Tuesday, November 17, 2015

North Carolina

Good afternoon!

If you don't know, now you know - we are moving to California.

I've been telling myself that I was going to type another post, but from packing, cleaning, organizing, soccer, and the ball...  My mind has been in overdrive.

It was inevitable.  Am I happy?  No.  Am I excited?  No.  Am I mad?  No.  I'm sad, stressed, frustrated, scared...  I'll stop there.

If you've been following along with my journey then you've read how much I've whined and bitched about leaving here, home.  I wasn't born here, but this is where I've grown up; for 14 years to be exact.  My whole family is here.  It'll take some getting used to not having them just 20-30 minutes away.  I don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a few that I consider my best.

I am tired of hearing people telling me "you'll be alright" or "you'll be fine"...  You get it.  I'm sure it's just hopeful thinking.  Please don't tell me how I'm going to feel.  I don't know how many times I have to say it, but everyone has DIFFERENT experiences!  Your experience could have been a breeze whereas someone else's could have been fifty shades of f*cked up [and not the fun fifty shades either]. 

I have lists on lists on lists.  I've gone through all of our belongings and came to the conclusion I'm a borderline hoarder.  So I boxed up all my "what if" clothes and all the shoes that no longer belong in my wardrobe and dropped it off at the Salvation Army.  I called the school to find out how to un-enroll my Little Big Man.  I have yet to take pictures of all our valuable valuables and note all of their serial numbers...  With only 2 days left to do so [helluuur procrastination].   

This is a BIG deal for us.  It's our FIRST BIG move!

I think part of what stresses me out is the fact that we don't even have a house.  We're on a waiting list that supposedly is a 3-5 month wait.  It doesn't help that I keep hearing DIFFERENT experiences, like one family who's been stuck in a hotel/lodge for 6 months STILL waiting on a house.  My family had to do that before when my Dad got orders to Guam.  We were cooped up in a hotel for a looong time.

I find it ironic how different it feels being a spouse versus being a dependent child.  Growing up it sucked having to make friends and move to new schools a lot, but I rolled with the punches.  It was never hard making friends; more nerve wracking.  Now that I'm a spouse I feel like I'm losing my damn mind.  I'm worried about my Little Big Man moving in the middle of the school year and pretty much starting over.  I think he'll be fine in the friend department; although, he can be very shy.  I'm more worried about his school work.  I don't want to be one of those parents who just assume their kid(s) will get over it and just have to deal.  I'm just lucky that I'm not working at the moment so I can be there for him if/when he needs it.

I know our town has little to none of super fun things to do, but it's my comfort zone.  So to distract myself, I figure I can shed some light on some of the things (though few) that I've experienced here that I happen to enjoy.

1.  Southern hospitality.  Everywhere you go there will be assholes.  I actually grew to enjoy the quick greetings from complete strangers.  Which reminds me of when I first moved here.  I wasn't used to random people greeting me or even asking me how I was doing.  My go-to reaction was usually "I don't know you...  Why the hell are you speaking to me..."  I was usually nice enough to only THINK that and not say it out loud. 

2.  Bojangles.  I don't even know what KFC is anymore.  They have this amazing...  I guess breakfast/dessert - Bo Berry Biscuit.  I'm not a big fan of their sweet tea, but my Little Big Man LOVES it.

3.  Cape Lookout Lighthouse.  It was so pretty.  We took a ferry ride to get to the little island (?) and on the way we got to see wild horses.  Once we got to the island we got to tour the house and lighthouse.  Those stairs were no joke!

4.  Beach.  The beaches aren't what I was used to while living on the West Coast, but who doesn't like the beach???  The water here is a lot warmer than the Pacific Ocean.

5.  MacDaddy's.  It's similar to a Dave & Buster's.  There's food, an arcade for the smaller kids and another one for the older kids, a bar, and bowling. 

6.  My family took a trip to ride the train.  It was a fun experience for all of us.  At certain times of the year they have even have Thomas the Train that you can actually ride.

7.  MCAS Cherry Point.  I may be a little bias...  But that's how I met my Love :)

So for the time being we're moving out of base housing and moving in with my parents until it's time to hit the road.  I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  It's like YAY! We'll be surrounded by family more before we go, but will make it even harder to leave and say our goodbyes.  This will be our last Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and my Little Big Man's birthday that we celebrate together and I want to make the most of it.


Monday, November 2, 2015

Turn Back Time

Good morning afternoon [paused for mommy duties] my lovely readers!

For some odd reason, something last night triggered me to blog about... my past.  I know that doesn't sound like anything good and I don't owe anyone an explanation for my past, but I figure I can clear the air and enlighten you.  I don't know if it's because my family and I are getting ready to begin a NEW chapter in our life, but here goes nothing.

A long time ago I thought I was with the 'right' guy at the tender age of 17; The One, so to speak.  I had my oldest at the age of 16 and finally scored the guy that I had been chasing for what felt like forever [bad move, you shouldn't chase any man].  Honestly, I can't believe I was so stupid.  I think everyone goes through that phase where they think they've FINALLY found their person; as if that's what we search for our entire lives.  At the time it felt right.  I felt like I finally found someone I could be comfortable with.  However, I got too comfortable.  I was engaged at the age of 18.  Yea, yea...  Some might say that was too young to be taking that step; I still lived at home with my Parents and I was still finishing high school.  He pretty much moved in with my Parents too. 

Do you remember the part where I said I was so stupid...?

There were warning signs from the get-go!  We were so trusting of each other that we shared each other's MySpace passwords [haha the myspace days].  Maybe we weren't that trusting...  We both always checked each other's inbox, sent, and trash folders [crazy, I know] like we were already looking for something wrong to happen.  Shockingly, one day I did find something.  I was doing my regular snooping [okay, more like psycho] and discovered a message in his Trash folder [he forgot to empty the evidence].  It was a message to a "family friend" who had a cousin (female) in one of his classes.  He was running his mouth about how attractive she was and to let her know, etc.  That was a little odd being he had a fiancĂ©...  However, I huffed and I puffed, then he apologized and that was the end of it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't want to put him out there in a negative light; although that never went both ways. 

There was no excuse for what I did.  Fast forward another year and I ended up cheating on him.  Obviously our engagement was off.  At the time we were living in a small duplex together (our first place).  He kicked me out and dragged my name through the mud.  My "friends" at the time shared any of my dirty little secrets and aired my dirty laundry like it was nothing.  One of them was his younger brother's ex-girlfriend {Brittany}.  We were pretty close, but she figured the way back to his heart was to tell on me.  I can't forget about the ones that I worked with at the time who fed him any gossip they could think of; one of them even slept with him {Amber}.  I screwed up, BAD.  I ended up moving back in with my Parents (the first of many moves back and forth).

As time went on, it got worse.  When we'd break up he would drink and stalk me.  One of the times was so bad; he snatched my purse (car keys/cellphone inside) because I thought it wasn't a good idea for us to stay with him that night.  While wrestling for my purse back I got clocked in the jaw during the struggle, so my Little Big Man entered the room from hearing all the ruckus which resulted in him kicking us out of the house and him throwing my belongings out onto the yard.  He was so angry he even punched my car window as I prepared to drive away.  Another incident was so bad that it resulted in him getting arrested.  There used to be a night club everyone would frequent.  Since I worked on base I was always surrounded by men, which a handful were my friends; he never liked it.  One night after binge drinking he hopped into his car and drove to the club because he knew I was there.  Once he got inside he continued to drink and followed us around this small club and at one point even attempted to fight me; which resulted in him being kicked out.  The aftermath concluded with him being arrested. 

After that there wasn't much to rekindle.  Any time we got back together, it was for a shorter period of time.  He would always tell me that his boys were always looking out for him; as if threatening/warning me to behave/watch myself.  I was called any name you could think of.  He even convinced some of our mutual friends that I had made shit up and always referenced the time I cheated on him.  They would totally ignore the fact that he was the one losing his shit.  Everything was just so out of control - from simple break ups to screaming/yelling at each other to him getting physical with me (which he would deny).  We were just toxic for each other.  I even felt bad for him after everything and would take him out for dinner.  He later told me that his Parents "kind of" blamed me for what had happened to him; way to teach him not to accept responsibility for HIS actions.

We had continued this ridiculousness on/off for about 6 years.  Horrible idea.  There was the constant moving back/forth and the fact that my poor Little Big Man had to endure all of this drama too.  It was my biggest mistake as a Mom.  I kept thinking we could work things out and be a happy little family.  I should have looked at the bigger picture and put a stop to it all a lot sooner. 

Thankfully, I met my now Husband.  It was scary at first; he treated me so differently - like a gentleman should.  My Little Big Man took a liking to him so fast.  I'm pretty sure that's why I fell head over heels for him.  He didn't (and still doesn't) act possessive over me or ever try to manipulate me.  He knows of my past and it never changed his opinion of me.  He was a breath of fresh air and  I felt a different type of happiness with him. 

The best part: We found each other when neither of us was looking.

I guess my point is don't let your past stop you from moving on.  In my past relationship we both did a lot of screwing up.  It should have ended the moment I found that message.  It would have saved a lot of tears/money, etc.  I don't let my past define who I am; I was young and dumb.  I learned from my mistakes and took that relationship as a Lesson Learned.  I know that there's no point in looking back because you can't change anything.  So my words of advice are save yourself the heartache and MOVE FORWARD; you never know what possibilities can come your way.

Happy Monday!