Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'm On One

Hi again!

TWO days in a row!? Say what, say what!?? This is me trying to win you back since I slacked off.

I know I'm not the only one, well at least I know Drake has the same problem...

Trust Issues.

[my bad, I had to]

I'm sure there are quite a handful of us that experience this issue.  I have trust issues from bad experiences all the way to my personal insecurities.

You can go crazy and check up on your lover in all sorts of ways to make sure nothing's going on, but honestly -- if someone wants to cheat, they're going to do it.  It does not matter how many or what kind of precautions you take, truth be told, it's going to happen if that's what they're trying to do.  We are all adults [some may not act like it] but we make our own decisions.

I've been cheated on and vice versa.  I was young and stupid; don't get me wrong, that's no excuse.  And look what happened... My infidelities also caused me to have trust issues.  I figure, if I was capable of doing that who's to say my significant other isn't?  So I put my guard up; if I can't be trusted then I shouldn't trust anyone else.  But cheating isn't only physical; you can emotionally cheat.  So whether it's you sleeping with someone(s) else or exchanging phone numbers or finding someone to text/email/fb msg/snapchat/tweet/kik [holy shit social media!] that could fill that void that you feel you are missing from your significant other -- you're cheating.  If you have to erase those messages/pictures to hide what you're doing -- you're cheating.  If you are doing/saying things you would NOT do in front of your significant other -- you're cheating.


If it's not cheating, it's people being two-faced.  Having that feeling of a knife in your back, never goes away.  I've had boyfriends and even some of my girl friends stab me in the back; hence why my friend circle has always been so small.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  I learned not everything has to be shared.  So I make sure not to use the word "friend" so loosely.

I crave attention.  When I am in a relationship I want your attention; not 24/7, but I would like to have a reasonable amount of it.  I am not a fan of clingy-ness where you can't be apart for more than 5 minutes.  I believe in having some breathing space [or prepared to be stiff-armed].  I like to feel like I am a priority in your life; it may not be #1, but at least the top 5.  When I was younger, if you weren't following those guidelines, I'd find someone who did [stupid idea].  I wasn't going to waste my time on someone who I felt didn't deserve my affection.  If I could do those things for you, then you should return the favor.  I know I sound like one bossy/controlling cunt [whoop there it is], but that was is some of my guidelines.  I want your attention and to be one of your priorities; I don't think that is too much to ask.

I hate to feel vulnerable.  I don't like to let my guard down and let anyone in.  I know people can be hurtful, untrustworthy, evil, scandalous... and the list goes on.  So I would ask myself, "why should I trust anyone enough and let them in?"  To put that invisible wall down meant I was leaving myself open for someone to hurt me.  Who wants to feel that pain?  No one.

I want to feel significant.  Don't we all?  I'm not saying "please talk about me all day to your friends" because that's plain weird and annoying.  But acknowledging my existence is kind of cute.  For example, I was just recently told that my husband brings my name up a lot while he's at work (:  To the guys -- that's lame or annoying [teehee], but to me -- it had me smiling super hard [something I don't do too often].

I am insecure.  I hate that I have really bad low self-esteem & I'm well aware that's up to me to fix.  This is probably like déjà vu for my avid readers, but I like to think that the fact that I'm acknowledging my "problem" gets me one step closer to getting over that shit.  Anyways, the fact that I'm insecure I am constantly comparing my self to other females.  I pick out the ones I find pretty & start the "Who Wore It Best" type of critiquing.  Then I take it a little further with assuming since I find them attractive then so does my lover and then it's like "he probably thinks she's prettier".  Oh, and don't let me find out you have a pretty ex- because then it's like "did he do that with her?" or "he probably liked it when she did/said that"...  Have I told you how annoying my mind is?  [insert me screaming here].

This is EXACTLY what I picture when I think of my mind.
So here I am; one beautiful crazy mess.  I'm also my worst critic.  I'm still working on me, everyday.  I either bottle it up or share with my love/friends or write it all on here for the world to read.

You need trust in every relationship; it builds the foundation to a relationship.

But I'm just curious what other people do to overcome their trust issues.  Feel free to share in the comments [if anyone is out there]!

[HA! You probably thought it was going to be a Drake song (: tee hee]


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