Monday, November 2, 2015

Turn Back Time

Good morning afternoon [paused for mommy duties] my lovely readers!

For some odd reason, something last night triggered me to blog about... my past.  I know that doesn't sound like anything good and I don't owe anyone an explanation for my past, but I figure I can clear the air and enlighten you.  I don't know if it's because my family and I are getting ready to begin a NEW chapter in our life, but here goes nothing.

A long time ago I thought I was with the 'right' guy at the tender age of 17; The One, so to speak.  I had my oldest at the age of 16 and finally scored the guy that I had been chasing for what felt like forever [bad move, you shouldn't chase any man].  Honestly, I can't believe I was so stupid.  I think everyone goes through that phase where they think they've FINALLY found their person; as if that's what we search for our entire lives.  At the time it felt right.  I felt like I finally found someone I could be comfortable with.  However, I got too comfortable.  I was engaged at the age of 18.  Yea, yea...  Some might say that was too young to be taking that step; I still lived at home with my Parents and I was still finishing high school.  He pretty much moved in with my Parents too. 

Do you remember the part where I said I was so stupid...?

There were warning signs from the get-go!  We were so trusting of each other that we shared each other's MySpace passwords [haha the myspace days].  Maybe we weren't that trusting...  We both always checked each other's inbox, sent, and trash folders [crazy, I know] like we were already looking for something wrong to happen.  Shockingly, one day I did find something.  I was doing my regular snooping [okay, more like psycho] and discovered a message in his Trash folder [he forgot to empty the evidence].  It was a message to a "family friend" who had a cousin (female) in one of his classes.  He was running his mouth about how attractive she was and to let her know, etc.  That was a little odd being he had a fiancĂ©...  However, I huffed and I puffed, then he apologized and that was the end of it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't want to put him out there in a negative light; although that never went both ways. 

There was no excuse for what I did.  Fast forward another year and I ended up cheating on him.  Obviously our engagement was off.  At the time we were living in a small duplex together (our first place).  He kicked me out and dragged my name through the mud.  My "friends" at the time shared any of my dirty little secrets and aired my dirty laundry like it was nothing.  One of them was his younger brother's ex-girlfriend {Brittany}.  We were pretty close, but she figured the way back to his heart was to tell on me.  I can't forget about the ones that I worked with at the time who fed him any gossip they could think of; one of them even slept with him {Amber}.  I screwed up, BAD.  I ended up moving back in with my Parents (the first of many moves back and forth).

As time went on, it got worse.  When we'd break up he would drink and stalk me.  One of the times was so bad; he snatched my purse (car keys/cellphone inside) because I thought it wasn't a good idea for us to stay with him that night.  While wrestling for my purse back I got clocked in the jaw during the struggle, so my Little Big Man entered the room from hearing all the ruckus which resulted in him kicking us out of the house and him throwing my belongings out onto the yard.  He was so angry he even punched my car window as I prepared to drive away.  Another incident was so bad that it resulted in him getting arrested.  There used to be a night club everyone would frequent.  Since I worked on base I was always surrounded by men, which a handful were my friends; he never liked it.  One night after binge drinking he hopped into his car and drove to the club because he knew I was there.  Once he got inside he continued to drink and followed us around this small club and at one point even attempted to fight me; which resulted in him being kicked out.  The aftermath concluded with him being arrested. 

After that there wasn't much to rekindle.  Any time we got back together, it was for a shorter period of time.  He would always tell me that his boys were always looking out for him; as if threatening/warning me to behave/watch myself.  I was called any name you could think of.  He even convinced some of our mutual friends that I had made shit up and always referenced the time I cheated on him.  They would totally ignore the fact that he was the one losing his shit.  Everything was just so out of control - from simple break ups to screaming/yelling at each other to him getting physical with me (which he would deny).  We were just toxic for each other.  I even felt bad for him after everything and would take him out for dinner.  He later told me that his Parents "kind of" blamed me for what had happened to him; way to teach him not to accept responsibility for HIS actions.

We had continued this ridiculousness on/off for about 6 years.  Horrible idea.  There was the constant moving back/forth and the fact that my poor Little Big Man had to endure all of this drama too.  It was my biggest mistake as a Mom.  I kept thinking we could work things out and be a happy little family.  I should have looked at the bigger picture and put a stop to it all a lot sooner. 

Thankfully, I met my now Husband.  It was scary at first; he treated me so differently - like a gentleman should.  My Little Big Man took a liking to him so fast.  I'm pretty sure that's why I fell head over heels for him.  He didn't (and still doesn't) act possessive over me or ever try to manipulate me.  He knows of my past and it never changed his opinion of me.  He was a breath of fresh air and  I felt a different type of happiness with him. 

The best part: We found each other when neither of us was looking.

I guess my point is don't let your past stop you from moving on.  In my past relationship we both did a lot of screwing up.  It should have ended the moment I found that message.  It would have saved a lot of tears/money, etc.  I don't let my past define who I am; I was young and dumb.  I learned from my mistakes and took that relationship as a Lesson Learned.  I know that there's no point in looking back because you can't change anything.  So my words of advice are save yourself the heartache and MOVE FORWARD; you never know what possibilities can come your way.

Happy Monday!


No comments:

Post a Comment