Thirty-One.

THIRTY ONE. Another year older. 

On my birthday I like to reflect and check myself.

What have I accomplished?

What are my goals?

What do I want to improve?

What to I want to maintain?

Am I happy?

You get my point.

I can honestly say that I’m proud of who  I am becoming. I feel like I’m slightly a little more laid back (baby steps, people) and I don’t always let little things get the best of me. Now I’m not saying some things still don’t bother me to my core, but now I choose to not react every time. You have to pick and choose your battles, right? I’m normally so quick to snap at someone or say what’s on my mind the instant I think it, but now I think that I handle myself a lot better. I’m not so quick or eager to clap back, I think before I speak (most of the time lol), and I control my expressions a little better. 

One of my main focuses this year is my fitness/health. If you follow me on Instagram then you know how often I workout and that I don’t just walk around in athletic wear lol I love working out because I feel better mentally/physically, it gives me confidence, I feel stronger, and I truly enjoy learning more about it. Maybe one day I could get certified and train people, who knows...? 😉

I’m becoming a firm believer in “speaking it into existence”, putting it out there into the universe hoping it’ll listen. Or maybe the act of saying something out loud actually puts you into action... I have a big goal in mind, or perhaps a new dream, that I want to put into action. I’m really hoping that this year I can because the thought of it gets me so damn excited.

As I reflect I see how I’m changing and I like it! Physically I’m still a work in progress, but I’m happy to report that it’s in the direction I want. Im not into weighing myself often because I like to lift and I don’t do a lot of cardio. I’m gaining more muscle and really focusing on that mind-muscle connection.

Obviously change can go either way, good or bad. Sometimes you can get so caught up and have that “tunnel vision”  that you lose yourself or lose sight of your goals. Never forget where you started, who was there, and/or why you even decided to. 

I like to remind myself where I started by looking at my ‘before’ photos. Seriously progress photos are so helpful. And sometimes it’s deeper than looking a certain way; maybe you started because of your health. My hubs always supports and assists me in everything I do. As well as my Dad who always tells me how proud he is and likes to make my head big telling me that I motivate him. 

I started working out because I was tired of not liking what I saw in the mirror. I would constantly complain, but do nothing about it. So finally I decided if I wanted change, I had to change. 

But let’s not just talk about physical change, even change in your mental or how you carry yourself. If you have multiple people telling you the same/similar issue, it’s time to re-evaluate yourself! If you are the constant denominator in a negative situation, it’s time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. If you always have drama, check yourself. It can’t be a coincidence that more than one person is bringing up the same thing. The people you hold near & dear or who are closest to you try to look out for your best interests because they care; they may see things you don’t because your head is too far up your ass or your head is too high in the clouds - lets just call it that “tunnel vision” lol. So don’t be so quick to be defensive to those who have been there from the get-go. There may come a time where you can’t rely on them anymore. You need to remember who’s always there when things fall apart and don’t take it for granted. I am guilty of this. 

But all that “nagging” coming from all directions is life’s way of throwing up warning flags for you.

I think that growing and maturing comes with being able to admit your wrongs just as you would admit when you’re right. I know I have some toxic traits and I can admit it. I’m now 31, but I’m still growing and learning. 

You have to find balance. I struggle with this everyday; whether it be with food or with life.

I know recently the tragic passing of Kobe Bryant & everyone else onboard that helicopter has been a huge eye opener for everyone. It was a reminder that not everyday is promised. Since then it has been a constant thought in my head. 

So with that being said I’ve made a promise to myself:

To pay more attention to my kids. There is nothing on this planet that is more important than your children - PERIOD. 

To LIVE. 

To do something everyday that makes me happy. 

To remember to take care of myself. 

To smile. 

To be kind. 

To remember to call my parents more. 

To check in with my siblings more. 

To laugh more. 

To never forget where I started in my fitness journey. 

To keep dancing.

To stop comparing myself. 

To remember I’m my own competition. 

To be thankful. 

xo,

Steph

Hello -- Again.

Whats up guys?!

If you're new to my blog, hi I'm Stephanie.  And if you're returning to my blog, hiiiiii!

Per the usual, I figured "it's a new year, why not start blogging again?" So here I am.

It's been so long so I'll give you a quick summary of what's happened in my life.  My husband did return from deployment (yes, my blogs are that behind).  He's now a Drill Instructor.  I still work out, but with better focus and I've learned quite a bit).  My kids are still constantly growing too fast.  I'm still a stay-at-home mom.

But I thought what better way to make a comeback, than to share one of my near and dear stories. I'm sure I've shared some of it before; I may have even blogged about it in the past. But here goes nothing...

Where do I begin?

I was 16 & pregnant (before it became a TV show).  Never did I ever imagine that I'd be "one of those girls".  But of course, I was young and stupid.  I thought I was invincible.  Boy, was I wrong!  Unfortunately, I don't have many photos of my pregnancy.  I was too busy feeling humiliated, embarrassed, and scared - to name a few.  Plus it would have been evidence of my bad decisions.  Any photos that I do have I had covered my face or asked that my face not be in it.  At the time I thought that I would never want to look back on these moments.  Again, I was far from right.  I wish I had photos of how my baby bump progressed every month.  But how should I have posed?  Hold my belly and stare with so much admiration and anticipation?  Candidly laugh with excitement?  It was such an odd time for me.  It wouldn't have been the full 9 months considering I didn't find out until I was 5-6 months pregnant.  [insert surprised expressions and gasps]  Yup, you read that correctly.  That my friends is what happens when you have (a little TMI moment) an irregular period.  Not only did that play a factor, but I'm a small person so I wasn't really showing.  Anyways, I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy like most people envision or hope to.  My whole mindset was survival.  Luckily, being pregnant didn't deter me away from my schooling.  I continued going to school until it was close to my due date and then I was home schooled for a short while before/after the birth of my sweet baby boy.  I was due on New Years Eve, but he wasn't ready so I was almost 2 weeks overdue before I was finally induced.  I ended up having an emergency c-section instead.  But the relief was short-lived; this was only the beginning.  I now had this little baby depending on me which made it much more real that my life had changed completely.  I'm forever grateful that my family helped me, rather than abandon me.  I still got to play soccer and I graduated high school.

Although I resented myself for bringing a baby into the world while being so young, I don't regret him.  Having him made me grow up.  He taught me to take responsibility for my actions, even if it was inadvertently.  He made me better.  I could have easily taken the cowardly/easy way out - had an abortion and pretend it had never happened.  But I couldn't do that to someone so innocent just because of my naive actions.

*Actions have consequences*

My pregnancy may have brought some unwanted attention to myself and my family, but here we are 14 years later and thriving.

He's an all star athlete.  He's strategic.  He likes to play chess.  He is a picky-eater, but tends to like foods I'd least expect (spicy tuna rolls, broccoli).  He's competitive.  He's reserved and quiet until you get to know him.  He loves sweet tea and chocolate milk.  He plays Fortnite constantly.  He likes singing and enjoys singing in his school's talent show.  He's taller than me (and never lets me forget).  He's (for the most part) a great big brother.  He still lets me hug him. He picks the most random times to give me hugs and little pecks on the cheek.  He would eat McDonalds and Dominos everyday if he could.  He wants to be a pro soccer player or Youtuber.  Regardless,

Forever my baby he'll be.

xo,
steph

Month Two and Three Done!

Hey everyone!

Wooo I'm so off of my blogging game being I never posted how month two went.

So now it's sharing time:

My Little Big Man went to his very FIRST school dance!  I was being so extra about it and kept taking pictures of him before he left [it's my job to embarrass him].  He was going to ask this girl he has a crush on, but couldn't because she "got back with her boyfriend"...  It's still so weird hearing stuff like that from my 11 year old.

I'm excited to share that my working out is still going strong!  I've been feeling a little better about it since I'm starting to see small changes here and there.  On the downside, I think I've lost a lot of my butt.  So my plan is to shed the weight and then build my butt back up [hopefully bigger haha].  I'm having a hard time flattening the lower part of my tummy since I've had TWO c-sections.  It's another challenge, but I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing.

Meal prepping has been interesting. I didn't realize how much work goes into that.  I make the same thing EVERY week which is new for me because eating the same stuff usually bores me.  I've also been eating smaller portions and less processed foods.  I haven't cut anything out of my diet either.  If I want a donut one day, then I'm going to eat one.  If I want a soda then best believe I'll have a soda.  I just make sure I don't go overboard and I continue to work out.  I drink a fat burner that I LOOOVE and feel actually helps me (if you want to look into it, here's the link https://www.campusprotein.com/products/r1-lean-5?variant=5995743492).  It always has me sweating like a hooker in church.  I also recently started drinking a BCAA supplement while I work out - it tastes great, but I haven't been drinking it long enough to give an honest review. 

Before my Hubby left we decided to watch Game of Thrones "together" since we never got into the series when it first came out.  Well as I got into the 3rd of 4th season, my Firestick wouldn't cooperate and kept trying to play OITNB... No matter what link I clicked on or the fact that I cleared my cache/providers.  So I just stopped watching all together.  I'm just saying...  If only it was on Netflix it would make it so much easier!

My Little Big Man's baseball season is FINALLY over.  His games were for TWO hours long and super slow.  He didn't really enjoy playing in the outfield, but he got to be starting pitcher and second/third baseman.  He didn't like playing as much as his dad was hoping and he kept saying he couldn't wait for soccer season to start, but we're just happy that he even gave it a try.

In shocking news, my Mom was attacked by a dog that they were in the process of getting.  It happened super fast and it was unprovoked.  The owner neglected to share some of the history about the dog with my parents and when my family came over to pick him up (after already meeting him at a different time) he went for my Mom's throat, but LUCKILY my mom moved just enough and he missed.  Sadly, she's still traumatized by it and is still in a lot of pain.  It really sucks being so far away already, but when something as horrible as this happens and you can't hug your loved ones...

If you've been waiting to hear the latest on any recent DRAMA in my life...  My oh my let me spill the tea.  From my past experiences I learned that more isn't always better, so my theory has always been to keep my circle small to avoid any drama.  Well if you know me then you would know that I am a HOME-BODY.  I grew out of that partying/going out phase a loooong time ago and I don't like leaving the house unless I have to [or food is involved haha].  Well for some damn reason, keeping to myself really isn't working out anymore.  It could be that living on a military base has us living in too close of proximity to each other.  Apparently, I don't even have to leave my house - let alone my own driveway - without stirring up some trouble.  First I was indirectly accused of being unfaithful, but NOW I'm being told that 1.) I need to get out of my house more, 2.) how I should spend my time, 3.) who I should spend it with, 4.) my kids shouldn't effect my time or social life, 5.) I'm lucky to be spoken to being I'm a military wife, 6.) but I don't need to leave my house to go to the gym because anyone can stay home and do it [super contradictory but hopefully that made enough sense to you]...  Seriously, I'm not making this shit up.  It was/is INSANE and anyone that I've shared that story with has told me to RUN because that is some obsessive/crazy behavior that I need to steer clear of.  This was some #Swimfan type crazy.  I was more confused that some random person would assume that they're in any position to tell me what to do...

But I'm still doing me boo boo, hermit and all.   

We went to a Mother-Son Halloween Ball about a week before Halloween.  We danced, took pictures, and the food was yummy.  I think I was more excited that I didn't have to cook dinner [haha I know I'm not the only parent who thinks like that].  My Little Big Man dressed as Clark Kent [because I can be super creative] and my Toddler went as last year's costume, Aladdin.  I thought it would be a good idea since there was a costume contest, but after getting there I realized some people go all out for Halloween!  As for trick-or-treating, we walked around our neighborhood with our friends and the kids got a TON of candy!  We didn't realize it until we were halfway through walking around that all three of the kids were superheroes.  We had Wonder Woman, Clark Kent [he decided to not wear his Flash costume like he planned], and Flash.  My boys originally BOTH wanted to be the Flash after we watched the TV show, but my oldest was not feeling his costume.

Anyways, on the depressing side of things, I went a little weird and bought the exact deodorant that my Hubby uses so I could spray it on his pillow.  It backfires though, I sometimes want to break down and cry when I hug his pillow because it makes me miss him a lot more.  I still have my moments where I get stuck in my feelings, but I've gotten better at not breaking down.  I still miss him like crazy, but I just keep thinking about how we're moving forward and before we know it he'll be home!  I'm so grateful we get to video-chat and message each other often.  I think that aids in keeping my sanity.  We've already been discussing things that we want to do when he returns, and I'm also thinking about hosting a homecoming party - obviously not RIGHT when he gets home.

I started making these cheesy, but super cute monthly photos.  I saw a Christmas one on Pinterest that caught my eye and decided to incorporate the idea in our journey of his first deployment.  Every time we reach another month into his deployment I come up with something to coordinate with the number of months we've survived completed.  It gives me something to do and it actually makes time feel like it's moving a lot quicker.  I know the pictures aren't top notch, but I make due.

Since it's taken forever for me to post this, we're already close to our 4-Month mark!

I was a tad bit worried about what our Thanksgiving plans since it's quickly approaching.  My friends next door hadn't said anything and last year we made a trip to my in-law's house to spend it with them, so I wasn't really sure what we were going to do this time.  I may have been slightly panicking since I've never cooked a turkey before and being it's just the three of us, I didn't know if I could find a turkey small enough for three.  But I got super lucky that my Hubby's GySgt's wife reached out to me and invited us over.  It was super sweet of her and I'm glad she did since it was looking like this was going to be our first Thanksgiving of doing nothing, which would have sucked because it happens to be one of my favorite holidays. I‘ve always spent Thanksgiving with family, but this year has been full of new experiences so I’m looking forward to this one.

Again, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone looking out for us.  It still means a lot to me.  This deployment has really been an eye-opener to see who's really there for me and my kids.



xo,
sss

One Month Down!

Hello my fab readers!  I'm starting to think I should have a name for my followers, I never know how to address you.

I'm a couple days late, but we finally reached our one month marker.  Honestly, it felt like this month took F-O-R-E-V-E-R! (in my Squints voice)

This past month:

Our Little Big Man started SIXTH grade!  It's weird saying that I now have a Middle Schooler now.  I didn't even realize it until the summer was almost over, haha.  Not only did he go back to school, but he also started playing baseball; which is another WHOA factor for us because he's always been a soccer star.  Although, I have to admit that he has done extremely well with adapting to playing different sports, like flag football.  I'm so happy that he's been stepping out of his comfort zone and trying different things.  He'll always be my soccer MVP, but he's also our all star.  On a funny note, it was quite interesting going shopping for his uniform/gear he that he needed.  We sounded like two immature little kids just giggling away at the protective cups that they have to wear, lol.

I also started working out again.  I've been having problems with the number I see on the scale.  I miss the "fat" me when I was a tad bit younger compared to how I am now.  [the things we take for granted smh]  It's all still a learning process for me so I've been doing better at not focusing on that number and not weighing myself as often, as well as focusing on increasing my cardio, eating better, and lifting a little heavier.  I was getting so frustrated because I started this journey back in May and my weight would just fluctuate.  I took about a month off when my family was visiting just because I didn't want to waste their vacation time  on me going to/from the gym, and I didn't want to be away from my Husband since he was going to be deploying.  [excuses]  So for the past month I increased my cardio.  I workout 5 days a week and I do cardio every time, but I reserve 2 of those days to strictly focus on it; I used to only do it once a week.  I've also started meal prepping.  I didn't start this until a couple weeks ago.  Seriously - it's pretty convenient.  So far I've lost 2 lbs.  It's not as much as I'd like, but I think my expectations aren't ideal.  It's tough because I'm not always motivated, but I'm trying to stay on it because I have goals in mind I intend to keep.

We survived two appointments since he's been gone, haha.  I don't know think a lot of people would consider that an accomplishment, but I was seriously stressing out about it.  I don't necessarily pamper myself often, so I go and get lash extensions.  [girlfriend, it is not cheap!]  Normally I would go and my Husband would stay home with the kids, BUT because of obvious reasons that couldn't happen.  So I made sure we charged anything and everything, and brought headphones.  They were so well-behaved for that whole hour we were there.  It felt like a weight had been lifted.  I hope it's like that ALL the time [again, not ideal, but a girl can dream uhkay].  Then I had a doctor's appointment and I thought I had no one to watch my Toddler (my Little Big Man was in school).  But then I remembered all of those awesome friends that offered to help if I ever needed it, and went from there.  It's not easy for me to ask anyone for help, so I was a little anxious about asking.  It worked out though we kind of did a kid swap for the day since we both had things to do.  

Cooking has been an interesting adventure, haha.  At first I was still making enough for the four of us.  So let's just say we had plenty of leftovers to finish, lol.  Once I got the swing of it my lazy side kicked in and I didn't feel like cooking.  Now that doesn't mean I just said eff it we're going out to eat everyday, I meant instead I would pick something simple - hot dogs, frozen pizza, chicken patties/nuggets, or mac and cheese.  The meals I normally reserve for my Little Big Man's practice nights when time is of the essence.  Let's be glad I'm still feeding us, lol

I sent my first set of care packages to him.  For some odd reason I felt slightly intimidated shipping them out, but the process was a breeze.  I was surprised that both of my packages arrived in such a short time frame.  Also, FYI USPS offers a kit for this purpose.  You call #1-800-610-8734 and ask for a Military Shipping Kit.  It includes different sizes of flat rate boxes, blank address to/from stickers, packaging tape, and clear receipt sleeves.  Did I mention it's FREE???  Since the largest box in my kit wasn't big enough for the amount of stuff I was shipping, I sent two boxes instead.  I filled one with all his new "necessities" and the other I made special by decorating it for his birthday!  When he got his packages we were video chatting and this fool opened the birthday box FROM THE SIDE...  [there are no words for the look I gave him] haha, but he 'closed' it so he can open it from the top and take in my efforts.  I decorated the inside of the flaps with birthday wrapping paper and then made my own birthday banner, so when he lifted the flaps the banner would spread out.

I've been trying to make it a habit to get out of the house with the kids - other than for groceries, the gym, and/or sports - so we're not cooped up all day.  We go on little frozen yogurt dates and sometimes we actually go out to eat instead of picking something up to just bring home.  Although a lot of times it reminds me that he's not here right now.

I've had plenty of melt downs since he's left and it hasn't been easy.  I haven't "gotten used" to him being away and I will never get used to it.  I've only adapted to him being away.  With him gone I kind of feel like I'm discovering my independence all over again.  Before he came into my life I already did these things by myself.  But once I was let go from my job and we moved across the states I grew to be pretty dependent on him.  This deployment is just a reminder to me that you should never fully rely on someone else.  I don't mean that in a negative way either.  I think a lot of military spouses become used to it or comfortable with this life, and tend to forget that we can do the same things that they do.  We can fix things when they're broken, take the car to get it's oil changed/tires rotated, pay bills, workout, go grab a drink with your friends, use the grill [I haven't conquered that JUST yet, haha], or make your own decisions.  So to whomever needs to hear it, you can be independent and still be a Susie-Homemaker, etc.  

It's been extremely comforting that we can communicate often.  We don't get to video chat often because the quality is usually horrible, so it's usually messages and gifs, haha.  The time difference does throw us off a little bit, but we're managing just fine.  This deployment opened my eyes at how much we take for granted the things that are right there in front of us; and almost always we end up regretting/missing it once it's gone.  I don't want to be one of those people who constantly put things off and then regret it once it's too late.  I feel like this deployment brought us closer and I'm glad that it did.  He left while we were in a happy place and it's stayed that way since he's been away.  I know they say deployments change people, but I didn't know that it happened before they would even leave.  I noticed how his mentality kind of changed and for the better.  He's already such a laid back guy, but I feel like he's grown to be a little more stern.  I was shocked [actually still am] at how he was blown off [more than likely because of lil 'ol me] before he left and how well he handled it.  He wasn't pissed off, but it was more of a realization to him that he wasn't a priority to some people, and he'd rather move on than dwell on it [go best friend! that's my best friend!]  Seriously, he's better than me because I would of been calling people out left and right.

On another note, there are no words to share how thankful I am for the amount of support and advice that has been offered to me and the boys since my Husband has left.  My family makes sure to check up on us to see if everything is going well.  As well as friends doing the same and also offering a hand.  I know it's only been a month, but it's nice to know that they took time out of their busy lives to check on us and were even thinking of us.  These are the people that I'm glad to have in my life.  It's awesome, but at the same time it has also brought to light the ones that haven't reached out.  I know that there are always going to be people out there rolling their eyes because they think I'm being "extra" or "omg he'll be back, it's not like he's gone forever" or "dramatic" or "I wasn't like that when my spouse left"...

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

More power to you boo.  I am naturally a worry-wart and an over-thinker.  My mind is constantly thinking about the next move or the what-ifs so  I can't just blow it off; he's my person and he's so far away, and we're told that anything can happen while they're out there.  So how can you NOT worry!?  So to say I stress out a little would be an understatement.  But now I'm to the point that I have a lot of hair falling out and some other stuff going on, so I'm practicing how to WOOSAAAH.

We got this!



xo,
sss

Goodbyes Suck

Well our newest adventure has begun.

When his departure date seemed to quickly approach it felt like I was falling into a deep endless pit, and as we hurried to make sure we did all the things we wanted to before he left it felt like I was flailing in panic as I fell.

I guess that's the best way for me to describe what it feels like to have my soulmate taken away (for the time being).

It's kind of sad, the kids are still kind of young (more so my Toddler) to understand what exactly is going on.  As we got in the car to drive to his drop off point, my Toddler was laughing and kept saying over and over again how he was going to work with Daddy - as he put on his daddy's cover (hat).  I swear he was just tugging at my heart strings.  My Little Big Man is not one for sharing his emotions, so he's been pretty mum.  He's more the type that you have to ask him how he's doing and he almost always replies with a giggle.

The past week my nerves and emotions were a hot mess, but as the day got closer it was even messier - which was expected.  That had to be the quietest car ride we've ever had.  It was this aching silence.  I didn't want to talk because I knew I'd start crying again.  So I would grip his hand tighter whenever I held back a sob.  As we walked along side him as he dragged his gear, it was nerve racking to approach the parade deck full of families/couples/etc. knowing that they're going through something similar.  Although, I felt like everyone had their shit together meanwhile I'm walking around red-eyed, red nose, my throat was tight, and I was on the verge of tears...  Again.

I don't remember the last time I cried this much.

I know it isn't goodbye, it's see you later - but it still breaks my heart.  I know I'm not the only person to ever go through this, nor the last.  But none of that means you can't feel sad or upset because people have already gone through something similar.  And yes, I mean SIMILAR because not everyone has the same EXACT experience.  So I just want to say for all of you that follow my blog and/or my social media be prepared to read how much I miss him.  Seriously, how often do you have your spouse leave for months or weeks at a time?  That's not something normal in the work place.  So you're damn right I'm going to be in my feelings.  I know I'm not going to die without him, but sometimes it sure does feel that way.  He's my person.  And it's not only the not seeing each other for a long period of time part, but you also have to factor in that anything can happen out there - GOD FORBID!  So it pisses me off and saddens me that there wasn't more effort put in to saying goodbye to him.  But it's like my Husband says "that's on them".  I believe that it takes a strong person to go through what we go through as a military spouse/SO or dependent.  This will be my first to experience a deployment so I can't really say I've been through enough to say I'm strong, but I know that we got this.

The memory I can't get out of my head is the urgency we both felt as the different posts were being called to load up in the buses.  So we hugged for as long as we could while the kids laid at our feet.  Then we cried even more and hugged even tighter - I just didn't want to let go.  It was that "this is it" feeling because that was it, our final goodbyes.  So when it was his turn we let go of each other, and he turned around and waved at us...  And that's when it felt like my heart just shattered to pieces.

I'm already counting down the days for when he comes home to us.



xo,
sss