to check out different jobs online that are available in hopes of finding one that I can actually do, but nothing that fits my criteria.

I know this entire post is nothing but me whining, but blogging it out is how I get it off my chest and clear my mind.  I'm not ungrateful for all the things that I do have.  I just have this feeling that I'm stuck in a box full of restrictions.  In the meantime, I'm still trying to learn to enjoy the little things.  If I'm lucky, maybe I can get some awesome suggestions from any of you lovely readers.

Positive vibes,