Monday, August 10, 2015

First Impressions

Good morning!

I'm sure everyone has heard the saying "first impressions are lasting impressions" or something similar.

Doesn't that apply to relationships?

You start out trying to impress each other.  It's almost like a competition & you need to impress the judge [this time there's no plural here lol], but you've made it to the final round - the talent portion.  So this is it - now is the time to  show off all your fancy tricks and woo their socks off [that phrase makes me feel old].   I wouldn't necessarily count doing housework as a "trick" or "talent", but you get my point. 

Then fast forward.

You won!  Then what?  Those fancy tricks have now become EXPECTATIONS; you spoiled him/her in the beginning that now it is expected of you to continue to do how you do.

I hate that shit.

However, in relationships after you've won there is nothing [in my opinion].  You get so comfortable with each other that you don't feel the need to impress each other anymore.  I mean, why bother right?  You've already won.

Lately, I don't feel like much of a winner

There is no effort put in anymore.  There is nothing that feels passionate or intimate anymore.  There isn't any fun anymore.  It's both of us.  I don't feel like trying anymore; I'm always tired, frustrated, mad, & unhappy.

My first impression was this fun, but laid back handsome guy that was sweet, helpful, and organized & he just adored me.  I felt like a priority, happy, and just mesmerized at the feelings I was feeling.

But now - we are strictly Parents.  The kids come first; which I don't believe is a bad thing.  I just feel like that's the only purpose of us now.  I take care of everyone, but myself.  I make sure the kids are up, ready, & fed.  I make sure we have dinner.  I make sure laundry is done.  I make sure to clean up after everyone.  I make sure everything is organized.  I make sure the kids appointments are scheduled or that I get them there.  I put everyone before me.  I'm supposed to though, right?  Because I'm a Mom.  However, I'm also a Wife - which means there's another half to go along with me, which means more helping hands, yet it doesn't feel like it.  If anything I feel like it just added more work.

I honestly feel like we need s p a c e [see what I did there?].  Sorry, emotional shit makes me awkward.  I feel like I've become codependent and I don't want to be.  I've always been independent

I refuse to rely on anyone. 

I want to be selfish.  I want to start doing my own thing; be more about myself & stop worrying about everyone else.  But I know that I can't. 

I didn't realize how draining it could be - physically.  I feel so blah all the time.  I don't even feel like talking as much because it'll just be an argument.  Sometimes if we're lucky, things change for a week or less and then we're back to where we started.  It feels odd when you're in a relationship, but you feel more alone than ever.

They say the first 7 years of marriage are the hardest [the seven year itch].  Holy chet.  I'm already struggling with just 2 years under my belt.  It's understandable though.  You're still learning more about each other & trying to get everything just right.  That sounds easy, but it's stressful; especially if you're total opposites.

I'm hoping eventually that first impression will resurface because I miss it.


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