Atlas

Good morning beautiful(s)!

[my favorite cover by the way]

Everyday as some women put on their makeup and prepare for the day, I pretty much do something similar - I put on my face to mask how I feel.

I call it being an adult or a parent or a mother... [I'm still working on that because nothing seems fitting to me]  If I were to act on how I truly feel then my family and friends would feel miserable.

I've discovered as of late that I find being alone rather enjoyable [cue all the parents "mHmm girrrrl"]  Yes, I know at some point in time when you're constantly taking care of your kids/family you need a nice break for some me time.  But, that's not what I mean.  I like sleeping by myself, I like watching TV alone, I like the thought of going to the damn store solo.  I don't have to hear a billion questions about who/what/where/why/how, peoples' nasty bodily functions [boys are just gross], or a fussy baby who's a momma's boy.  However, much like everything else it also has a bad side effect on my thoughts; the quiet tends to lead me down a winding road to a dark/negative place in my mind.

*Over thinker - Party of 1.

I'm beginning to feel like my life is being played out like the movie Groundhog Day; it's the same thing EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

- Alarm 1goes off.  I turn it off.
- Alarm 2 goes off.  I turn it off.
- Alarm 3 goes off... Ok fine, I'm up.

Once my feet touch the floor, my morning becomes a blur and it's like I don't need to use my brain because my body is so used to all the same motions. 

- Check if my little big man got up when his alarm went off.
- Make my coffee.
- Wake up my newbie.

Now I can begin to get myself presentable for my office environment job [I'm still praying for the day I can show up at work wearing a loose top, & leggings with some combat boots] - so a blazer and black slacks with high heels will have to suffice. 

Then, pause.

- Scream part 1 for my husband to wake up

Apparently it's my job to make sure everyone's awake.  As for me, if I don't get up during any of my many alarms - we're all doomed.  So he'll either tell me to be quiet or say he's getting up [he's totally lying]

- Brush my teeth [so I can sip my coffee and have coffee breath..?]
- Do my hair and cover up my face [which is now covered in acne as if I'm a teenager all over again]

Pause again.

- Scream part 2 for my husband to wake up

This time he'll get up because he's realized he's running behind [aaand begin our morning rush hour].  On a regular day he'll dress our newbie in the clothes I've already picked.  Then once I make it downstairs I get to style his hair - or at least TRY.  Since we've swapped schedules and morning duties it spares me a little more time to get ready.  Once we've all left the house and reported for work, my day drags; it doesn't matter if I'm busy or if my workload is small.  If it wasn't for working with my close friends, I probably wouldn't last the whole day with my sanity still intact.

I'm pretty sure looking from the outside in, I'm happy/loud/funny - I've learned a lot of people find me entertaining; it's my defense so I don't have to explain how I feel.  I hate explaining myself & talking about my feelings; it makes me uncomfortable and humiliated. 

Have you ever had that feeling when you don't even know what exactly you're feeling?  [in my mind that makes sense]  I guess my only way to describe it is "blah"...  I don't feel happy anymore.  I don't feel excited about anything and if I do it's short-lived. 

I almost feel - empty. 

I feel like my love life has turned into an episode of Real World where we're more relatable to roommates rather than a husband and wife.  I feel like by the time I get home and be with my family that I'm almost on E so my patience and tolerance levels are very, very low. 

I feel like I'm so busy trying to keep everything together and constantly defending myself that I don't have the energy anymore.   

I've felt this way for months; slowly, but surely falling apart behind closed doors.  I don't know if it's the constant repetition of my bitching that no one is listening to me, the lack of companionship, my every-growing list of insecurities, the expectation that I'm Super Mom/Wife, the panic/nervousness of eventually moving, and/or the fact that I've become dissatisfied with my job - that everything is stressing me out to the max [hence the acne explosion on my forehead??].  If I don't already have a lot on my plate there's always something else thrown at me.  After a while I thought that maybe I had the Baby Blues, PPD, or depression, but I'm not a doctor.  I feel humiliated for even thinking that; it makes me feel like I'm failure.  I feel like suggesting that just means that I'm making up an excuse for why I can't handle or manage my life.  I didn't realize it would be this hard to have a family; my parents always made it look so easy.

I don't need a pity party.  I know I'm not the only person in the world who feels like the weight of the world is barreling down on them and you're already at the point your knees are quivering, just on the brink of giving out, from the amount of weight constantly pushing you down.

Everyday is a struggle.  As soon as that alarm clock goes off I DREAD getting out of bed because I already know what to expect - busy, rushing, chaos, boredom, assholes, demanding, idiots, annoying, tired, loud...  What if I don't want to be Super Mom/Wife?  What if I don't want to clean up after everyone?  What if I don't want to work full time anymore?  What if I don't want to cook dinner every night?  What if I want to sleep in all day?  I often wonder what it would be like if I decided one day to just stop.

Just stop.

I guess it's obvious that I'm still working on me.  I decided to try this technique where if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything [this will probably be the quietest you'll ever hear(?) me].  I'm just exhausted and need a break. So for my next trick:

Step one, take it one day at a time.

xo,
sss