Monday, August 31, 2015

Last Day As A Working Mom

Good morning!

Today is the day - My countdown has reached 0

I'm excited, but it's still bittersweet.

I know what you're probably thinking, "well you were already contemplating about becoming a stay at home mom"...  EXACTLY.  I was only contemplating the decision, but that decision was made for me.  There were good days and there were bad days, just like any other job.  Over the course of 7 years some of my co-workers grew to be people I consider friends; I even found a couple that I consider my best. 

It'll be different waking up and not having to rush through the house to get all pretty for my day ahead.  It'll be different not having lunch plans almost EVERY day with the girls [planning beginning at 0900 lol].  It'll be different not being spoiled with Dunkin Donuts coffee when the time permits.  It'll be different not whispering through our cubicle (hand-made) window about the assholes in the office.

I will not miss dealing with the people who lied and got away with it.  I will not miss the favoritism.  I will not miss the rules that changed due to a change in mood.  I will not miss typing last minute orders that popped up in my email.  I will not miss the millions of lists/rosters I've had to create and upkeep.  I will not miss the fact that I haven't had the tiniest raise in 2-3 years, but other people did - some not close to deserving.


This is a new beginning for me and for my family.

It's a BIG change and a step in a new direction.  I've always done well with adapting (due to constant moving when my Dad was still Active Duty).  Since I had my Little Big Man I've always worked.  So I'm going from always making my own income, to now depending on someone else's; that just doesn't sit well with me.  I almost feel kind of helpless.

But you know what, I got this


Monday, August 24, 2015


Good morning & hopefully everyone had a not-so-horrible time getting all the kids back to school today!

As for me, today is going to be a very busy day:

1. My husband is TAD all week
2. That means I have double kid duty
3. First day of school
4. I have Mary Kay packages to mail out today
5. I must provide my proof of residence to the school
6. My last full week of work [AHHH! 5 MORE DAYS!]
7. First day of soccer practice
8. Oh by the way, I'm Team Mom :)
9. Do we HAVE to eat dinner? [kidding!]

So YES there's a lot on my plate today/all week, but I CAN DO IT! [helluuuur my Waterboy movie reference tee hee]

Can someone please explain to me why you can't miss someone or be bummed that they're gone... Regardless of the time frame?

I had made a comment about "damnit, my husband is going to be TAD all next week"...  It was misinterpreted as I was OH SO DEPRESSED & SAD that he was going to be gone.  That wasn't what I meant, but SO WHAT if I did...?  If I miss him because he's gone for a week - boo f*cking who, I miss him.  If I miss him because he's gone for a night to be on duty - boo f*cking who, I miss him.  He is my husband and he's a part of my everyday routine; so you're damn skippy I'm going to miss him.

The ironic thing was I made the comment because I came to the realization that I had MORE on my plate; that I couldn't share some of the responsibilities with someone else.

I don't apologize for my feelings nor do I feel the need to have to explain them.  I feel that whatever you're feeling you shouldn't feel bad about; you can't help what you're feeling.  Plus I felt this was something I could blog about [tee hee].

I figure I can mark this down via social media - this is the FIRST time my Husband & I have been apart this long [ERMAHGURD!].  It's not a big deal to some, but it's a big deal to me :)  We are still new to the Military Lifestyle as a family.  The longest we've been separated was because he had duty; we're usually stuck up each other's ass. 

So NO I haven't experienced a deployment and NO I didn't get to experience him being away at boot camp.  I didn't realize that you're only entitled to feel a certain way at specific time frames.  This whole Military Lifestyle shit can be ridiculous.  It's like you're never allowed to complain about shit when it comes to your active military significant other.  You can't complain or be upset that they have to leave.  You can't complain if they have to work late.  You can't complain if they have to take care of their Marines before their very own family.  You can't complain about taking care of the kids because your active military significant other's job comes first.  Who the hell makes up this shit anyways??? 

For all my non-military affiliated readers - doesn't that sound insane?!

#SorryNotSorry - but you bet your ass I complain. 

In my mindset we are equal.  Your job isn't any more important than mine [which I guess that excuse will be expiring very soon].  We share responsibilities because I didn't sign any paper stating I will be anyone's slave/maid/bitch.

I am tired of people making a mockery of military spouses.  "Well you don't understand what it's like to be a Marine.." - it's more like "Well maybe you don't know what it's like to be a civilian".  Not everyone understands the struggle.  I'm lucky so far that mine hasn't been that rough - yet.  I like to keep an open mind that I know this will be one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

I happen to enjoy being around my husband [for the most part lol] so when we don't see each other I DO miss him.

It just goes to show that I do love him.

Monday, August 10, 2015

First Impressions

Good morning!

I'm sure everyone has heard the saying "first impressions are lasting impressions" or something similar.

Doesn't that apply to relationships?

You start out trying to impress each other.  It's almost like a competition & you need to impress the judge [this time there's no plural here lol], but you've made it to the final round - the talent portion.  So this is it - now is the time to  show off all your fancy tricks and woo their socks off [that phrase makes me feel old].   I wouldn't necessarily count doing housework as a "trick" or "talent", but you get my point. 

Then fast forward.

You won!  Then what?  Those fancy tricks have now become EXPECTATIONS; you spoiled him/her in the beginning that now it is expected of you to continue to do how you do.

I hate that shit.

However, in relationships after you've won there is nothing [in my opinion].  You get so comfortable with each other that you don't feel the need to impress each other anymore.  I mean, why bother right?  You've already won.

Lately, I don't feel like much of a winner

There is no effort put in anymore.  There is nothing that feels passionate or intimate anymore.  There isn't any fun anymore.  It's both of us.  I don't feel like trying anymore; I'm always tired, frustrated, mad, & unhappy.

My first impression was this fun, but laid back handsome guy that was sweet, helpful, and organized & he just adored me.  I felt like a priority, happy, and just mesmerized at the feelings I was feeling.

But now - we are strictly Parents.  The kids come first; which I don't believe is a bad thing.  I just feel like that's the only purpose of us now.  I take care of everyone, but myself.  I make sure the kids are up, ready, & fed.  I make sure we have dinner.  I make sure laundry is done.  I make sure to clean up after everyone.  I make sure everything is organized.  I make sure the kids appointments are scheduled or that I get them there.  I put everyone before me.  I'm supposed to though, right?  Because I'm a Mom.  However, I'm also a Wife - which means there's another half to go along with me, which means more helping hands, yet it doesn't feel like it.  If anything I feel like it just added more work.

I honestly feel like we need s p a c e [see what I did there?].  Sorry, emotional shit makes me awkward.  I feel like I've become codependent and I don't want to be.  I've always been independent

I refuse to rely on anyone. 

I want to be selfish.  I want to start doing my own thing; be more about myself & stop worrying about everyone else.  But I know that I can't. 

I didn't realize how draining it could be - physically.  I feel so blah all the time.  I don't even feel like talking as much because it'll just be an argument.  Sometimes if we're lucky, things change for a week or less and then we're back to where we started.  It feels odd when you're in a relationship, but you feel more alone than ever.

They say the first 7 years of marriage are the hardest [the seven year itch].  Holy chet.  I'm already struggling with just 2 years under my belt.  It's understandable though.  You're still learning more about each other & trying to get everything just right.  That sounds easy, but it's stressful; especially if you're total opposites.

I'm hoping eventually that first impression will resurface because I miss it.


Monday, August 3, 2015

Tick Tock

Good morning my lovely readers!

As some of you may know, my time is ticking at work; where I worked for the past 7 years & some change.  When I posted my VLOG I mentioned it being bittersweet. 


It still is. 

I now have 20 work days left here.  Am I counting down?  Yes.  Why?  I'm nervous.  I'm scared.  I know this isn't some rare occurrence in the friggen world, but it's a first for me.  I am quickly approaching new territory.

What else is a big stress-er?  We are still waiting to here back about my husband's re-enlistment [I know I sound like a broken record, get used to it].  I am very curious as to what the USMC has chosen as our new "home".

Any hoot -

You would think that since I'm finally getting what I want [-ish] that I'd be excited.  I'm used to working for a living.  I am used to having my own money & contributing to our household financially.

Lately I feel guilty whenever I spend money.  I keep second guessing every purchase I make; asking myself if I really 'needed' whatever I bought.  To state the obvious, on my last blog post [rewind here] I shared that I went on vacation.  Well that vacation was planned PRIOR to me being told that I'm being "let go" [elsa?].  So you would think that when you're on vacation you should be relaxing and being somewhat carefree.  I couldn't.  I was worried we'd overspend. 

However, I think I'm the only one worrying.  That's typical Stephanie behavior [eww I'm talking in third person...]  I'm the one who handles/organizes/worries about everything

This crap pretty much put a stop to my BIG plans.  I wanted to buy a brand new car.  I was already in the mindset of "bye bye used car!" - NOT.  My lesson is I probably shouldn't have counted my chickens before they hatched.

All this is making me so blah and kind of sad.  My main social interaction is at work.  My husband and I don't converse much once we get home ;) [ooo la la! jkjk]  We're usually too busy playing on our phones, watching TV, making dinner, or interacting with our kids.  Plus, him and I have horrible communication - THAT topic is a totally different blog post that I'll get to one day.  My 2 best friends are at work [Patty you're still my bff so don't panic].  It'll be weird not seeing & annoying them everyday. 

I know there's nothing I can do.  On the plus side of things we'll be saving a shit ton of MU-LA-LA [b*tch betta have my money!] thanks to NO MORE child care expenses!  <-- This is my attempt at being optimistic.  I'm trying to be more positive about what's to come and relax a little more.  I'm trying to believe that all of this is happening for a reason [BOOM with the cliché!].

Forgive me if I sound like I'm trippin over nothing as if I'm in a Friday 13th movie. 

*P.S. thank you to all of you who give me feedback; the comments, Facebook messages/comments, and Instagram comments, etc.  I can't say it enough, but it definitely brightens up my day to know that you enjoy reading my thoughts & it also reassures me that I'm not speaking to myself [ta ha].