Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Baby, You're a Firework

Good morning and happy "Last Day of School" for all the locals.

So a couple weeks ago I read a blog post that kind of made my heart race.  It wasn't anything horrible or upsetting...  It was a realization.

---> Click here to understand why.

My little big man is already 9 years old.  I still cannot believe it.  Like any other parent I always question how well or how bad of a job I am doing. 

Did I encourage him enough to make his own choices? 
Am I too strict? 
Do I hug him enough? 
How often have I let him use his imagination?
Was I too much "Mommy" or too much "Friend"?
When is the last time I actually had a conversation with him?

Just typing that makes my heart pick up the pace. 

This is our future generation that we are in charge of molding into smart/brave/genuine people.  I say that a lot, but I think that's a huge responsibility that a lot of people don't take seriously.

So how do I know if I'm doing a good job?

There are plenty of days where I feel like I have failed.  If I see he's starting to fall behind in certain subjects in school or has a lapse of judgment here and there, the question instantly appears in my lovely thought bubble.

There are times where I see pictures that my friends post that they do/did with their little ones and I realize I never did any of that with him.  I was working or pregnant... Or even forgot.  Those excuses don't make it okay.  For example, I realized I never went on ONE fieldtrip with him this year...  Not even ONE.

I want to prepare him for this chaotic world that's full of some pretty amazing things and unfortunately some really cruel unimaginable things.  I'm sure they have tons of books on "How To" and blah blah blah, but who can share [truthfully] that their child(ren) are 100% prepared for this adventure called Life?  I'm 26 and I still don't feel like I'm "ready" for whatever is to come.  I try to be persistent when teaching him to be respectful and disciplining him when deemed necessary [and YES I believe in spankings].

But sometimes I feel like it's too late - like I didn't make the deadline so what are my consequences?

When he's struggling in school I think of it like I'm also struggling.  When he's down, then I'm down.  You get my point...  I want him to always do well and be successful. 

I want them both to know that I'm always here for them.  I'm their Mom, but I can be a friend when they need it.  I definitely don't want to go overboard with the "friend" vibe.  I think some kids take advantage of that & forget who's actually in charge.

However, there are times where I see how my hard work has paid off.  During soccer season a handful of the kids on his team were giving one of the other kids a hard time (which the kid really didn't need due to other issues), but my little big man stepped up and defended him - with that action he was named Captain.  Then there are numerous times the way he is around his little brother that just warms my heart (as cheesy as that sounds).  For the most part he uses his manners - which if you know me, that's a BIG deal.

I feel like working full time (I always have) makes me miss out on time I could be spending with my kids.  I won't get this time back.  I have this sudden urge to hurry up and squeeze in all the time/knowledge I can share with my kids RIGHT now.  Although, I have never pictured myself as a stay-at-home Mom.  I've said it before, I like making my own money.  I'm independent and I don't like relying on anyone else. *I'm NOT saying working Moms or stay-at-home Moms are a bad thing/it's totally up to your preference*  I just can't picture myself sitting at home all the time, cut off from social interaction with other adults, constantly picking up after other people (more often than usual).  I can see it now - I'll end up laughing at my own jokes (a lot more) while wearing the same yoga pants I've worn for the past 3 days week.

I could be overthinking it (like usual), but I rather be safe than sorry. 

I just hope one day both my boys realize how much they mean to me <3.



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