I'll get straight to the point because I'm driving myself crazy.
Lately, I feel like I've been a tad bit in a rut. I find myself constantly saying "I want..." and so on. I guess the reason I get so frustrated is because I can list all the things I want, but the answer will always be the same - I/we "can't". I know some of the things I want aren't ideal at the moment, nor a necessity, but it still doesn't alleviate the fact that I want it.
I know right now you're probably reading this thinking "damn, she sounds like some spoiled brat", etc. I am right there with you. I hear myself and maybe that aids in my frustration.
I've come back full circle and am back at Square One: I'm not used to being dependent on someone else. When I was still a working mom, whenever I wanted something I didn't need to ask or in some cases BEG and whine like a child [as I bow my head in shame]... I could just buy it.
I want to replace the old/cheap dressers in our master bedroom to complete the room the way I've been wanting to.
I want to upgrade my cellphone and give my Little Big Man my would-be old phone. His current cellphone has something internal that's broken (possibly his antenna) causing his WiFi to not work. It has zero WiFi capabilities which sucks. The main reason we got him a phone was purely for keeping tabs on him, but
I want to upgrade my 9 year old dining room table to something new and maybe bigger.
I want to buy a house, but at the same time I don't want to settle here. California is a tad bit too extra for my taste. The place is gorgeous, but you pretty much have to live and breathe money to live here.
I want to make my own money! [as I pull my hair out and scream]
I want to be able to spontaneously wake up and go to Disneyland because I feel like it.
See what I mean... I sound like some bratty child.
Don't get me wrong, my husband spoils me when he can. I just wish that sometimes ***I*** can do the spoiling. I know we're married so it shouldn't be mine versus his, but we've always had mine versus his versus us. I guess it's taking my mind a while longer to get used to the mentality that it's ours. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I feel like a child buying him a gift with money I've gotten from him.
But I've just been stuck in this rut that I'm unsatisfied with myself and how my life is going. I feel like I could be doing so much more, but I can't pinpoint what that 'so much more' actually is.
In the future I do plan on returning to the working field, but I don't know what I plan on doing. I've attempted to check out different jobs online that are available in hopes of finding one that I can actually do, but nothing that fits my criteria.
I know this entire post is nothing but me whining, but blogging it out is how I get it off my chest and clear my mind. I'm not ungrateful for all the things that I do have. I just have this feeling that I'm stuck in a box full of restrictions. In the meantime, I'm still trying to learn to enjoy the little things. If I'm lucky, maybe I can get some awesome suggestions from any of you lovely readers.
Positive vibes,
xo,
sss
