One Month Down!

Hello my fab readers!  I'm starting to think I should have a name for my followers, I never know how to address you.

I'm a couple days late, but we finally reached our one month marker.  Honestly, it felt like this month took F-O-R-E-V-E-R! (in my Squints voice)

This past month:

Our Little Big Man started SIXTH grade!  It's weird saying that I now have a Middle Schooler now.  I didn't even realize it until the summer was almost over, haha.  Not only did he go back to school, but he also started playing baseball; which is another WHOA factor for us because he's always been a soccer star.  Although, I have to admit that he has done extremely well with adapting to playing different sports, like flag football.  I'm so happy that he's been stepping out of his comfort zone and trying different things.  He'll always be my soccer MVP, but he's also our all star.  On a funny note, it was quite interesting going shopping for his uniform/gear he that he needed.  We sounded like two immature little kids just giggling away at the protective cups that they have to wear, lol.

I also started working out again.  I've been having problems with the number I see on the scale.  I miss the "fat" me when I was a tad bit younger compared to how I am now.  [the things we take for granted smh]  It's all still a learning process for me so I've been doing better at not focusing on that number and not weighing myself as often, as well as focusing on increasing my cardio, eating better, and lifting a little heavier.  I was getting so frustrated because I started this journey back in May and my weight would just fluctuate.  I took about a month off when my family was visiting just because I didn't want to waste their vacation time  on me going to/from the gym, and I didn't want to be away from my Husband since he was going to be deploying.  [excuses]  So for the past month I increased my cardio.  I workout 5 days a week and I do cardio every time, but I reserve 2 of those days to strictly focus on it; I used to only do it once a week.  I've also started meal prepping.  I didn't start this until a couple weeks ago.  Seriously - it's pretty convenient.  So far I've lost 2 lbs.  It's not as much as I'd like, but I think my expectations aren't ideal.  It's tough because I'm not always motivated, but I'm trying to stay on it because I have goals in mind I intend to keep.

We survived two appointments since he's been gone, haha.  I don't know think a lot of people would consider that an accomplishment, but I was seriously stressing out about it.  I don't necessarily pamper myself often, so I go and get lash extensions.  [girlfriend, it is not cheap!]  Normally I would go and my Husband would stay home with the kids, BUT because of obvious reasons that couldn't happen.  So I made sure we charged anything and everything, and brought headphones.  They were so well-behaved for that whole hour we were there.  It felt like a weight had been lifted.  I hope it's like that ALL the time [again, not ideal, but a girl can dream uhkay].  Then I had a doctor's appointment and I thought I had no one to watch my Toddler (my Little Big Man was in school).  But then I remembered all of those awesome friends that offered to help if I ever needed it, and went from there.  It's not easy for me to ask anyone for help, so I was a little anxious about asking.  It worked out though we kind of did a kid swap for the day since we both had things to do.  

Cooking has been an interesting adventure, haha.  At first I was still making enough for the four of us.  So let's just say we had plenty of leftovers to finish, lol.  Once I got the swing of it my lazy side kicked in and I didn't feel like cooking.  Now that doesn't mean I just said eff it we're going out to eat everyday, I meant instead I would pick something simple - hot dogs, frozen pizza, chicken patties/nuggets, or mac and cheese.  The meals I normally reserve for my Little Big Man's practice nights when time is of the essence.  Let's be glad I'm still feeding us, lol

I sent my first set of care packages to him.  For some odd reason I felt slightly intimidated shipping them out, but the process was a breeze.  I was surprised that both of my packages arrived in such a short time frame.  Also, FYI USPS offers a kit for this purpose.  You call #1-800-610-8734 and ask for a Military Shipping Kit.  It includes different sizes of flat rate boxes, blank address to/from stickers, packaging tape, and clear receipt sleeves.  Did I mention it's FREE???  Since the largest box in my kit wasn't big enough for the amount of stuff I was shipping, I sent two boxes instead.  I filled one with all his new "necessities" and the other I made special by decorating it for his birthday!  When he got his packages we were video chatting and this fool opened the birthday box FROM THE SIDE...  [there are no words for the look I gave him] haha, but he 'closed' it so he can open it from the top and take in my efforts.  I decorated the inside of the flaps with birthday wrapping paper and then made my own birthday banner, so when he lifted the flaps the banner would spread out.

I've been trying to make it a habit to get out of the house with the kids - other than for groceries, the gym, and/or sports - so we're not cooped up all day.  We go on little frozen yogurt dates and sometimes we actually go out to eat instead of picking something up to just bring home.  Although a lot of times it reminds me that he's not here right now.

I've had plenty of melt downs since he's left and it hasn't been easy.  I haven't "gotten used" to him being away and I will never get used to it.  I've only adapted to him being away.  With him gone I kind of feel like I'm discovering my independence all over again.  Before he came into my life I already did these things by myself.  But once I was let go from my job and we moved across the states I grew to be pretty dependent on him.  This deployment is just a reminder to me that you should never fully rely on someone else.  I don't mean that in a negative way either.  I think a lot of military spouses become used to it or comfortable with this life, and tend to forget that we can do the same things that they do.  We can fix things when they're broken, take the car to get it's oil changed/tires rotated, pay bills, workout, go grab a drink with your friends, use the grill [I haven't conquered that JUST yet, haha], or make your own decisions.  So to whomever needs to hear it, you can be independent and still be a Susie-Homemaker, etc.  

It's been extremely comforting that we can communicate often.  We don't get to video chat often because the quality is usually horrible, so it's usually messages and gifs, haha.  The time difference does throw us off a little bit, but we're managing just fine.  This deployment opened my eyes at how much we take for granted the things that are right there in front of us; and almost always we end up regretting/missing it once it's gone.  I don't want to be one of those people who constantly put things off and then regret it once it's too late.  I feel like this deployment brought us closer and I'm glad that it did.  He left while we were in a happy place and it's stayed that way since he's been away.  I know they say deployments change people, but I didn't know that it happened before they would even leave.  I noticed how his mentality kind of changed and for the better.  He's already such a laid back guy, but I feel like he's grown to be a little more stern.  I was shocked [actually still am] at how he was blown off [more than likely because of lil 'ol me] before he left and how well he handled it.  He wasn't pissed off, but it was more of a realization to him that he wasn't a priority to some people, and he'd rather move on than dwell on it [go best friend! that's my best friend!]  Seriously, he's better than me because I would of been calling people out left and right.

On another note, there are no words to share how thankful I am for the amount of support and advice that has been offered to me and the boys since my Husband has left.  My family makes sure to check up on us to see if everything is going well.  As well as friends doing the same and also offering a hand.  I know it's only been a month, but it's nice to know that they took time out of their busy lives to check on us and were even thinking of us.  These are the people that I'm glad to have in my life.  It's awesome, but at the same time it has also brought to light the ones that haven't reached out.  I know that there are always going to be people out there rolling their eyes because they think I'm being "extra" or "omg he'll be back, it's not like he's gone forever" or "dramatic" or "I wasn't like that when my spouse left"...

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

More power to you boo.  I am naturally a worry-wart and an over-thinker.  My mind is constantly thinking about the next move or the what-ifs so  I can't just blow it off; he's my person and he's so far away, and we're told that anything can happen while they're out there.  So how can you NOT worry!?  So to say I stress out a little would be an understatement.  But now I'm to the point that I have a lot of hair falling out and some other stuff going on, so I'm practicing how to WOOSAAAH.

We got this!



xo,
sss

Goodbyes Suck

Well our newest adventure has begun.

When his departure date seemed to quickly approach it felt like I was falling into a deep endless pit, and as we hurried to make sure we did all the things we wanted to before he left it felt like I was flailing in panic as I fell.

I guess that's the best way for me to describe what it feels like to have my soulmate taken away (for the time being).

It's kind of sad, the kids are still kind of young (more so my Toddler) to understand what exactly is going on.  As we got in the car to drive to his drop off point, my Toddler was laughing and kept saying over and over again how he was going to work with Daddy - as he put on his daddy's cover (hat).  I swear he was just tugging at my heart strings.  My Little Big Man is not one for sharing his emotions, so he's been pretty mum.  He's more the type that you have to ask him how he's doing and he almost always replies with a giggle.

The past week my nerves and emotions were a hot mess, but as the day got closer it was even messier - which was expected.  That had to be the quietest car ride we've ever had.  It was this aching silence.  I didn't want to talk because I knew I'd start crying again.  So I would grip his hand tighter whenever I held back a sob.  As we walked along side him as he dragged his gear, it was nerve racking to approach the parade deck full of families/couples/etc. knowing that they're going through something similar.  Although, I felt like everyone had their shit together meanwhile I'm walking around red-eyed, red nose, my throat was tight, and I was on the verge of tears...  Again.

I don't remember the last time I cried this much.

I know it isn't goodbye, it's see you later - but it still breaks my heart.  I know I'm not the only person to ever go through this, nor the last.  But none of that means you can't feel sad or upset because people have already gone through something similar.  And yes, I mean SIMILAR because not everyone has the same EXACT experience.  So I just want to say for all of you that follow my blog and/or my social media be prepared to read how much I miss him.  Seriously, how often do you have your spouse leave for months or weeks at a time?  That's not something normal in the work place.  So you're damn right I'm going to be in my feelings.  I know I'm not going to die without him, but sometimes it sure does feel that way.  He's my person.  And it's not only the not seeing each other for a long period of time part, but you also have to factor in that anything can happen out there - GOD FORBID!  So it pisses me off and saddens me that there wasn't more effort put in to saying goodbye to him.  But it's like my Husband says "that's on them".  I believe that it takes a strong person to go through what we go through as a military spouse/SO or dependent.  This will be my first to experience a deployment so I can't really say I've been through enough to say I'm strong, but I know that we got this.

The memory I can't get out of my head is the urgency we both felt as the different posts were being called to load up in the buses.  So we hugged for as long as we could while the kids laid at our feet.  Then we cried even more and hugged even tighter - I just didn't want to let go.  It was that "this is it" feeling because that was it, our final goodbyes.  So when it was his turn we let go of each other, and he turned around and waved at us...  And that's when it felt like my heart just shattered to pieces.

I'm already counting down the days for when he comes home to us.



xo,
sss

Family is Everything

Hi everyone!

When I'm not acting like a 'girl in junior high' or brainwashing my grown ass husband, this 'lovely bride' throws her husband a going away party.

I did just that and I'm so happy that I did.  Everyone seemed to have had a blast and the food was delicious.  My mom made some of her popular Filipino dishes to throw into the mix of burgers, fruit bowls, chips, etc.  I'm so glad that my family got to be here to be apart of this transition into the next chapter of our lives, as well as the friends that could make it.  We wanted to celebrate with all our family and friends and although some couldn't make it (and some chose not to) I'm thankful we got to do it while my family was here visiting.

Speaking of them being here, it felt great to be around family again.  My family is super close and we're very open with each other, and they've always been such a huge support system.  Which is why I was so happy they got to be here for a while because having a solid support system is so crucial - especially with what's to come - IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!  I feel like right now is time sensitive and fragile, so spending time with my husband/kids and my family felt beyond amazing!  With my husband's deployment nearing I'm grateful I have my supportive family to lean on, whether it be a phone call or while they were here.  When they were here they helped me lose track of time since we were so busy exploring CA and just enjoying each other's company.  We went to the Sky Zone Trampoline Park, San Diego Zoo, the beach, Disney California Adventure Park, and the Pirate's Dinner Adventure.  On top of all that, my mom did a lot of cooking while she was here.  She even hooked us up with her famous Lumpia and secret sauce [I'm seriously drooling over here].  I  felt like we were the ones on vacation!  It also almost felt like I was back home, we were just missing some of my siblings/their families.

I've been debating about going back home.  I thought I had my mind made up 100% that we'd stay here until he got back and then wait for our next steps in his military career, but apart of me feels like we should go back home because we have my big ass family to depend on.  Back home I have my family, friends that I would love to see again, and I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with assholes or fake people.  And let's not forget the food I've been missing! [I'm talking about you Smithfield's BBQ, Musashi's, Zaxby's, and Bojangles!]  I'm not saying going home means I have 'babysitters' as some like to call it because I'm definitely not the type to dump my kids on my parents every chance that I get.  Going home just seems comforting.

I just can't believe in less than two weeks he's going to be gone - and for a long time.  I keep finding myself dreading the day we have to make that trip to drop him off and say our goodbyes.  My throat gets tight, my eyes begin to water, and I feel myself wanting to ball my eyes out.  The longest time we've ever spent apart was a week.  We're not some clingy type of couple so that wasn't torture, but we also knew that he would be coming home soon.  Everyone keeps telling me to keep myself busy, but I already feel like I kind of do with the kids and the house.  I thought about getting a job, but with us down to just one parental unit I feel like that would make it more stressful for me having to juggle childcare, appointments, and school - and let's not forget I would still have to cook/clean.  I'm trying to remain hopeful [and remember to take deep breaths], but this is our first deployment.  And I didn't forget the kids, I can't help but stress how the transition is going to be for them.  I know that I have to be strong/tough for them, but I know it's also okay to have bad days.  It's hard to want to spend and enjoy every waking minute together without the other stuff clouding my mind.

I'm aware that I'll get the "that's what you get for marrying someone in the military" comment from some seasoned military spouse or someone who doesn't know any better, but none of that changes my feelings.  It still sucks.  But how lucky am I that I found someone who is brave and bad ass enough to enlist in a job like this?  So yes, the military life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but it has it's moments.  Some say "only the strongest can handle this" and apparently to a lot of my family and friends think that I fall into that category.  But this is unknown waters for me - I'm nervous, scared, sad, stressed...  I'm truly flattered that some think so highly of me and what I can handle, but this is a biggie.

It hasn't even happened just yet, but it's like I'm already anticipating the countdown of his return.

----------

I truly believe that family is everything.  They are always there when shit hits the fan or things fall apart [at least I know that mine are].  When I care about someone I don't appreciate when they are mistreated - in any shape or form.  I go into protective mode.  I feel that everything is a choice.  So when people make choices due to their own selfishness or are just down right inconsiderate, I feel they can't blame anyone else but themselves when things don't go their way.  I'll leave it at that.

Just some words of wisdom from yours truly.

xo,

sss

I'm Not Ready

Good morning world.

I have a little over five weeks before my life changes for a while.  To say that I am 'nervous' would be an understatement.

I am terrified, sad, scared, etc. [you catch my drift]

I know this was bound to happen, but that was never going to change my feelings about it; it still sucks and I still wish he doesn't have to go.

It's all I think about.  I could be spending my time concerned that some of my family are upset with me and have unfriended me, but that isn't a priority [you all know how big I am on priorities].  Apparently, I'm only "allowed" to rant about things non-family related, otherwise I'm not allowed to have an opinion [insert eye roll].  So if you're one of those people who read my blog strictly to run back to my family and bitch about me and/or roll your eyes at my commentary, go ahead and click the 'X' in the top right corner - your count on my Page Views isn't needed.

*For future reference to anyone associated with me and not saying this was the intention recently, but un-following me on any social media platform or not speaking to me is not a jab at me.  Period.

Anyways, as the time is quickly approaching I feel like we're trying to smoosh anything and everything possible into the time we have left together.  This past weekend we went to Medieval Times.  I was on the fence about it, but we actually had such a good time!  So if you've been debating about going - go.  We had the VIP Royal Package, sat in the second row, and the food was delicious!  I fell in love with the baked potato and corn on the cob that they served - whatever seasoning they used, I WANT!  Oh yea, and the show was good too!  I could tell the kids got a kick out of it; they wouldn't stop waving their flags and throwing their fists in the air.  We also went to the SD County Fair for the first time.  As soon as we arrived and were on the verge of passing through the security scanners, the front tire on our jogging stroller went flat.  Surprisingly, the employees were extremely helpful and hooked us up with a tire pump.  I got my cotton candy fix, while we played games and rode plenty of the rides.  Both of my kiddos got lucky and each won a fish [unfortunately, one barely made it through the night and died early the next morning].  I guess we were having such a blast because we were there for hours!  When Sunday rolled around we surprised my Husband with goodies and then treated him to breakfast to celebrate Father's Day.  We finished the day with some fun at the pool and grilling out.  It was a lovely family-filled weekend and I loved every minute of it.

Like I said, I can't help but think about it.  I constantly catch myself thinking of the day he has to leave and my eyes instantly well-up.  I'm not ready.  Who is ever 'ready' to tell their loved one "I'll see ya later, I'll see you sometime next year!"...  No one.  If they tell you any different, they're lying.  We attended a pre-deployment brief and though it was informative, it didn't calm my nerves.  We were told that we need to keep in mind that our spouse's are leaving for a combat deployment.  If anything, it made my nerves skyrocket.  I keep thinking about how am I going to sleep at night and he's not there for me to put my foot or butt against, or bark at me to please turn off the TV because it's distracting, or hear him groan about having to get up early, or make fun of me for not properly opening a box/bag, or come home with my favorite bag of chips/candy bar, or grunt at me for not refilling the ice container - again...

I sound selfish, thinking about how it's all going to affect me, but this is MY time to be selfish.  I have to share him everyday and I rarely get him all to myself.  For awhile I was even debating about if I should or shouldn't throw him a going away party; a lot of my friends (who have experienced this once or too many times) told me I shouldn't feel obligated to and just focus on us.  But me, being the horrible bitch that I am, decided to throw one anyways so everyone else can share their farewells.  I figured he/we will be busy the last few weeks before he goes and there's no reason for us to travel elsewhere to accommodate everyone else - plus he won't be able to travel out of town the closer his departure is.  In a sense, I'm excited because I'm throwing the party while some of my family will be here visiting!  I'll have some familiarity and a piece of home here for a while.  I've missed them/home and it'll be a relief to be around family again.  I realized the downside is I'll have to tell them bye and then about a week later I have to say bye to my Husband too. I'm not ready.

I want to hug him longer, kiss him harder, dance with him more often, and just never let go.

I may not be ready, but I can do it.  It'll be hard, but I'll manage.  Not to toot my own horn or imply it was anything close to easy, but I was a single mom for a while.  So for all you naysayers who think I can't hang and think I'm ridiculous for wanting him to stay in the military, you have no idea what I can handle.

xo,
sss

That's What I Want

Hey everyone!

I'll get straight to the point because I'm driving myself crazy.

Lately, I feel like I've been a tad bit in a rut.  I find myself constantly saying "I want..." and so on.  I guess the reason I get so frustrated is because I can list all the things I want, but the answer will always be the same - I/we "can't".  I know some of the things I want aren't ideal at the moment, nor a necessity, but it still doesn't alleviate the fact that I want it.

I know right now you're probably reading this thinking "damn, she sounds like some spoiled brat", etc.  I am right there with you.  I hear myself and maybe that aids in my frustration.

I've come back full circle and am back at Square One: I'm not used to being dependent on someone else.  When I was still a working mom, whenever I wanted something I didn't need to ask or in some cases BEG and whine like a child [as I bow my head in shame]...  I could just buy it.

I want to replace the old/cheap dressers in our master bedroom to complete the room the way I've been wanting to.

I want to upgrade my cellphone and give my Little Big Man my would-be old phone.  His current cellphone has something internal that's broken (possibly his antenna) causing his WiFi to not work.  It has zero WiFi capabilities which sucks.  The main reason we got him a phone was purely for keeping tabs on him, but

I want to upgrade my 9 year old dining room table to something new and maybe bigger.

I want to buy a house, but at the same time I don't want to settle here.  California is a tad bit too extra for my taste.  The place is gorgeous, but you pretty much have to live and breathe money to live here.

I want to make my own money! [as I pull my hair out and scream]

I want to be able to spontaneously wake up and go to Disneyland because I feel like it.

See what I mean...  I sound like some bratty child.

Don't get me wrong, my husband spoils me when he can.  I just wish that sometimes ***I*** can do the spoiling.  I know we're married so it shouldn't be mine versus his, but we've always had mine versus his versus us.  I guess it's taking my mind a while longer to get used to the mentality that it's ours.  That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I feel like a child buying him a gift with money I've gotten from him.

But I've just been stuck in this rut that I'm unsatisfied with myself and how my life is going.  I feel like I could be doing so much more, but I can't pinpoint what that 'so much more' actually is.

In the future I do plan on returning to the working field, but I don't know what I plan on doing.  I've attempted to check out different jobs online that are available in hopes of finding one that I can actually do, but nothing that fits my criteria.

I know this entire post is nothing but me whining, but blogging it out is how I get it off my chest and clear my mind.  I'm not ungrateful for all the things that I do have.  I just have this feeling that I'm stuck in a box full of restrictions.  In the meantime, I'm still trying to learn to enjoy the little things.  If I'm lucky, maybe I can get some awesome suggestions from any of you lovely readers.

Positive vibes,



xo,
sss