Baby, You're a Firework

Good morning and happy "Last Day of School" for all the locals.

So a couple weeks ago I read a blog post that kind of made my heart race.  It wasn't anything horrible or upsetting...  It was a realization.

---> Click here to understand why.

My little big man is already 9 years old.  I still cannot believe it.  Like any other parent I always question how well or how bad of a job I am doing. 

Did I encourage him enough to make his own choices? 

Am I too strict? 

Do I hug him enough? 

How often have I let him use his imagination?

Was I too much "Mommy" or too much "Friend"?

When is the last time I actually had a conversation with him?

Just typing that makes my heart pick up the pace. 

This is our future generation that we are in charge of molding into smart/brave/genuine people.  I say that a lot, but I think that's a huge responsibility that a lot of people don't take seriously.

So how do I know if I'm doing a good job?

There are plenty of days where I feel like I have failed.  If I see he's starting to fall behind in certain subjects in school or has a lapse of judgment here and there, the question instantly appears in my lovely thought bubble.

There are times where I see pictures that my friends post that they do/did with their little ones and I realize I never did any of that with him.  I was working or pregnant... Or even forgot.  Those excuses don't make it okay.  For example, I realized I never went on ONE fieldtrip with him this year...  Not even ONE.

I want to prepare him for this chaotic world that's full of some pretty amazing things and unfortunately some really cruel unimaginable things.  I'm sure they have tons of books on "How To" and blah blah blah, but who can share [truthfully] that their child(ren) are 100% prepared for this adventure called Life?  I'm 26 and I still don't feel like I'm "ready" for whatever is to come.  I try to be persistent when teaching him to be respectful and disciplining him when deemed necessary [and YES I believe in spankings].

But sometimes I feel like it's too late - like I didn't make the deadline so what are my consequences?

When he's struggling in school I think of it like I'm also struggling.  When he's down, then I'm down.  You get my point...  I want him to always do well and be successful. 

I want them both to know that I'm always here for them.  I'm their Mom, but I can be a friend when they need it.  I definitely don't want to go overboard with the "friend" vibe.  I think some kids take advantage of that & forget who's actually in charge.

However, there are times where I see how my hard work has paid off.  During soccer season a handful of the kids on his team were giving one of the other kids a hard time (which the kid really didn't need due to other issues), but my little big man stepped up and defended him - with that action he was named Captain.  Then there are numerous times the way he is around his little brother that just warms my heart (as cheesy as that sounds).  For the most part he uses his manners - which if you know me, that's a BIG deal.

I feel like working full time (I always have) makes me miss out on time I could be spending with my kids.  I won't get this time back.  I have this sudden urge to hurry up and squeeze in all the time/knowledge I can share with my kids RIGHT now.  Although, I have never pictured myself as a stay-at-home Mom.  I've said it before, I like making my own money.  I'm independent and I don't like relying on anyone else. *I'm NOT saying working Moms or stay-at-home Moms are a bad thing/it's totally up to your preference*  I just can't picture myself sitting at home all the time, cut off from social interaction with other adults, constantly picking up after other people (more often than usual).  I can see it now - I'll end up laughing at my own jokes (a lot more) while wearing the same yoga pants I've worn for the past 3 days week.

I could be overthinking it (like usual), but I rather be safe than sorry. 

 

I just hope one day both my boys realize how much they mean to me <3.

 

xo,
sss

Dear Mom

Good Morning!

Happy 'Belated' Mother's Day to all you Moms out there!

I know it's almost been a week, but I didn't realize until now that I didn't post anything for Mother's Day.

STORY TIME!

This story has always stuck with me so I thought I would share.  When I was really little (3 or 4?) we used to live in California.  I used to hang out with a girl in our neighborhood who was older than me.  Well she had a habit of ditching me when another girl (who was closer to her age) would come out to play.  One day she asked me to come out and play so my Mom let me go outside.  Well as soon as we step on to the playground, out of nowhere that mean ass other little girl shows up & tells me I can't play with them because they're going to go play; totally ditching me AGAIN.  I considered her my best friend so it hurt my feelings.  So I came back inside the house crying my eyes out because no one wanted to play with me, but my Mom sat me on the counter and told me I could hang out with her because she was still my friend.

Now fast forward to the present -- We had a family dinner one night and as the evening was coming to a close, we all began to give everyone our goodbye hugs, etc. - the usual.  As it was my turn to hug/kiss my Mom goodbye I went to pull away thinking our embrace was reaching the almost awkward timeframe, my Mom pulled me in tighter and whispered "Anak I love you... I know I don't tell you that all the time, but I love you very much..."  I can hear her voice begin to tremble, which in return made my eyes well up and my throat tighten.  My Mom isn't one to express her emotions so it took me aback.  It made me realize how my Mom and I don't even live that far apart, yet I miss her a lot.

Growing up (I still am, just not physically) I constantly argued with my Mom.  I guess you could say that's typically what most girls do growing up because we're going through all those changes, etc.  It was pretty much any time my Mom said something I thought it didn't make sense or it was straight up dumb.  There was plenty of times where I would just roll my eyes because I didn't think she knew what she was talking about (you would of thought that I learned my lesson after the first slap that rolling my eyes wasn't the way to go - wrong).  I have never been super close or best friends with my Mom like some girls are.  We don't talk on the phone often.  I don't share all my juicy secrets with my Mom (more so because I don't have any).

My Mom is Filipino.  I probably had a slightly different upbringing than some of you due to cultural differences.  My Mom never taught me what happens when you get your period, just that I would get mine someday.  My Mom didn't believe in wearing makeup.  I didn't get to shave my legs until I was in middle school (& I mean LATER in middle school - do you know how embarrassing that was?).  My Mom used to always bitch at us to clean - ALL the time - like it's supposed to be an EVERYDAY chore.  My Mom would always tell us we HAD to finish what was on our plate and we got in trouble if we didn't.

I could never understand it.  At the time I felt like she just did it to be mean or just wanted to bitch at us.

My mom didn't believe in us wearing makeup because she didn't think we needed it.  She told me before that I was already beautiful and it didn't matter how much makeup I put on, that if I was ugly on the inside everyone would see through all that makeup anyways.  She taught me that makeup didn't cover up an ugly personality.  My mom made us clean up after ourselves so when we were on our own we would live in a clean house.  My mom made sure we finished what we had to eat because there were plenty of people who weren't as fortunate as us.

It's ironic and funny when on multiple occasions while I'm bitching about things around the house or at my husband/kids and realize that I sound just like my Mom - & I've learned that's not a bad thing.  My Dad always tells me the reason I don't get along with my Mom is because we're just alike.

I don't always tell my Mom how much I appreciate her.  She (along with my Dad) have shaped me into the woman I am today.  I've learned how to take care of myself and my family.  I now have a case of OCD when it comes to the cleanliness of my home.  She has taught me that I need to be beautiful on the inside/outside.  She has taught me to not be wasteful.  She has taught me to stand up for myself (hence why I've very opinionated).  She made raising us 6 kids look so easy and effortless; which I continue to idolize.

So once again, Happy Mother's Day Mom.

I love you Mom,
Punky 

Color Me ____.

*WARNING* This post is filled with a lot of color.


I am Filipino and White (Irish/Welsh/Indian).

That only tells you WHAT I am, not WHO I am.  My race or ethnicity doesn't DEFINE who I am as a person nor tell you anything about my character.  My blood and your blood are the same color.

Yet it has become the norm to blame everything on color:

• I got pulled over because I'm ____.
• I didn't qualify for food stamps because I'm ____.
• I get "randomly" checked at the airport because I'm ____.

No one owns up to anything.  You got pulled over for speeding or reckless driving - NOT because of the color of your skin.  You didn't qualify for food stamps because according to the system you make too much - NOT because of the color of your skin.  I don't think I need to remind anyone, but due to a horrible moment in US History, airports do conduct a lot of RANDOM checks - NOT because of the color of your skin. 

People! - Stop jumping to conclusions all the time!  Sometimes it really is just plain and simple.

I am not blind to the fact that there are bad/corrupt cops out there; just like I'm not blind to the fact that are bad/corrupt lawyers, presidents, governors, priests, teachers, civilians etc.  It is everywhere and not just all bundled up in one at the police station!  It's not ONLY bad WHITE cops; they come in any shape/size/color.

I am so tired... so so so tired of reading/watching how the term "white people" is being dragged through the mud every single time something wrong/unjust happens to a black person.  I'm sure that goes both ways; that is racism.  Why is ok for one group of people to throw the racism flag up, but wrong for the other group to feel the same?  You shouldn't be able to label me or accuse me of being a racist because of the simple fact that the color of my skin is white; that does not automatically make me racist.  It's just like I shouldn't hate anyone or treat them differently because of the color of their skin or assume they're a thug because of the color of their skin.

I will not sit here and try to justify that I am not a racist or try to justify how I'm not because I'm friends with this # of black people and I have this # of black relatives, etc. because I already know that regardless of what I say/type there will still be someone totally missing the point of what I am saying.  I don't need to justify that nor prove it to anyone.

The riots in Baltimore do not effect me.

The riots that occurred in Ferguson did not effect me.

I am not from there nor have I ever lived in either place.  But the way people paint a picture of white people in regards to those riots does effect me personally.  I'm part of that majority; I am white.  I feel strongly about it just as much as a black person does.  We are both allowed to have an opinion; my opinion doesn't rate anything higher than theirs and vice versa.

Why is it ok to stereotype anyone, but you're instantly a racist when the tables are turned? 

• If you like Starbucks and wear yoga pants and/or UGGs then you're a basic white girl.  Correct? 
• It's just like saying all black people like fried chicken, grape soda, and watermelon.  Correct? 
• How about, if you drive horribly - you're either a female or Asian.  Correct?
• Or when you wear baggy pants and fitted hats you're a thug or some hoodlum.  Correct?
• And my favorite, when you wear big hoop earrings and have thin ass eyebrows - looking like a straight up chola so you must be Mexican.  Correct?

I'm guilty at laughing at some of those stereotypes/labels.  I know I'm not the only one.  However, why is it ok to pick and choose when it's funny (when applied to others), but wrong when it pertains to you or someone similar?  It's a two way street my dears!  We need to rid ourselves of all these double standards.  You feel me?  It's NOT ok to stereotype certain people if you can't take it when it's applied to you. 

The same thing applies to these crazy/unnecessary riots; it's EVERYONE rioting - not just blacks.  If you are a true civil rights activist then you don't only speak up when it's white on black crimes.  If you are a true civil rights activist then you would protest PEACEFULLY to bring awareness, not riot unlawfully.
 


It's videos like the one above that really dry hump my nerves.  Why is it when we get pulled over we try to make it a point to try to "outsmart" or argue with whomever pulled you over?  It's like instead of that heart racing/small panic attack [or maybe that's just me] you used to feel about to happen as soon as you saw those lights flash in your rearview mirror, it's all been replaced by this urge to whip out your camera phone, just hoping & wishing to catch an officer of the law doing something you feel is wrong.  I don't even think it's to sincerely prove there's been some type of injustice anymore or if it's just to go viral. 

You should just cooperate like this gentleman:

I thought I would share some comments from a public post that I came across today.  The gentleman who shared it was black and one of the females commenting was also black, along with 3 white [I'm assuming] with myself included also commenting. The post was referring to how there have been riots that involved white people over ridiculous shit (football/baseball games, etc.) and the media failed to cover anything about it.  I wanted to share some of the comments that were made that I thought were beyond ignorant.  Can you read those comments, but flip them as if a white person said them, and then tell me you didn't feel it was racist?

I honestly didn't know I was born with "privileges"

From her point of view - whites are racist against everyone who isn't white

And white people will never understand racism because we are not black

Odd because the school I went to, the majority was black... We were all taught the same curriculum.

She's not racist... She's racist... ?

Playing victim that "bitches" like me will always make it seem like blacks are racist

She denied being racist, but admits when she talks about white people she is racist..?

I even underlined my "favorite" part - she thinks our culture should be "wiped out" to insert black culture now

All that is just ugly.

Speaking of the media - it happens to be the common denominator in a lot of these issues.  The media chooses what they what to show.  When that happens, they pretty much control your emotions.  They know that when they post a white on black crime that there will be an uproar in the black community, etc.

I do believe we should speak up and stand up for what we believe is right.  But there's a difference between having a Voice and abusing it.  People shouldn't use a man's death as an excuse to riot.  I'm sure his family would like to mourn in peace; not have some ridiculous riot forever connected to him dying.  The riots are not contributing to a greater good; if anything you will bring poverty to your home.  You are tearing down businesses that people work hard to start/keep.  Then what?  Will it be the white communities fault for that too?

Let's all stop for a moment and quit being so narrow-minded...  How do you think Hispanics or Asians, or any other race for that matter feel?  When will they have their time in the spotlight?  Nope, until we ALL do something to make a change it will forever be the "white man oppressing the black man".

Let it go.  Let's all stop living in the past.  Everyone needs to stop walking around with a chip on their shoulder over something that all of our ancestors did.  How about we stop playing the victim all the time?  Let's all admit to our faults.  Last I checked, I don't own any slaves and no one in my family in this day & age does or has ever.  None of us walking around here today have experienced extreme racism like our ancestors did in the past; so stop with the so called similarities.

We can all agree to disagree, but we need to teach our children, the future generation, Love, Equality, and Unity.  It shouldn't be that #BLACKlivesmatter or #WHITElivesmatter -- #ALLlivesmatter.



xo,
sss

My Hair Chronicles (Follow Up)

Hi again!

For those of you who read my previous blog post it's safe to say my hair is... SAVED!

This morning I watched MORE Youtube videos to get a better idea as to what I wanted to do to fix my boo-boo(s).  I finally jumped in my car and drove to Sally's Beauty Supply to buy a tub of bleach and some deep conditione and anything else I thought I needed to take care of the damage.  Once I explained what I did to the clerks, they were even a tad bit nervous as to what to do with my now damaged hair.  Once I heard "you may need to cut it off if you damage it anymore" it stuck with me the whole ride home and freaked me out.  So once I got home I ended up stalling some more and tried to do some more research on what I should/shouldn't do. 

All I kept envisioning was while rinsing my hair after letting the bleach process that chunks of my hair would begin to fall out.  Talk about a f*cking nightmare! 

Have I mentioned how much I adore my hair?!

After giving myself - and all my friends lol [I love you all] - a massive headache, I decided to go to the salon where my lovely friend [Liz @ Bladz & Rayz] could fix it. 

Testing a strand with Lightener

Covered all my ends in Lightener / processing

Rinsed out all that junk - HELLO BRASSY!

After applying a base color I had to leave (hence why I'm in my car) and pickup my Little Big Man and then return / yes I drove through town and on base looking this ratchet lol

She didn't like my brassiness so she applied another color

Why the change of heart?  I kept doubting myself, especially with using bleach, and was psyching myself out.  It didn't help that I already f*cked it up in the first place which just added to my self-doubt.  I know I'm not a professional/licensed cosmetologist and NEVER claimed to be, but I take pride in my hair, make up, eyebrows, belly, droopy ass, etc. You get my point.

I figured since I did such an awesome job doing my OWN red hair (Ariel inspired) being no one at the salon could achieve THAT shade of red "without bleach" (which I found to be false) that this was going to be just as easy.

So what did I learn?  You can't always Do It Yourself. 

How much did I spend doing it myself:

- $8.99/each, (x2) L'Oreal box color from Target
- $5.89/each, (x2) L'Oreal Hi-Color from Sally's Beauty Supply
- $0.99, Red Gold Additive
- $3.29, 30 Vol. Developer
- $13.99, Powder Bleach
- $9.99, Clear/Sulfate Free Shampoo
- $6.79, Sulfate Free Conditioner
- $1.89/each, Deep Conditioning packets
- $.39, Plastic Processing cap

Total: $68.98

That's not even including the tax.  How about the gas traveling to/from the local Walmart, surrounding Walmart, Target, and Sally's.  I can't forget to add the gas to the next city (in the opposite direction) to go to the other Sally's to pickup the supplies to "fix" my disaster.  Who knows how much more money/gas I would of spent/used to "fix" my hair if I had actually ended up using the bleach...

PEOPLE: DO YOUR RESEARCH!

After 4 hours, COMPLETE

Better lighting

Long Hair Don't Care with minimal boobage 

So anyways, I'm now at home currently enjoying my new hair and having my very own photoshoot :)

xo,
sss

My DIY Hair Fail

Good morning!

I'm starting to think I should start Vlogging - because this past weekend my hair experience was a FAIL.  Help me here, I'm trying to see the funny side of it all.

I LOVE my hair; it's probably one of my favorites when it comes to me.  My hair is naturally a dark brown; brunettes do it best [hey girl hey].  I love trying new things with my hair - hence that bright red mermaid hair.  I have a habit of seeing a beauty Vlog on Youtube, do some more research, and then end up trying it out myself.


Before I tortured my hair

Which brings me to this weekend.  I had been saying it for a week or two that I was FINALLY going to change my hair! 


Fail #1

So Saturday night I bought L'Oreal box color from Target - totally out of my norm [I prefer buying my supplies at Sally's Beauty Supply and mixing it all myself].  So what happens when I try this miraculous/easy way of lightening my hair *without* bleach?  FAIL.  The only thing that would take was my roots.  

My 2nd attempt

So I decide to try AGAIN on Sunday morning.  I used the same box color for round two thinking maybe I should leave it in a little longer to process...  What happened?  FAIL. 

Not much of a change, or just my horrible selfie skills

 

So now I've already struck out twice!  I'm at the point that I'm beginning to freak out and I'm beyond frustrated. 



Here goes round 3

*By the way, the reason it's purple is because I mixed an additive so the blonde color wouldn't make my hair look brassy.

So I turn back to Youtube and watch more videos to try to guide me in the process of lightening my hair.  I come across another video of another lady using my *favorite* products to lighten her dark brown hair. 

My 3rd attempt, which I did my roots last

What happened then?  FAIL.  It is now Sunday NIGHT and I have bright roots and dark brown hair. 

Look at this shit!

No, it does not look decent.

No, I cannot cover it up.

No, I will not go to work looking like that.

Why didn't you just go to the salon?  Because it's cheaper to do it myself and I like experimenting with my hair.  I don't know if you go to the salon that often, but that shit can be EXPENSIVE; especially with long hair.

So I will spend today deciding if I want to continue lightening the rest of my hair - with a HIGH risk of A LOT of damage - or attempt to cover up all the light ass roots.

Sometimes it's so hard being a female ;)



xo,
sss