Failing.
Not something anyone enjoys or likes to admit to.
When you’re a parent you feel that when your kids fail, you fail. Why? Because you feel that as a parent it’s your job to teach them. You help mold them into who they will be.
So when you’re someone’s significant other and you feel like you’re failing, who do you blame?
There are times where I feel like I’m not enough (here we go again… I sound like a broken record). When we actually do go out, kid(s) in tow or not, and we’re having a good time with all his friends who don’t have kid(s) yet or left them with a sitter, I see his smile, but with his eyes (hopefully I didn’t lose you there). It’s the kind of happy or excitement that shines through – just not in smile form. To me, it’s a more sincere form of “happy” I guess. Well when I see that I can’t help but smile. It’s contagious.
-BUT-
Yes… I’m a Debbie Downer.
But when I see that joy in his eyes, I know in a matter of seconds it’ll disappear. Why? Well because the realization sits in that we can’t always partake in whatever activity it is we’re invited to. We can go out to dinner, but we can’t go to the bar next door because we brought the kid(s). We can’t party all night and crash at our friend’s house because we have the responsibility as Parents to make sure we can safely drive home & be able to wake up if the newbie wakes up. So that contagious joy evaporates ever so quickly.
That’s when it hits me.
“Does he regret anything? Did he wish we would have waited? Was he ready for all of this? What if one day he wakes up and decides this isn’t what he wanted?”
As for me, I’ve been doing this for 8 years already. I know I couldn’t always go out and party or do whatever the hell it is you’re “supposed” to do when you’re finally old enough to do shit. I had to grow up really fast at a young age. Did it suck? Yes at times it did. I was always stoked for my 18th birthday because that meant I could hit up the clubs like my older siblings did. Well guess what? That excitement perished because when I finally turned 18, I already had my precious 1 year old. But he changed me for the better – I was such a little c*nt.
There are plenty of things that run through my mind (as seen above). A lot of times, I feel like I’m holding him back. When he shares stories about what he used to do back home or what he did when he was with his friends, in a way I feel like it’s what he still wants. It would make sense, we’re both still young – he’s 23 and I’m 25. Yes I can see the excitement in his eyes, but I can always see the longing.
Maybe I’m seeing things.
He had different plans in mind when he joined the USMC and I walked in and f*cked shit up. Am I standing in the way? I don’t want it to get to the point that he starts to resent me for some of the choices he has/had to make.
You can save the reassurances. I’m just clearing some space in my head for future blogging material :p So I think that’s enough sharing for the day, or until the next time I post lol
xo,
sss
I don't know you. At all. I think my husband and I moved before you and your hubby were apart of who we knew and ran around with as our "gang" at Cherry Point (the sSheridans, the Marcums, the Brights... etc) But I just wanted to throw it out there that I really love how honest you are. My husband and I had only been dating like a month before we found out we were having our lil dude and were married 3 months later. I went through that whole period of everything you just described. And it effing sucks. SO bad. I feel you. But I know it gets better. The more you two get to know each other, the less you will question things. You're gonna fight. You're gonna come back to this time and time again with each fight. But those questions will only last a fleeting second. I know you said to save the reassurances. But I felt compelled to tell you that even though I don't know you personally, I know you're pretty freaking awesome and I appreciate how real and honest you are. Keep truckin girl.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I figured if I always keep it 100, then my readers would do the same & hopefully appreciate my bluntness. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I was beginning to think I was going crazy lol but again, thank you :) the comments let me know I'm not talking to myself :)
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with the commenter above. We all did things when we were young, and we all wish to some extent we could some of them. But when you sit back and look at what a beautiful son, inside and out, that came from all of that, you have believe it was meant to be. And when you look at the path you chose, rather than give up ir drop out, you have to be proud of yourself. I know your family is proud. And she's right, those party times are nothing compared to the enjoyment of family times.
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