Wednesday, July 16, 2014

This is Me

Good morning my fabulous readers!

So this past weekend we had a big family trip to good 'ole Myrtle Beach.  I love that place.  I realized that everytime I get a chance to go there - I never get to actually go to the BEACH.  Like wth..?  This time around my whole family went to the Myrtle Waves water park.  It was ok ish, the kids definitely had a blast.

It included:
- shitty/poor service (insert check mark here)
- tons of water slides [the cornsnake was my fave, or the toilet bowl as my brother liked to call it] (insert check mark here)
- yummy food [dippin' dots, Italian ice, pizza, funnel cakes, fried Oreos] (insert check mark here)
- wave pool (insert check mark here)
- misleading hours online & their marquee (insert check mark here)
- cabanas [we rented one for both days & loved it] (insert check mark here)
- lazy river (insert check mark here)
- incorrect/misleading rules/guidelines online (insert check mark here)

It wasn't horrible to the point it ruined my weekend, BUT I don't enjoy standing outside for an HOUR after they said they were supposed to open.  There were storms first thing early that morning, but it had stopped before we left our hotel.  The right thing would of been to announce to the waiting crowd or perhaps put up a sign that they were waiting due to storms in the surrounding area.  We got NADA.  They were letting assholes cut in line.  I don't care if you're pregnant or not, that doesn't entitle you to shit on everyone's patience who have been waiting in line for over an hour. 

Anyways --

It's been almost 6 months since I've had my newbie.  My body is still "not up to par" in my eyes.  My husband always offers his sweet encouraging words of how good I look, but a lot of times I think he says it to try and boost my confidence.  My family and friends do the same.  Yes, I lost most of my baby weight, but my stomach is still kind of blah.  I'm just good at giving the illusion that I'm back to being thin [tee hee]! 

As of 2 weeks ago, I was brave enough to finally go to the beach.  I was terrified!  I used to be such a beach bum.  I would go every weekend; just my little big man and me or with my family.  If I got off work early, I'd head to the beach.  I had gotten stretch marks from my first pregnancy, but over time they faded and with my tan you couldn't really see it.  So wearing a bikini meant nothing to me.  Well somewhere along the way, something made me panic and I stopped going.  It was as if my confidence went on E and my self-esteem was low.  I'm not joking or exaggerating when I say it's been YEARS

As of this past weekend, I was at the water park for 2 days for hours on end.  I'd walk around with my hands/arms crossed awkwardly over my stomach.  When I'd sit down I'd usually put a towel over my lap and curl up to hide my gut.  I was mainly around my family, but even then I didn't want anyone to see me.  Every once in a while when I was wandering around the park I noticed someone take a glance at my stomach.  I'd just keep my chin up & slowly move my arms to block the view. 

So on day 2 of our trip, I walk into our cabana and my son asks me - "mommy why does your stomach look like that??"... OUCH thanks bunghole lol I just smiled and told him it was because of him and his brother.  I know kids don't know any better.  They're so innocent and outspoken and will ask you or tell you in a heartbeat whatever crosses their little minds.

I'm to the point now where I dislike seeing myself naked.  So I'm sure you can assume the same applies when I'm around my hubby.  I am 100% guilty of comparing myself to what society thinks is what we all "should" look like.  I want a thin, flat stomach.  I want thighs that don't rub together when I walk.  I want my stretch marks to disappear.  I want my love handles to make themselves scarce.  I want my arms to be toned.  I want my C-section scars to go away.  I want all my scars to fade or disappear.  I want to be a little fuller in the boob department and maybe just a little more in my booty - just a smidge more.  But...

This is me.

I'm short.  I have freckles on my face and arms that only turn darker when I'm out in the sun.  I have scars from my eczema, boils, and C-sections.  I have love handles.  I don't have a flat stomach when I sit down.  I have thunder thighs.  I have small feet.  I think the space between my boobs and hips are disproportionate [thanks +Patricia Stoltzfus lol].  I have an ass that fits my body type.  I think my belly button has gotten deeper thanks to pregnancy.  I have stretch marks on my love handles from carrying a 8 lb, 9 oz baby boy and a 9 lb, 14 oz baby boy.

I've earned my stripes.

Hopefully someday I will grow to appreciate them.  I know some people would trade stretch marks any day just so they can have and hold that sweet bundle of joy that helped you earn those stripes.  I'm aware that I sound really ungrateful and unworthy, I know.  I know how lucky I am, but I resent what my pregnancies have done to my body.  I don't mean to come off superficial.  I just feel like I'll never get my body back.

Well --

Today marks the day where I start doing something about it and stop complaining.  I can't see any changes until I make changes [look at me being all motivated and positive].  I need to learn to love myself.

Wish me good luck!


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