Someone once told me that I will never be truly happy with anyone until I learn to love myself. Well guess what? I’m not even close to that “loving myself” bullshit.
I think if anyone was to get inside my brain, they’d end up getting lost and confused and probably go just as crazy as me. I don’t even think a map could save you. I get so irritated with myself because of what happens on a daily basis in my head. As follows:
1. Kids
2. Love Life
3. House
4. Job
5. Life
6. Oh yea… myself!
I don’t know what’s happened to me. In a way I feel like I’ve lost myself. I remember I used to walk around with not a care in the world of what anyone had to say about me – not cocky, but I had enough confidence in myself that I was content. I don’t know when I lost all of that. I’ve completely lost my sense of self.
When it comes to my relationship with my hubby, I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he decided enough was enough. I’ve become this ugly monster of pure psycho jealousy. Any pretty girl that came up in a conversation or I’d see on that handy dandy Facebook or Instagram (damn you! There goes all that social media bullshit) I instantly have a panic attack. I constantly ask questions like “Who is she?” or “How’d you meet her?” or “Did you ever date her?” or “Did you ever sleep with her?” and “Why is she even on your friends?”… YIKES! I know… I sound like such a jealous c*nt [whoops, hopefully the “*” made you feel slightly better]. I’ve been stuck in this rut of continuously comparing myself to the “Made In CA” females. I swear, I think there’s something in their water. Most of them are blessed as being skinny with long hair, long eyelashes, and sun-kissed skin. As for me? I’m short, stumpy with dry/split end hair, annoying short eyelashes, and skin the color of an iced latte. I guess I was blessed with freckles to spice up my face…? :) I see what he’s been with – yes I said what and not who, real mature – and I know I look nothing like them. I see the females he checks out in public and that instantly makes me feel smaller than I already feel; similar to that whole crawl under a rock feeling. A lot of times it makes me wonder why me, why did he pick me? Am I someone to help make the time pass? As many times as my friends/family try to reassure me that I’m “pretty” or (my fave) “who does he come home to?” I just shrug it off. To make my life oh so better [insert sarcasm] he wants us to move to CA. Umm… WHAT? The place that’s close to the root of my craziness. The last time we were there, I had a good time & met some awesome people, but it wasn’t the greatest experience for me. Every promise he made to me prior to us going was a FAIL.
Honestly, I think that’s when everything changed for me. So now I'm stuck in a stand still. I know it's up to me to fix, but this whole thing clouds my mind with bitterness.
Sorry for my blabbering... My thoughts have been so jumbled. But until next time --
xo,
sss
Oh boo... How I wish you could see yourself through other people's eyes! 9 times out of 10 we are our worst and toughest critic, which I'm SURE is your case. Take it from me, who was with you and V a good deal of time last week... I saw the way he looks at you, with this grin on his face waiting for the punch line, the way he tries to be in tune to what you need, the way he takes care of little V & J, and your (very weird) snuggling and kissing on the couch. :P that man loves you, you are NOT a place holder. He may have grown up around those girls (I'm sure they aren't all as perfect as you think) but look who he chose to settle down and start a family with. A REAL woman, who is way more beautiful than she will ever give herself credit for. As far as the whole jealousy thing, I'm not gonna say all that instagram checking/background checking is healthy, cause it's probably not, and it ends up making you feel worse than him or whoever it may be. But when you've delt with hard trust issues in the past, it's hard to break the old self-protection habits, I know. Just remember who you are with, and maybe he doesn't deserve the same level of scrutiny as someone else. I love you so much, and don't you DARE shrug my words off, or I will cut you, eggxtra bad. ;)
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