Well our newest adventure has begun.
When his departure date seemed to quickly approach it felt like I was falling into a deep endless pit, and as we hurried to make sure we did all the things we wanted to before he left it felt like I was flailing in panic as I fell.
I guess that's the best way for me to describe what it feels like to have my soulmate taken away (for the time being).
It's kind of sad, the kids are still kind of young (more so my Toddler) to understand what exactly is going on. As we got in the car to drive to his drop off point, my Toddler was laughing and kept saying over and over again how he was going to work with Daddy - as he put on his daddy's cover (hat). I swear he was just tugging at my heart strings. My Little Big Man is not one for sharing his emotions, so he's been pretty mum. He's more the type that you have to ask him how he's doing and he almost always replies with a giggle.
The past week my nerves and emotions were a hot mess, but as the day got closer it was even messier - which was expected. That had to be the quietest car ride we've ever had. It was this aching silence. I didn't want to talk because I knew I'd start crying again. So I would grip his hand tighter whenever I held back a sob. As we walked along side him as he dragged his gear, it was nerve racking to approach the parade deck full of families/couples/etc. knowing that they're going through something similar. Although, I felt like everyone had their shit together meanwhile I'm walking around red-eyed, red nose, my throat was tight, and I was on the verge of tears... Again.
I don't remember the last time I cried this much.
I know it isn't goodbye, it's see you later - but it still breaks my heart. I know I'm not the only person to ever go through this, nor the last. But none of that means you can't feel sad or upset because people have already gone through something similar. And yes, I mean SIMILAR because not everyone has the same EXACT experience. So I just want to say for all of you that follow my blog and/or my social media be prepared to read how much I miss him. Seriously, how often do you have your spouse leave for months or weeks at a time? That's not something normal in the work place. So you're damn right I'm going to be in my feelings. I know I'm not going to die without him, but sometimes it sure does feel that way. He's my person. And it's not only the not seeing each other for a long period of time part, but you also have to factor in that anything can happen out there - GOD FORBID! So it pisses me off and saddens me that there wasn't more effort put in to saying goodbye to him. But it's like my Husband says "that's on them". I believe that it takes a strong person to go through what we go through as a military spouse/SO or dependent. This will be my first to experience a deployment so I can't really say I've been through enough to say I'm strong, but I know that we got this.
The memory I can't get out of my head is the urgency we both felt as the different posts were being called to load up in the buses. So we hugged for as long as we could while the kids laid at our feet. Then we cried even more and hugged even tighter - I just didn't want to let go. It was that "this is it" feeling because that was it, our final goodbyes. So when it was his turn we let go of each other, and he turned around and waved at us... And that's when it felt like my heart just shattered to pieces.
I'm already counting down the days for when he comes home to us.
xo,
sss
