Spilling Some Tea

Hi everyone!

As usual, I've been away.

I've debated for a while about posting this, but what better way to make a come back than by spilling some tea...

When someone decides to taint or question my character and paint me in a negative light, I feel I have every right to defend myself; whether I share it on MY Facebook [YES I'm allowed to post on there what I WANT], read texts out loud to my husband, or even call my mom to get my side of the story in first...  Regardless, it's being shared using different outlets and mine just happens to be writing.

In recent events, I've learned that I'm allegedly some negative/no sense of a budget/unhappy/family-wrecker who should be expected to always make a lot of sacrifices.  HA! HA! HA!

Let me share a little insight, as far as MY family and very close friends know - I DO NOT APOLOGIZE.  It rarely never happens.  I have always been that way; even my husband is well aware that I don't do it.  It's one of my bad traits which I have no problem owning up to.  So if I apologize to you for some reason, then good for you.  I didn't think that I needed to pour my heart and soul out, as well as beg for mercy, or text some long ass apology when I didn't do anything wrong - I simply stepped down from being a bridesmaid.

Although I don't owe anyone an explanation, I'll lay it out for you.

First:  My husband and I disagree, which is normal among couples.  However, since we've been here in CA... Our disagreements have increased and they happen often when we've been around his family.  I love my husband, but he tends to forget he has a voice, balls, or other plans; which ends up irritating me immensely.  And I've heard it enough "when are you not irritated?" - well maybe you'd see a different side of me if you didn't constantly do shit to irritate me.

Second:  It just so happens I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my SIL's formal wedding that happens to be in the summer.  I made a hasty decision to visit home in NC for the summer because of the excessive arguing.  Since my Little Big Man is in school, the earliest time frame for us to go would be in the summer.  I thought I was being PROACTIVE by notifying my SIL in advance so my spot could be filled - 8 months in advance.  I EXPLAINED it was because I was going home for the summer.  From my point of view, I did provide an EXPLANATION [Apparently, I was supposed to give a more thorough explanation even though it was NO ONE'S BUSINESS].  (insert eye roll here)  Since MY explanation wasn't good enough, it was passed on to my husband for further review and to pry a more detailed explanation out of him.  He briefly explained that I was stressed, homesick, and we weren't getting along.  I later discovered that that explanation STILL wasn't good enough...!

Third:  Apparently my decisions had truly "upset" my SIL, but of course I didn't know that because NO ONE shared that with me.  Instead, a text from me asking what to get their kids for Christmas prompted unnecessary/disrespectful text messages that were undeserved on my part.  But I'm so evil and cruel that I took the time to ask what their kids wanted for Christmas... Hmm...

I guess part of growing up and being mature has taught me that there is a time and place for everything.  I've been proud of myself for the amount of restraint I've had to use to bite my tongue, on MULTIPLE occasions:

- I've been bitched at via text message for not answering FaceTime calls because setting up, cooking, and hosting my toddler's FIRST birthday was my PRIORITY [I never got the memo that other people's agendas were more important than my child's].  I could have sworn my husband owned a phone, but I guess since it's not FaceTime, regular phone calls wouldn't suffice.  So let's not play coy and use some bullshit excuse that it was all in good fun.

- Being on the receiving end of some major attitude just because we weren't so damn eager to delay our plans to babysit due to someone else's poor planning; we had already made plans to celebrate Mother's Day a day early.

- My child being kicked out of the bathroom just to take a quick piss (even though he was already in the bathroom) because someone else's child's schedule overrides everything and a bath had to be taken RIGHT that second.

- My child having a toy taken away because it was declared "unfair" that he got both - mind you, they were 2 OLD action figures that belonged to his Dad and he didn't have any toys to play with.  So even though we just attended a birthday party, that was full of plenty of birthday gifts consisting of toys, 1-of-the-2 still had to be given away to make everyone happy.

- When we go out to dinner for celebrations, like my husband's birthday, he doesn't even have a say.

- Only being contacted when a babysitter was needed.

- Purposely having my son sit at the opposite end of the table AWAY from us because he had my iPad, which I purposely charged for this dinner for MY kids, all because someone else was unprepared.  Again with the bullshit excuses.

- Last, but not least, having some spoiled/entitled/clueless brat have the nerve to tell me that I should have known better, being I'm from a military family and then marrying someone in the military, meant that I have to make sacrifices.  *FYI, being a military dependent as a child and being a military spouse are two totally different things.

Sacrifices...  For someone who thinks they know so much about me, that word shouldn't have even been thrown in my face.  Especially coming from someone who has no knowledge or experience of the military lifestyle.  I've made a lot of sacrifices and if you ever talked to my husband, other than when you need something, then you would know.  I left my family and friends, I'm missing/have missed holidays and birthdays, my Mom has been having health issues, but I'm clear across this country instead, I'll miss my niece being born who's my brother's/sister-in-law's first child, and I can't even put my business certificate to use because I have my child who I take care of everyday.  Not only have I made sacrifices, but even my son has had to.  He had to leave his friends behind and his soccer league - sure that sounds minuscule as an adult, but if you ever experienced the military life then you'd be more understanding [been there, done that].  Let's dig a little deeper since everyone knows everything about our life/marriage.  What sacrifices has my husband made?  His marital status?  His money?  Since some people like to insert themselves in business that isn't theirs, let me clue you in - he hasn't made many to the extent that I have.  Since someone has stupidly stated in the past "it's only fair we move to CA since we got to live near my family for the past 3-4 years" PLEASE enlighten me on how that was "unfair"...  My family and I resided there waaay before the USMC was even in his sights.  Was I supposed to demand my family move out of state?

Let's talk being "selfish".  You know what's SELFISH?  It's doing whatever you want regardless of who it'll effect because it's something you want; say selecting CA on a dream sheet without consulting your spouse about it.  Does that "fair" logic still apply? [the right answer is No].

I even got some financial advice from the last person to be giving some out.  All because I've posted Snaps of makeup I've bought or I wore a new shirt.  I use money that I made from my leftover MK inventory and money I SAVED.  So no worries, I don't take money from my husband, nor do we share an account for me to even do so.  Even though I DAMN sure don't have to explain my financial situation, I'll put it out there.  I don't have to buy things and try to hide the fact that I did.

I'm a family-wrecker because...  I accepted the idea of celebrating OUR OWN Christmas for once.  LOL!  My husband randomly came up with the idea because in the whole 3 years we've been married we've never celebrated Christmas by ourselves as a family.  I was down with his plan, but somehow that meant it was all my fault.  Apparently, I have my husband under some mind control and he can't make his own decisions [that's sarcasm people] - even though he does on a daily basis.  I could have sworn he's a grown ass man.  But since I'm "so unhappy that I can't be around my family, I make sure my husband can't either"...  Seriously people, I'm not even joking - this is what I've been accused of.  Even though we haven't missed any family get togethers and even drove 3.5 hours to be in town for a kid's birthday party...  I thought it was a tad extreme, but we still decided to go.

I'm negative because...  I give off that vibe...?  Honestly, I laughed when I heard that bullshit accusation.  I guess since the holiday plans were cleared up that it wasn't MY fault, you'd have to pull some excuse out of your ass.  When I don't agree with some things, I guess I give off some negative vibe LOL For example, I don't like when my husband wants to go to the casino.  Whenever we're in SB, the casino is ALWAYS brought up - either to poke fun at me because I don't like it or because they legit want to go.  Well because he is MY HUSBAND, I have every RIGHT to voice that I DO NOT want him to go.  If he can tell me/his family that we can't go out to dinner one night like a night when I don't feel like cooking because we don't need to spend money, then we damn sure don't have money to risk gambling away at some damn casino.

All of this extra shit stemmed from someone not getting their way.

I don't care if someone's "hormonal" or "frustrated", that doesn't give anyone the right to be ugly to other people.  I didn't deserve to be disrespected the way I was and I have no problem cutting people off that think it's okay.

I'm not down with the manipulation shit or second place.  I married MY HUSBAND, not anyone else.  Since he has his own little family, others' opinions do not rate what MY overall opinion is, regardless of who you are.  It comes down to him, myself, and our kids.  I will not come second and our family will not come in second.

*I'm well aware of how petty and drama-filled this is, but I'm clearing the air.  People can have their own opinions of me, but since this is "family" and everyone's only heard one side, I thought it was about time to share mine.



xo,
sss

DIY: Gnat Trap

Hi everyone!

I think it's safe to say it's about time for a new post.  But lets not ignore how totally random my post is...  No worries my dears - it's short & sweet.

So for some reason, we keep getting these damn little gnats in our house.  A lot of them decided to crash our house when we had ZERO fruit in our fruit bowl.

Do you know how annoying it is to try and eat or hold a conversation while clapping your heads everywhere like a psychotic seal..?  It's pretty damn annoying.

Well lucky for you I've put together my mash up of other tips/tricks that I found via Pinterest.

DIY Gnat Trap

Things You Need:

-  Mason jar

-  Apple Cider Vinegar

-  1 piece of Paper (preferably yellow because the gnats are attracted to it, but white is fine & using card stock is a plus!)

-  Small piece of a banana peel (any rotting fruit is fine)

Step 1:

Place the piece of small rotting fruit in the empty mason jar.

Step 2:

Pour enough apple cider vinegar into the jar to cover the small piece of rotting fruit.  Don't panic if the piece of rotting fruit decides it wants to float.

Step 3:

Roll the piece of paper into a cone shape and make sure the one end with hole is small, but not super small.

Step 4:

Place the cone shaped paper into the mason jar.  Make sure the paper doesn't touch the apple cider vinegar because you'll render it useless.

ALL DONE!

Now you can place it in the ever so popular area of your home that the gnats like to fly around.

Then it's totally up to you to leave it alone or you can sit there and watch how crazy the gnats fly around when they get caught up in the trap... [I won't judge because I may or may not do it too]

I will warn you: if you place it in an area with high traffic, you WILL smell the apple cider vinegar.  I don't think it smells strong enough to be that big of a nuisance.

Good luck!



xo,
sss

Adulting

Good morning everybody!

[holy shit]  I know, I know...  Someone's been totally slacking neglecting her blogging duties.  The feeling is mutual, I missed you too.  I feel like since I haven't been posting with my constant bitching about world peace that I've lost major points to my sanity.

So after two failed attempts in the past four months, I'm back.

We experienced our first summer away from my family.  It was definitely odd not being a part of the chaotic planning period for the annual family trip.  I TRIED to find ways to entertain the kids so the entirety of the summer wasn't extremely boring.  We made a trip to the aquarium.  I knew that would be a hit for my Toddler because he goes nuts seeing all the different sea creatures [seriously, the kid should be in a commercial with his constant Ooo'ing and ahh'ing he does seeing the fishies].  We hit up the beach - which, may I remind you is less than FIVE MINUTES from our house.  As for my Little Big Man, he had already been because of a field trip, but I think he still enjoyed himself [I never know with that one].  The summer came to an end rather quickly because since Monday my Little Big Man has been back at it again with his education.

In case no one ever told you - there's a downside to everything.

I love the fact that I am FORTUNATE enough to be a stay-at-home mom.  While raising my Little Big Man, I didn't have that opportunity.  I had to work to stay afloat.  So obviously, with me working he had to partake in going to daycare.  *I see no problem with putting your children in daycare (because you work, not because you don't feel like dealing with them).*  I love working moms and stay-at-home moms because I totally understand both struggles - I've lived/live it.  If you think being a stay-at-home mom ---okay stay with me, but lets use "SAHM" because I'm tired of typing that shit out---  is all shits & giggles, wrong.  There's a lot of shit and plenty of giggles, but there's also sprinkle a lot of stress.  I can't remember which "job" made me more tired.  I'm not the type to sit on my finger and rotate all day.  I have "To Do" lists I keep in my phone and alarms set so I stick to a schedule.  I'm either cleaning, feeding, planning, cleaning, grocery shopping, cleaning, folding laundry, entertaining, and/or doing homework.

Speaking of homework...  I forgot how much of a pain in the ass school is.  It takes me HOURS to complete a lesson or two.  I do have the option of just reading everything, taking my quizzes, and BOOM all done.  But I like to take notes.  Roll your eyes all you want, but those bad boys come in handy when time comes to take my final exam.  My estimated completion date is December, but if I stay on track I'll be done my mid-October.  I just have to stay. on. track.

Next order of business:  my husband wants to buy a house.

Yup, you read that correctly.

Did I ever mention how I didn't even want to come to CA in the first place?  But as the story goes, I go wherever he goes.  Apparently, I signed my life away the moment I said "I do" [I'd like to see proof].

Well I made the comment that since I love the weather here I'd be down to buy a house IF it had an in-ground pool and of course other house-type stuff I look for in a home.  So we took a quick gander and I found a beautiful house (it is NOT cheap to live in CA - another good reason NOT to live here).  So per the usual, I got excited even though I knew better.  Later on, my Husband found out that you have to put at least 20% down.  ACA-CUSE ME?!  If that were the case, it would take us a good while to afford a house being we live off of one income.  So then I start questioning how is so&so able to afford this and that, and we can't?  Especially when some people claim to always be on some budget, but you see them drop money often.  It was a rhetorical question.  I have a horrible habit of comparing myself or certain situations to other people.  We are sometimes frugal [that counts] and very debt conscious.  By comparing our situation to other people made me even more frustrated.

He proceeds to explain we can get one when I find a job [here we go AGAIN. If I had a damn dollar for every time he said that, we'd have our down payment and whatever else we wanted].  So my excitement high quickly diminished.  You know what instantly flashed in my mind?  The time we were looking into buying a bigger vehicle; he did the same shit.  Anyways, later on a light bulb turned on and then along came a solution - Mr. VA Loan.  So lets turn that excitement back up!  Wrong.

There's too many variables at play before we can even think about looking at potential houses.

Excuses:

• We need to wait until I finish school so I'll have my certificate to use to find a job.  
• We have to save up.
• We have to look into what we can afford.
• We have to look into the neighborhoods.  
• We have to check what type of schools are near us.  
• We have to figure out what my Husband wants to do with his life.  

Skkkrrrr!  Hold up.  Yup.  My Husband is pretty ambitious, yet very indecisive.  Which brings me to my dilemma.  When did I agree that my life is solely based on what HE wants?  I mean, sure he is the money-maker at the moment.  But I didn't get forced to move here just so he can fulfill all his lifelong dreams.  I never agreed to any of that.  So my argument is why do we have to follow along with his life plan.  Then he asked me what are my plans.

         

I realized that in the midst of all this, I don't have ambition.  I don't have goals.  I feel like I've lost a sense of myself.  My focus lately has been being a mom.  I don't even know where to start or even what I want to do with myself.  The goals I had weren't specifically categorized, but I guess they were pretty generic:

1.  To complete my course and graduate with a certificate in Business Administration – (in 8 months)

2.  Own a house – (in 15-20 years)

3.  Save up for a vacation/honeymoon – (in 1-2 years)

4.  To work again – (in 3 years)

I think they're realistic.  Growing up I never had some dream job I envisioned myself having.  When I was younger, any time someone asked me what I wanted to be I'd tell them a model.  I'm like a walking freckled chode with small boobs and stretch marks galore.  I'm not psychic, but I'm pretty sure modeling isn't in my future.  By high school I decided I wanted to go into the cosmetology field.  Then the more I thought about it, I changed my mind.  I didn't want someone to rely on me to make them look a certain way; What if I cut his/her hair wrong? Or what if she hates the way I applied her makeup?  It seemed like too much pressure [pretty silly, right?].

So since my Husband asked me what goals I had set for myself, I've been stuck asking myself the same question.  I don't know how I'm supposed to set goals for myself when my life now is based on whatever he wants/has to do.  What happened to good 'ole compromise and sacrifices?  I don't see how I can make plans for myself when in 2-3 years we may have to pickup and leave again.

Maybe I should change my tag line to "a day in the life of a military wife" - who doesn't like a good rhyme??

On a positive note, I am now taking suggestions for realistic goals :)

xo,
sss          

SAHM Update

So I'm 7 months deep into my Stay At Home Mom status.

There are days where I ache for some social interaction with adults - any banter that doesn't involve a cryptic to understand some of the toddler babble.

There are days where I'm relieved I don't have to get all dressed up and rush off to a day filled with awkward/unwanted conversations and forced smiles to pass the day.  I can "relax" [I use that term losely] and hang out with my mini me.  I can throw dinner in the crockpot first thing in the morning, meanwhile clean the house, maybe read a few books [Pete the Cat is where it's at people!], clean up toys about 5x before noon, and run some errands before it's someone's nap time [okay, my nap time].  Honestly, there are some days I can't wait for that time of the day.  For those of you who aren't familiar - yet, it's similar to when you're working out and you can't wait to finish your set.  So you start breaking down your reps or time into smaller increments to make yourself feel [at least mentally] that you're almost done.

Regardless, I am so grateful that I'm lucky enough to stay home and raise/teach my Toddler.  I wish I could have done the same with my Little Big Man.

However, I've gradually fell into line with all the other yoga pant loving, jogging stroller pushing Moms.  

*On another note - the attire around here seems to be fitness clothing galore.  I ventured out to San Diego one day and almost every chick I saw, young/old/skinny/thick/chunky/lumpy/pretty/ugly/#YouNameIt, was rocking some Lululemon leggings paired with a Nike pullover and Nike shoes.  I sometimes feel like I'm overdressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. It's almost like someone up above is trying to drop me a big fat hint by rubbing fitness all up in my face.

If you didn't know - I'm currently enrolled in school :) - now you know.  I'm taking online classes to graduate with a certificate in Business Administration.  Might I add -- It sure is time consuming!  Each lesson presentation and quiz/test that follows takes approximately 2 HOURS!  [key word, approximately.  You try tucking in a toddler SEVERAL times and try to do your school work... In a two story house]  I also have to complete the reading assignments, respond to discussion questions, and complete an assignment to submit to my instructor at the end of every module I complete...  Whew...  I'm still working on finding my balance and managing my time a little better.  -->Insert your helpful advice here<--

 I'm still friendless [boo hoo meh].  My neighbors (to the right) seem really nice.  We've only exchanged some friendly banter in passing and she brought over deviled eggs on Easter [ERMAHGURD I love deviled eggs!]  So in return I baked some cookie brownies and brought some over as a thank you.  Other than that I'm usually cooped up inside binge watching Netflix, cleaning, cooking, or entertaining my very active toddler {formally known as my Newbie}.  I'm open to meeting new people and I know I have quite some time to do so.  I just miss being able to have lunch or grab some coffee with my Dad/Sis or my girl friends.

I'm not sure if I ever shared this, but when we were still in NC we made dinner time an "electronics-free" time - no phones or anything else at the table.  I value family time a lot and can't stand when everyone [including myself] has their face buried in their phone.  So for the past two months or so we've made Fridays our "Family Movie Night" with the same rules applied.  We watch a kid friendly movie and leave the electronics in the other room.  I'm actually surprised that my Little Big Man really enjoys it since it's ALWAYS a kid movie he's "already seen" and I can't help but notice my husband gets a little excited when we finally make it to Friday [other than the fact the work week is over].

I had some different, hopeful expectations about this place, but I'm adapting like I always do.  My goal is to make the best out of this duty station.

Until next time --



xo,
sss

California Living

Hellooo from the other side...

So we made it to CA.  We've been here for a about two months and I'm still not feeling it here.  I don't understand what all the fuss is about this place.  The only thing I've observed is there is a huge variety of places to eat at.  Yet we've ate a lot of In N Out Burger, The Habit, and Chilis...  It still takes the same amount of time to get to places to shop or eat.  The traffic here is ridiculous.  The people here always seem to be in a rush and are extremely impatient [Kim you'd fit in lol].  I haven't come across too many rude people - though I was tempted to bump a few ladies with my shopping cart the other night [apparently some people here don't know the words "EXCUSE ME"] for acting cunty.

I've had my moments where I'm homesick.  My brother and his wife sent the sweetest gift a couple weeks ago.  The day I received it was truly perfect timing; I was feeling down and they sent me some little things to remind me of home.  It was very thoughtful and I love it.  The letter from my brother, of course, made me cry like a bishhh. 

The school here has totally thrown me for a loop!  My Little Big Man gets a half day EVERY week [where was this shit when I was still in school?!]...  Instead of being out of school for President's Day, he had ALL WEEK OFF because it was "President's Week"...  So he loves that aspect.  He's made friends quickly which I wasn't too worried about anyways.  I was concerned his schooling from NC would be behind CA, but so far so good!

My sister-in-law suggested I take advantage of the long, but short [it makes sense to me] walk to the school since I'm trying to hop back on the "I Need to Work Out" bandwagon again.  That lasted... 1 week... [I blame the weather!]  There was a week of bipolar weather [I almost felt like I was back home] so I didn't want to be pushing a stroller and walking against the crazy ass wind.  This week I was preparing to start up again aaand it rained.  Excuses.  I'm hoping I get all motivated again because my double butt is peepin. 

That's my problem - one of them.

I have zero motivation.  I'm so blah.  I don't know; maybe some of you can relate...  Have you ever felt like you're not living to the fullest?  That's exactly how I've been feeling.  I feel like I haven't been living to my full potential.  I've taken a very tiny, itty bitty, baby step and have been looking into schools. I figure it'll keep me busy and I've put it off long enough. 

I just feel lost. I used to be so independent and now I'm a mess. 

I feel frustrated, and resentful. I'm mad that I'm here, in this foreign [at least to me] place. I resent my husband for trying so hard to get us here.  I'm disappointed that he isn't there for me emotionally.  I just have this feeling, deep in my gut, that I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life and I never agreed to that.  I'm frustrated that almost always, everything in MY life has to change.  When we were expecting our Newbie, I often went to appointments by myself.  When I was still a working Mom I was in charge of making appointments, taking the kids to their doctor/dentist appointments, taking time off when any of the kids were sick, and even times when I stayed home sick our Newbie coincidentally stayed home too.  I don't know why, but I guess I had higher expectations.

I'm not happy anymore.

I'm not happy with myself, or anything for that matter - & haven't been for a while now.  I need to be a better version of myself.  One that is less stressed.  One that has more patience.  One that doesn't get mad so easily when people copy my ideas or share their opinions when they weren't asked.  One that is more laid back.  One that is comfortable in my own skin.  One that my kids can be proud of.  One that is more relaxed [I guess that falls under laid back - whatevs].  One that laughs more and smiles often.  One that doesn't waste my time and energy on irrelevant people.  One that manages time better.

I just need to make it up this big hump of negativity and then I'll be on my way.

Until next time, I hope everyone has a happy Tuesday!

xo,
sss

The End of My Era

Hello my lovely readers.

I swear, I have the best thought process when I'm in the shower. All the things I want to share are forgotten the moment I grab my towel [so frustrating].

So anyways, we celebrated our last New Year's in NC. My Mom's tradition has always been that you bring in the new year with the people you expect/want to spend the year with. I've grown up with that tradition and I have kids - No, I'm not saying that being a parent means you don't get to have fun, but it has swayed ME to want to stay home to celebrate. I'm not a huge drinker [but I do enjoy my wine] and I'm too lazy to get all dressed up and go out. I am a home body. Do I have any New Year resolutions? F*ck no. Why? Because I'm realistic; I know myself well enough to know that I won't stick to it. It could be because I never pick a realistic resolution; mine should be: To not hold my pee. I do it all the time for some reason. I used to be all up in that trend of #NewYearNewMe. Now I just laugh because it's silly; all of that hopefulness goes out of the window within the first week of two [don't even lie] - at least for me.

This Saturday we celebrated my Little Big Man's 10th birthday party here one last time in NC. We partied it up - or watched a movie [same thing for me lol] at the movie theater. By the way, the movie The Good Dinosaur, is a super cute movie with quite a few tear jerkers thrown in the mix. I think it's buy-worthy, but I may have an obsession with purchasing DVDs galore...  The celebration came a little earlier than his actual birthday, but it gave us all an opportunity to say our goodbye's to more friends and family.  

I've done so well with my emotions lately - at least the sad part. Any time I've caught my self thinking in that direction I'd quickly think of something else to get my mind off of it. Any time someone brought up how our departure date was quickly approaching I'd change the subject... Or tell them to shut up. 

But before I start rambling on about how much I hate that we have to go or how much I'm going to miss my family - keep the salty ass comments about "it's part of the military life so get used to it" to yourself. This is my FIRST move as a SPOUSE. This is MY experience. I know my husband JOB is he's a Marine, but I didn't marry him nor fall in love with him because of his job title. So if you can contain your eye rolling to a minimum and continue without being a dick... Read on.

This is the hard part.

Ed Sheeran - Photograph (Official Music Video)

On Saturday my first hard goodbye I came across was my older brother. I don't see him often as is. He and his wife bought a house (that I never had a chance to see) plus got somewhat of an upgrade in the job department ($$$) that it ended up moving them a little ways away from all of us. So when he came in for a hug, I lost it. I tried to hold in my sobs, but out came the ugly cry. The car ride home was somewhat quiet. I don't know if my Husband was trying to distract me by continuously talking, but I kept getting all teary eyed. 

I guess realization is beginning to settle in or it's now smacking me in the face that this is only going to get harder.

Next up was one of my older sisters and my nephews. I assumed they were leaving the following day, but they had to go back home too. We were all pretty stoked when her husband got orders near here because that meant we could see them a lot more. All of the boys happen to be around the same age so you could only imagine the chaos when all of them are together. 

*I had this crazy idea that I could say bye to ALL of them at ONE time. I totally forgot that everyone has their own life (school, work, etc) so I threw myself off being I don't have either one. I spent my Saturday on the emotional roller coaster. By the way, I dislike roller coasters.

As Tuesday got closer I felt more and more nervous. I couldn't believe this was really about to happen.

On Monday my Mom made one of my favorite foods - Tinola. I made sure to stuff my face because I have no idea how to make it & no one makes Filipino food like my Mama. 

Downfall is I had to say bye to my little brother. Every time I've tried to not cry, I did. He really wants to come out to CA so I'm hoping we'll see him soon enough. 

Next was my other older sister and my nephew. I think we make each other ugly cry any time shit gets sad. I don't know what my Little Big Man and nephew are going to do without each other; they've grown up together. Last night my nephew was tugging on my heart strings. He started to sob when he hugged his cousin goodbye. It was depressing....

I tossed and turned all night. The bed we've been sleeping on isn't really that comfortable, but last night was worse. 

This morning I felt awkward like we all had our hands stuffed in our pockets avoiding the obvious that it would be time to go in just a few minutes. I wasn't going to be the one to say "already you guys, let's start loading up into the car" so I kind of hung out as much as I could. I got teary eyed a few times watching my parents play around with the kids.

Then came time for my hardest goodbye, my Parents. I didn't want to let go. My Parents have helped me out more than the fingers on both of my hands. I don't even want to picture the holidays. I like to think of my Parents as home base of operations; we all come together at their house. So I can't wait until I come back [here's my tiny attempt at being optimistic]. 

I've said it plenty and I'll say it some more, this is a big deal for my family and I; we are as close as close can be. 

I love you all, this is only "see you later" - not goodbye.  

xo,

steph