Carolina Meets Cali: To My Little Big Man

J,

So I'm sitting here 10 minutes to midnight, watching the minutes change. It's like POOF! you're officially 11 years old. If I could stop time, I would in an instant. If I could keep you and your brother in a bubble to protect you from everything bad, I would. You have grown into this amazing little boy, whom pretty soon I won't even be able to call you that anymore. As I sit here by myself and reminisce I just can't believe it.

After I had you, there were plenty of times where I sat to myself and just thought "why me". I was sixteen for heaven's sake! But out of all the people in the world, you picked me. I was young and dumb. I thought I knew everything and could do anything. I would sometimes think, that there are so many people in the world who would love to have the privilege I had to be able to have a baby, that were more age appropriate, responsible, and had a plan. But you picked me.

At first, at the ripe age of sixteen, I thought I was being punished. I felt like it was God's way of teaching me a lesson and throwing it in my face at how wrong I could be.

But I was wrong.

You weren't a punishment or a lesson - you were/are a blessing. You changed my life for the better. I owned up to the consequence of my actions, no questions asked; there wasn't any other option, but to go through with having you.

January 11th, 2006 was the day my life changed.

There are plenty things I regret in my life, but you are not one of them. I'm sorry for all the times I dragged you back and forth, moving all the time. You were/still are a child and you needed stability/routine, and I didn't provide it to you like I should have. I'm sorry for some of the things you've had to witness at a young age, and the predicaments you were put in. Those are just a few of the things I wish I could take back.

You and I have been through a lot together and you've always handled it like a champ, never really complaining like you probably wanted to. And I know that you were so used to being my baby - my only baby. So having a little brother was definitely a game changer and a big adjustment, but per the usual you took in stride. There are a lot of days, that I wish I had more patience and the motivation to be the Mom you and your brother deserve; which is something I'm working on a lot more. I know I'm probably not a lot of fun to be around most days, but I just want you to know that I'm trying.

My words are kind of all over the place, but I just wanted to emphasize how proud I am of you; I don't think I say it enough. And even though there are plenty of days where you make me want to pull my hair out, you're still one of my favorite people. You are so smart, handsome, goofy, and compassionate - and so much more.

I love you to infinite and beyond, Happy Birthday!

“I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.”