Wednesday, May 28, 2014

16 & Pregnant

No, I'm not talking about the TV Show -- which honestly in my opinion, I thought was horrible. 

I'm talking about me.

Yup, before that show ever aired *I* was actually 16 & pregnant.  I'm pretty sure not the FIRST ever, but when it happened that's how I felt. 

So where to start...

How did I feel?  Embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, lost, terrified, shocked, panicked, a failure, freaked out... I'm sure you could come up with a few emotions on your own.

Some people meet me and are stunned that I have an 8 year old son.  He's been mistaken for my "little brother" or a kid I'm "babysitting".  Then when I would hit them with the BIG reveal that he's actually MY spawn, their reactions differed.  I've had the look of utter shock, jaw dropped, OMG type shit.  I've gotten "the look" of disapproval or "smh" -- not only from my parents, but from complete strangers.  Those looks I didn't seem to mind; they were strangers who knew nothing about me. *Swerve :)

Let me take you back:

I can remember the day like it was yesterday when I came home; I was in Texas visiting my Grandma when I made the discovery.  I was scared shitless to get off the plane.  My Dad was there to pick us up (my sister and I).  We had to pickup pizza at Papa Johns for dinner.  My Dad barely said anything to me.  He just kept staring at my stomach.  When we made it home, the house felt dark to me; almost cold.  I'm pretty sure it had to do with the fact I was scared out of my mind and didn't know what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to act, or most importantly... What was I supposed to say?  Finally in the middle of dinner, my Mom lashed out at me.  I was used to my Mom getting mad or yelling, but this was different.  It was like an angry kind of hurt.  My Dad, like always, was the bigger person.  He wasn't over it nor did he want to accept it, but he still spoke to me.  My Mom refused to talk to me or even look at me.  Even though my Mom and I didn't always agree, it killed me.  My sister was there for me and my other siblings didn't know how to act.  I mean, who really is prepared for this?  In school the news spread insanely quick.  I was an awesome student and was never in trouble.  So who would expect a girl like me was even capable of ruining her life?  That's what I would hear or see on peoples' faces.  Once again, that shit didn't phase me (in high school my mentality was a WHOLE lot different).  So if you didn't like me, no f*cks were given.  The usual high school gossip was going around about my surprising news.  I finished high school.  I wasn't a drop out.  I didn't become another one of those statistics.

My life wasn't over.

You're first thought or at least MY first thought was "OMG my life is over".  Whooo!  I was so wrong.  I thought no one would ever want me again.  I figured I had failed.  I never imagined something this extreme happening to me! Like I said, I was completely wrong.  My son changed my life.  I was so stupid and naïve.  He changed me for the better.  I like to ponder what my life could have been if he didn't come around (I know that sounds horrible so let me finish!).  I'd ask myself would I have turned out worse?  Thankfully, no.  He made me look at the world in a whole new perspective.  He taught me how to be responsible and unselfish.  I learned to not put myself first, but take into consideration that there was 2 of us now.

I don't think of him as a mistake or accident. 

He's my achievement.

Did I miss out on a lot of things?  Kind of.  I didn't go off to college.  I didn't go off to wild parties.  I didn't get my permit when I was 16.  I got it when I turned 17 which made it less of a wait until I turned 18 for my license. 

I owe all of it to my loving & supportive family.  If it wasn't for them, I probably would of dropped out.  They not only babysat him for me, but they taught me what I was supposed to do.  Do I regret him?  Never.  However, I do NOT condone getting pregnant at 16.  If any minors are reading this, please wait.  If you're that impatient, then be smart about it. 

So I survived.  Now I have 2 handsome, precious boys and an uhhmazing husband. 

Life does get better & everything happens for a reason :)

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I needed to be" --Douglas Adams


No comments:

Post a Comment