SAHM Update

So I'm 7 months deep into my Stay At Home Mom status.

There are days where I ache for some social interaction with adults - any banter that doesn't involve a cryptic to understand some of the toddler babble.

There are days where I'm relieved I don't have to get all dressed up and rush off to a day filled with awkward/unwanted conversations and forced smiles to pass the day.  I can "relax" [I use that term losely] and hang out with my mini me.  I can throw dinner in the crockpot first thing in the morning, meanwhile clean the house, maybe read a few books [Pete the Cat is where it's at people!], clean up toys about 5x before noon, and run some errands before it's someone's nap time [okay, my nap time].  Honestly, there are some days I can't wait for that time of the day.  For those of you who aren't familiar - yet, it's similar to when you're working out and you can't wait to finish your set.  So you start breaking down your reps or time into smaller increments to make yourself feel [at least mentally] that you're almost done.

Regardless, I am so grateful that I'm lucky enough to stay home and raise/teach my Toddler.  I wish I could have done the same with my Little Big Man.

However, I've gradually fell into line with all the other yoga pant loving, jogging stroller pushing Moms.  

*On another note - the attire around here seems to be fitness clothing galore.  I ventured out to San Diego one day and almost every chick I saw, young/old/skinny/thick/chunky/lumpy/pretty/ugly/#YouNameIt, was rocking some Lululemon leggings paired with a Nike pullover and Nike shoes.  I sometimes feel like I'm overdressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. It's almost like someone up above is trying to drop me a big fat hint by rubbing fitness all up in my face.

If you didn't know - I'm currently enrolled in school :) - now you know.  I'm taking online classes to graduate with a certificate in Business Administration.  Might I add -- It sure is time consuming!  Each lesson presentation and quiz/test that follows takes approximately 2 HOURS!  [key word, approximately.  You try tucking in a toddler SEVERAL times and try to do your school work... In a two story house]  I also have to complete the reading assignments, respond to discussion questions, and complete an assignment to submit to my instructor at the end of every module I complete...  Whew...  I'm still working on finding my balance and managing my time a little better.  -->Insert your helpful advice here<--

 I'm still friendless [boo hoo meh].  My neighbors (to the right) seem really nice.  We've only exchanged some friendly banter in passing and she brought over deviled eggs on Easter [ERMAHGURD I love deviled eggs!]  So in return I baked some cookie brownies and brought some over as a thank you.  Other than that I'm usually cooped up inside binge watching Netflix, cleaning, cooking, or entertaining my very active toddler {formally known as my Newbie}.  I'm open to meeting new people and I know I have quite some time to do so.  I just miss being able to have lunch or grab some coffee with my Dad/Sis or my girl friends.

I'm not sure if I ever shared this, but when we were still in NC we made dinner time an "electronics-free" time - no phones or anything else at the table.  I value family time a lot and can't stand when everyone [including myself] has their face buried in their phone.  So for the past two months or so we've made Fridays our "Family Movie Night" with the same rules applied.  We watch a kid friendly movie and leave the electronics in the other room.  I'm actually surprised that my Little Big Man really enjoys it since it's ALWAYS a kid movie he's "already seen" and I can't help but notice my husband gets a little excited when we finally make it to Friday [other than the fact the work week is over].

I had some different, hopeful expectations about this place, but I'm adapting like I always do.  My goal is to make the best out of this duty station.

Until next time --



xo,
sss

California Living

Hellooo from the other side...

So we made it to CA.  We've been here for a about two months and I'm still not feeling it here.  I don't understand what all the fuss is about this place.  The only thing I've observed is there is a huge variety of places to eat at.  Yet we've ate a lot of In N Out Burger, The Habit, and Chilis...  It still takes the same amount of time to get to places to shop or eat.  The traffic here is ridiculous.  The people here always seem to be in a rush and are extremely impatient [Kim you'd fit in lol].  I haven't come across too many rude people - though I was tempted to bump a few ladies with my shopping cart the other night [apparently some people here don't know the words "EXCUSE ME"] for acting cunty.

I've had my moments where I'm homesick.  My brother and his wife sent the sweetest gift a couple weeks ago.  The day I received it was truly perfect timing; I was feeling down and they sent me some little things to remind me of home.  It was very thoughtful and I love it.  The letter from my brother, of course, made me cry like a bishhh. 

The school here has totally thrown me for a loop!  My Little Big Man gets a half day EVERY week [where was this shit when I was still in school?!]...  Instead of being out of school for President's Day, he had ALL WEEK OFF because it was "President's Week"...  So he loves that aspect.  He's made friends quickly which I wasn't too worried about anyways.  I was concerned his schooling from NC would be behind CA, but so far so good!

My sister-in-law suggested I take advantage of the long, but short [it makes sense to me] walk to the school since I'm trying to hop back on the "I Need to Work Out" bandwagon again.  That lasted... 1 week... [I blame the weather!]  There was a week of bipolar weather [I almost felt like I was back home] so I didn't want to be pushing a stroller and walking against the crazy ass wind.  This week I was preparing to start up again aaand it rained.  Excuses.  I'm hoping I get all motivated again because my double butt is peepin. 

That's my problem - one of them.

I have zero motivation.  I'm so blah.  I don't know; maybe some of you can relate...  Have you ever felt like you're not living to the fullest?  That's exactly how I've been feeling.  I feel like I haven't been living to my full potential.  I've taken a very tiny, itty bitty, baby step and have been looking into schools. I figure it'll keep me busy and I've put it off long enough. 

I just feel lost. I used to be so independent and now I'm a mess. 

I feel frustrated, and resentful. I'm mad that I'm here, in this foreign [at least to me] place. I resent my husband for trying so hard to get us here.  I'm disappointed that he isn't there for me emotionally.  I just have this feeling, deep in my gut, that I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life and I never agreed to that.  I'm frustrated that almost always, everything in MY life has to change.  When we were expecting our Newbie, I often went to appointments by myself.  When I was still a working Mom I was in charge of making appointments, taking the kids to their doctor/dentist appointments, taking time off when any of the kids were sick, and even times when I stayed home sick our Newbie coincidentally stayed home too.  I don't know why, but I guess I had higher expectations.

I'm not happy anymore.

I'm not happy with myself, or anything for that matter - & haven't been for a while now.  I need to be a better version of myself.  One that is less stressed.  One that has more patience.  One that doesn't get mad so easily when people copy my ideas or share their opinions when they weren't asked.  One that is more laid back.  One that is comfortable in my own skin.  One that my kids can be proud of.  One that is more relaxed [I guess that falls under laid back - whatevs].  One that laughs more and smiles often.  One that doesn't waste my time and energy on irrelevant people.  One that manages time better.

I just need to make it up this big hump of negativity and then I'll be on my way.

Until next time, I hope everyone has a happy Tuesday!

xo,
sss

The End of My Era

Hello my lovely readers.

I swear, I have the best thought process when I'm in the shower. All the things I want to share are forgotten the moment I grab my towel [so frustrating].

So anyways, we celebrated our last New Year's in NC. My Mom's tradition has always been that you bring in the new year with the people you expect/want to spend the year with. I've grown up with that tradition and I have kids - No, I'm not saying that being a parent means you don't get to have fun, but it has swayed ME to want to stay home to celebrate. I'm not a huge drinker [but I do enjoy my wine] and I'm too lazy to get all dressed up and go out. I am a home body. Do I have any New Year resolutions? F*ck no. Why? Because I'm realistic; I know myself well enough to know that I won't stick to it. It could be because I never pick a realistic resolution; mine should be: To not hold my pee. I do it all the time for some reason. I used to be all up in that trend of #NewYearNewMe. Now I just laugh because it's silly; all of that hopefulness goes out of the window within the first week of two [don't even lie] - at least for me.

This Saturday we celebrated my Little Big Man's 10th birthday party here one last time in NC. We partied it up - or watched a movie [same thing for me lol] at the movie theater. By the way, the movie The Good Dinosaur, is a super cute movie with quite a few tear jerkers thrown in the mix. I think it's buy-worthy, but I may have an obsession with purchasing DVDs galore...  The celebration came a little earlier than his actual birthday, but it gave us all an opportunity to say our goodbye's to more friends and family.  

I've done so well with my emotions lately - at least the sad part. Any time I've caught my self thinking in that direction I'd quickly think of something else to get my mind off of it. Any time someone brought up how our departure date was quickly approaching I'd change the subject... Or tell them to shut up. 

But before I start rambling on about how much I hate that we have to go or how much I'm going to miss my family - keep the salty ass comments about "it's part of the military life so get used to it" to yourself. This is my FIRST move as a SPOUSE. This is MY experience. I know my husband JOB is he's a Marine, but I didn't marry him nor fall in love with him because of his job title. So if you can contain your eye rolling to a minimum and continue without being a dick... Read on.

This is the hard part.

Ed Sheeran - Photograph (Official Music Video)

On Saturday my first hard goodbye I came across was my older brother. I don't see him often as is. He and his wife bought a house (that I never had a chance to see) plus got somewhat of an upgrade in the job department ($$$) that it ended up moving them a little ways away from all of us. So when he came in for a hug, I lost it. I tried to hold in my sobs, but out came the ugly cry. The car ride home was somewhat quiet. I don't know if my Husband was trying to distract me by continuously talking, but I kept getting all teary eyed. 

I guess realization is beginning to settle in or it's now smacking me in the face that this is only going to get harder.

Next up was one of my older sisters and my nephews. I assumed they were leaving the following day, but they had to go back home too. We were all pretty stoked when her husband got orders near here because that meant we could see them a lot more. All of the boys happen to be around the same age so you could only imagine the chaos when all of them are together. 

*I had this crazy idea that I could say bye to ALL of them at ONE time. I totally forgot that everyone has their own life (school, work, etc) so I threw myself off being I don't have either one. I spent my Saturday on the emotional roller coaster. By the way, I dislike roller coasters.

As Tuesday got closer I felt more and more nervous. I couldn't believe this was really about to happen.

On Monday my Mom made one of my favorite foods - Tinola. I made sure to stuff my face because I have no idea how to make it & no one makes Filipino food like my Mama. 

Downfall is I had to say bye to my little brother. Every time I've tried to not cry, I did. He really wants to come out to CA so I'm hoping we'll see him soon enough. 

Next was my other older sister and my nephew. I think we make each other ugly cry any time shit gets sad. I don't know what my Little Big Man and nephew are going to do without each other; they've grown up together. Last night my nephew was tugging on my heart strings. He started to sob when he hugged his cousin goodbye. It was depressing....

I tossed and turned all night. The bed we've been sleeping on isn't really that comfortable, but last night was worse. 

This morning I felt awkward like we all had our hands stuffed in our pockets avoiding the obvious that it would be time to go in just a few minutes. I wasn't going to be the one to say "already you guys, let's start loading up into the car" so I kind of hung out as much as I could. I got teary eyed a few times watching my parents play around with the kids.

Then came time for my hardest goodbye, my Parents. I didn't want to let go. My Parents have helped me out more than the fingers on both of my hands. I don't even want to picture the holidays. I like to think of my Parents as home base of operations; we all come together at their house. So I can't wait until I come back [here's my tiny attempt at being optimistic]. 

I've said it plenty and I'll say it some more, this is a big deal for my family and I; we are as close as close can be. 

I love you all, this is only "see you later" - not goodbye.  

xo,

steph

Emotion Roller Coaster

Hello all of you beautiful people.

My has it been a rollercoaster ride mixed with a pinch of talent of walking on egg shells.

 

So we have about 2 weeks left here in lovely NC.  If you must know, YES I'm still sad and not excited about it all [you'll be stuck reading this in a lot of my future posts for a while - beware].  I'm beginning to feel more nervous as time continues to slip away.  I feel a little more relieved each time we cross off stuff from our agenda.  We went to our last USMC ball which was short/sweet because the Husband was so uncomfortable in his dress blues and we had children to pickup.  Our final house inspection went well; we ended up not having to pay anything other than prorated rent for two days.  We finally got some exciting news that we actually have a place WAITING for us for when we get there - talk about a weight being lifted OH MY GAWD!  I didn't like the idea that we were stuck on a waiting list and had such a big time frame as to when we "might" get off of it.  There is one thing that flagged my nerve - there's NO A/C in any of the houses over there.  Now I don't know about you, but I happen to like having OPTIONS.  Yea, yea, yea...  So we'll be near the beach - I don't care, you don't know my temperature preferences!  Another exciting event on our Agenda is we decided to celebrate my Little Big Man's birthday one last time here, surrounded by family and friends.  Surprisingly with both of us being procrastinators at times, we've already reserved his birthday location.  Now I just have to make sure I order a cake on time [one year I almost forgot lol]. 

For the time being we're staying with my Parents until it's time to hit the road.  My, oh my, has it been interesting.  It's like all of the timers on everyone's ticking time bombs are about to go off.  It's like that pimple on your face that's on the verge of popping, that nut you're about to catch, or that fart that's been bubbling in your gut getting ready to say hello from your backside...  It's happening.  We're a big ass family with a bunch of different personalities that don't always play well together.  I don't know if they're all supposed to go off before Christmas, on Christmas, or what, but I can sense the tension in the air.  I think it's because we've been cooped up together more than what we're used to and we've quickly reached our quota.  I know we're all trying to adjust to living together and trying to not step on anyone's toes, BUT - have you met my Mom?  She has a lot of different rules/regulations/stipulations/guidelines/laws...  [I think you get it]  So I've TRIED to clean up after my little squad; which that task is a toughie when you have a toddler and two boys [my Husband acts just like my Little Big Man].  However, my Parents have been VERY accommodating!  My Dad has been extremely helpful (like always!) with my Little Big Man; making sure he's up for school, dropping off/picking him up from school, fixing him breakfast - this is like HEAVEN for him both of them right now.  My Dad has a tendency to spoil the shit out of these grandchildren ["it's their job" yeeea shut it].

 

I'm still this big ball of emotions and it's so annoying.  A lot of times I have to hurry and think of a different topic so I don't randomly start balling my eyes out.  I can tell that all of us are a tad A LOT bit stressed.  The snappiness game is too strong right now.  Everyone handles their emotions differently.  You have the ones who are just straight up sensitive.  Then you have the ones who will say what's on their mind [why heyyyro].  Then you have the ones who seem like they stay mad.  One person, from what I've observed, will not let me catch a break - ever.  I can be on my best behavior and think I'm doing a bomb ass job, but then get served with a pink slip that reads "swerve".  You would think by now I'd be used to it, but yet I still have yet to understand it.  A lot of times I feel like that because I'm so outspoken and tend to be the "rebellious" child that that's somehow cause for resentment or maybe that has given me a life time access VIP Pass to being labeled as the guilty party.  You can place me in a room full of people and somehow my name will be dropped into the mix; I could even be asleep in that room full of people and I'd still be blamed for murder.  I will never understand it.  There are plenty of times where there's been some big family blowout and afterwards I've pondered what the hell did I do that there's always that hostility towards me.  I wouldn't say it's hate for me, but a lot of times I feel like the scale is definitely heavier on that side.  I would say it's because of us moving away, but it's always been this way.

 

Here's a funny [not really], short story I thought I'd share to lighten up the mood [kinda]:  We have both of our cars *PAID OFF* [say word], but we can only be reimbursed for one.  So our other option is to ship one of our cars.  The other day my Husband mentions he thinks we should look into a bigger car to make our trip easier; that way we wouldn't have to worry about shipping one, we can ride more comfortably, more room for our shit, etc...  It was like music to my ears because when I was still employed I had been begging for a bigger car.  So one day we peeped several car dealerships in the area to see what our options were [I seriously felt like a little kid at a candy store].  He kept reminding me that we were just LOOKING and that we're not going to be impulsive [hi, my name is Stephanie and I am an impulsive shopper].  So can someone please explain to me why NOW we are NOT getting a bigger car!?!?!?  Apparently, I misunderstood him.  He said he meant he was only looking into it incase we wanted a new car a couple years from now...  So maybe I've lost my damn mind or something, but I don't know what that had to do with making our move easier...  Now I know what puppies children [same thing right? jk] feel like when you tease them with treats.  So please remind me to never get excited over anything when he says it; k thanks.

 

I can't believe Christmas is TWO DAYS AWAY!!!  [being it's now past midnight and I'm still editing]  I'm starting to feel pretty hyped about Christmas though [despite being jipped on a new ride lol].  I bought candy canes because what's Christmas without any!?  I even discovered Mint Chocolate candy canes...  They are so delicious!  I've already heard the best Christmas song "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by 'N*SYNC -- "I'ma let you finish, but 'N*SYNC had one of the best Christmas songs of all time!" [in my Kanye West voice lol].  In all seriousness, this is my favorite time of year.  I love the music, the decorations, the "togetherness" or the idea of, and shopping [helluuuuur sales!]...  Okay, and presents [duh we all do].  Anyways, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and hopefully I can post before we drive cross country!

 

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
xo, sss

North Carolina

Good afternoon!

If you don't know, now you know - we are moving to California.

I've been telling myself that I was going to type another post, but from packing, cleaning, organizing, soccer, and the ball...  My mind has been in overdrive.

It was inevitable.  Am I happy?  No.  Am I excited?  No.  Am I mad?  No.  I'm sad, stressed, frustrated, scared...  I'll stop there.

If you've been following along with my journey then you've read how much I've whined and bitched about leaving here, home.  I wasn't born here, but this is where I've grown up; for 14 years to be exact.  My whole family is here.  It'll take some getting used to not having them just 20-30 minutes away.  I don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a few that I consider my best.

I am tired of hearing people telling me "you'll be alright" or "you'll be fine"...  You get it.  I'm sure it's just hopeful thinking.  Please don't tell me how I'm going to feel.  I don't know how many times I have to say it, but everyone has DIFFERENT experiences!  Your experience could have been a breeze whereas someone else's could have been fifty shades of f*cked up [and not the fun fifty shades either]. 

I have lists on lists on lists.  I've gone through all of our belongings and came to the conclusion I'm a borderline hoarder.  So I boxed up all my "what if" clothes and all the shoes that no longer belong in my wardrobe and dropped it off at the Salvation Army.  I called the school to find out how to un-enroll my Little Big Man.  I have yet to take pictures of all our valuable valuables and note all of their serial numbers...  With only 2 days left to do so [helluuur procrastination].   

This is a BIG deal for us.  It's our FIRST BIG move!

I think part of what stresses me out is the fact that we don't even have a house.  We're on a waiting list that supposedly is a 3-5 month wait.  It doesn't help that I keep hearing DIFFERENT experiences, like one family who's been stuck in a hotel/lodge for 6 months STILL waiting on a house.  My family had to do that before when my Dad got orders to Guam.  We were cooped up in a hotel for a looong time.

I find it ironic how different it feels being a spouse versus being a dependent child.  Growing up it sucked having to make friends and move to new schools a lot, but I rolled with the punches.  It was never hard making friends; more nerve wracking.  Now that I'm a spouse I feel like I'm losing my damn mind.  I'm worried about my Little Big Man moving in the middle of the school year and pretty much starting over.  I think he'll be fine in the friend department; although, he can be very shy.  I'm more worried about his school work.  I don't want to be one of those parents who just assume their kid(s) will get over it and just have to deal.  I'm just lucky that I'm not working at the moment so I can be there for him if/when he needs it.

I know our town has little to none of super fun things to do, but it's my comfort zone.  So to distract myself, I figure I can shed some light on some of the things (though few) that I've experienced here that I happen to enjoy.

1.  Southern hospitality.  Everywhere you go there will be assholes.  I actually grew to enjoy the quick greetings from complete strangers.  Which reminds me of when I first moved here.  I wasn't used to random people greeting me or even asking me how I was doing.  My go-to reaction was usually "I don't know you...  Why the hell are you speaking to me..."  I was usually nice enough to only THINK that and not say it out loud. 

2.  Bojangles.  I don't even know what KFC is anymore.  They have this amazing...  I guess breakfast/dessert - Bo Berry Biscuit.  I'm not a big fan of their sweet tea, but my Little Big Man LOVES it.

3.  Cape Lookout Lighthouse.  It was so pretty.  We took a ferry ride to get to the little island (?) and on the way we got to see wild horses.  Once we got to the island we got to tour the house and lighthouse.  Those stairs were no joke!

4.  Beach.  The beaches aren't what I was used to while living on the West Coast, but who doesn't like the beach???  The water here is a lot warmer than the Pacific Ocean.

5.  MacDaddy's.  It's similar to a Dave & Buster's.  There's food, an arcade for the smaller kids and another one for the older kids, a bar, and bowling. 

6.  My family took a trip to ride the train.  It was a fun experience for all of us.  At certain times of the year they have even have Thomas the Train that you can actually ride.

7.  MCAS Cherry Point.  I may be a little bias...  But that's how I met my Love :)


So for the time being we're moving out of base housing and moving in with my parents until it's time to hit the road.  I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  It's like YAY! We'll be surrounded by family more before we go, but will make it even harder to leave and say our goodbyes.  This will be our last Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and my Little Big Man's birthday that we celebrate together and I want to make the most of it.



xo.
sss