I have a little over five weeks before my life changes for a while. To say that I am 'nervous' would be an understatement.
I am terrified, sad, scared, etc. [you catch my drift]
I know this was bound to happen, but that was never going to change my feelings about it; it still sucks and I still wish he doesn't have to go.
It's all I think about. I could be spending my time concerned that some of my family are upset with me and have unfriended me, but that isn't a priority [you all know how big I am on priorities]. Apparently, I'm only "allowed" to rant about things non-family related, otherwise I'm not allowed to have an opinion [insert eye roll]. So if you're one of those people who read my blog strictly to run back to my family and bitch about me and/or roll your eyes at my commentary, go ahead and click the 'X' in the top right corner - your count on my Page Views isn't needed.
*For future reference to anyone associated with me and not saying this was the intention recently, but un-following me on any social media platform or not speaking to me is not a jab at me. Period.
Anyways, as the time is quickly approaching I feel like we're trying to smoosh anything and everything possible into the time we have left together. This past weekend we went to Medieval Times. I was on the fence about it, but we actually had such a good time! So if you've been debating about going - go. We had the VIP Royal Package, sat in the second row, and the food was delicious! I fell in love with the baked potato and corn on the cob that they served - whatever seasoning they used, I WANT! Oh yea, and the show was good too! I could tell the kids got a kick out of it; they wouldn't stop waving their flags and throwing their fists in the air. We also went to the SD County Fair for the first time. As soon as we arrived and were on the verge of passing through the security scanners, the front tire on our jogging stroller went flat. Surprisingly, the employees were extremely helpful and hooked us up with a tire pump. I got my cotton candy fix, while we played games and rode plenty of the rides. Both of my kiddos got lucky and each won a fish [unfortunately, one barely made it through the night and died early the next morning]. I guess we were having such a blast because we were there for hours! When Sunday rolled around we surprised my Husband with goodies and then treated him to breakfast to celebrate Father's Day. We finished the day with some fun at the pool and grilling out. It was a lovely family-filled weekend and I loved every minute of it.
Like I said, I can't help but think about it. I constantly catch myself thinking of the day he has to leave and my eyes instantly well-up. I'm not ready. Who is ever 'ready' to tell their loved one "I'll see ya later, I'll see you sometime next year!"... No one. If they tell you any different, they're lying. We attended a pre-deployment brief and though it was informative, it didn't calm my nerves. We were told that we need to keep in mind that our spouse's are leaving for a combat deployment. If anything, it made my nerves skyrocket. I keep thinking about how am I going to sleep at night and he's not there for me to put my foot or butt against, or bark at me to please turn off the TV because it's distracting, or hear him groan about having to get up early, or make fun of me for not properly opening a box/bag, or come home with my favorite bag of chips/candy bar, or grunt at me for not refilling the ice container - again...
I sound selfish, thinking about how it's all going to affect me, but this is MY time to be selfish. I have to share him everyday and I rarely get him all to myself. For awhile I was even debating about if I should or shouldn't throw him a going away party; a lot of my friends (who have experienced this once or too many times) told me I shouldn't feel obligated to and just focus on us. But me, being the horrible bitch that I am, decided to throw one anyways so everyone else can share their farewells. I figured he/we will be busy the last few weeks before he goes and there's no reason for us to travel elsewhere to accommodate everyone else - plus he won't be able to travel out of town the closer his departure is. In a sense, I'm excited because I'm throwing the party while some of my family will be here visiting! I'll have some familiarity and a piece of home here for a while. I've missed them/home and it'll be a relief to be around family again. I realized the downside is I'll have to tell them bye and then about a week later I have to say bye to my Husband too. I'm not ready.
I want to hug him longer, kiss him harder, dance with him more often, and just never let go.
I may not be ready, but I can do it. It'll be hard, but I'll manage. Not to toot my own horn or imply it was anything close to easy, but I was a single mom for a while. So for all you naysayers who think I can't hang and think I'm ridiculous for wanting him to stay in the military, you have no idea what I can handle.
xo,
sss
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