Tuesday, March 8, 2016

California Living

Hellooo from the other side...

So we made it to CA.  We've been here for a about two months and I'm still not feeling it here.  I don't understand what all the fuss is about this place.  The only thing I've observed is there is a huge variety of places to eat at.  Yet we've ate a lot of In N Out Burger, The Habit, and Chilis...  It still takes the same amount of time to get to places to shop or eat.  The traffic here is ridiculous.  The people here always seem to be in a rush and are extremely impatient [Kim you'd fit in lol].  I haven't come across too many rude people - though I was tempted to bump a few ladies with my shopping cart the other night [apparently some people here don't know the words "EXCUSE ME"] for acting cunty.

I've had my moments where I'm homesick.  My brother and his wife sent the sweetest gift a couple weeks ago.  The day I received it was truly perfect timing; I was feeling down and they sent me some little things to remind me of home.  It was very thoughtful and I love it.  The letter from my brother, of course, made me cry like a bishhh. 

The school here has totally thrown me for a loop!  My Little Big Man gets a half day EVERY week [where was this shit when I was still in school?!]...  Instead of being out of school for President's Day, he had ALL WEEK OFF because it was "President's Week"...  So he loves that aspect.  He's made friends quickly which I wasn't too worried about anyways.  I was concerned his schooling from NC would be behind CA, but so far so good!

My sister-in-law suggested I take advantage of the long, but short [it makes sense to me] walk to the school since I'm trying to hop back on the "I Need to Work Out" bandwagon again.  That lasted... 1 week... [I blame the weather!]  There was a week of bipolar weather [I almost felt like I was back home] so I didn't want to be pushing a stroller and walking against the crazy ass wind.  This week I was preparing to start up again aaand it rained.  Excuses.  I'm hoping I get all motivated again because my double butt is peepin. 

That's my problem - one of them.

I have zero motivation.  I'm so blah.  I don't know; maybe some of you can relate...  Have you ever felt like you're not living to the fullest?  That's exactly how I've been feeling.  I feel like I haven't been living to my full potential.  I've taken a very tiny, itty bitty, baby step and have been looking into schools. I figure it'll keep me busy and I've put it off long enough. 

I just feel lost. I used to be so independent and now I'm a mess. 

I feel frustrated, and resentful. I'm mad that I'm here, in this foreign [at least to me] place. I resent my husband for trying so hard to get us here.  I'm disappointed that he isn't there for me emotionally.  I just have this feeling, deep in my gut, that I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life and I never agreed to that.  I'm frustrated that almost always, everything in MY life has to change.  When we were expecting our Newbie, I often went to appointments by myself.  When I was still a working Mom I was in charge of making appointments, taking the kids to their doctor/dentist appointments, taking time off when any of the kids were sick, and even times when I stayed home sick our Newbie coincidentally stayed home too.  I don't know why, but I guess I had higher expectations.

I'm not happy anymore.

I'm not happy with myself, or anything for that matter - & haven't been for a while now.  I need to be a better version of myself.  One that is less stressed.  One that has more patience.  One that doesn't get mad so easily when people copy my ideas or share their opinions when they weren't asked.  One that is more laid back.  One that is comfortable in my own skin.  One that my kids can be proud of.  One that is more relaxed [I guess that falls under laid back - whatevs].  One that laughs more and smiles often.  One that doesn't waste my time and energy on irrelevant people.  One that manages time better.

I just need to make it up this big hump of negativity and then I'll be on my way.

Until next time, I hope everyone has a happy Tuesday!


1 comment:

  1. Are you trying to say I'm impatient?!? You are a strong woman and I know you'll make it! I'm always here if you need to talk! Love and miss you little sis!!!